I thought I'd write tonight about the song that inspired the title of my blog. It is playing at the bottom of my page and has been my ballad that often gets me through the day.
I first heard this song in May, while I was having my breakdown from my medication. I started crying immediately because this song was expressing exactly how I was feeling at that moment. I love the way that it starts out as a sort of prayer to God for healing and rebuilding, as the author feels that his whole life is crashing down around him.
So often during the last two years, I know when I am not trusting God. It feels like the time when I was lost on a hiking trip in Colorado. I too felt like I was climbing aimlessly, not really knowing where I was going, just trying to figure it out on my own. It's during these times that I've tried to make sense of everything on my own. I've let jealousy, anger, disappointment deprive me of my joy, and I've let my own selfish will direct my steps, instead of resting in God's hands.
I have by no means relinquished control. That's part of my problem. I get so worked up when things don't go my way. My sweet husband keeps telling me that although I sometimes feel abandoned, left out, God has yet to show that He's abandoned me. And that though chaos continues, and I feel like I am just getting hit left and right by the waves, God is working.
There have been so many times in the last few months that I've just replayed this song over and over in my car. I sometimes sing it, speak it, scream it. I've used this song many times to give words to what I cannot find words to express.
I don't know what God is up to. That is part of the reason why I began this blog. I have journaled off and on throughout these past two years. I really wanted a place that I, not only could release what builds up in me from day to day, but also have an avenue that others could read and somehow benefit from the work God is continuing in me. I know His story is not done with me. And though I'm not sure what His mighty plan is next for me, when and if I will get to hold my first child in my arms, and I am constantly wondering what He wants me to do when I grow up, I know that He is up to something larger than life in me. Something bigger than me. Something Heavenly.
So please, read the words, listen to the song. I hope that it touches you, and brings you to a closer understanding of what God is actively doing with you.
SOMETHING HEAVENLY
It’s time for healing, time to move on.
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long.
Time to make right what has been wrong.
Its time to find my way to where I belong.
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me and all I can do is surrender.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, somehow there’s peace.
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to Something Heavenly.
Time for a milestone, time to begin again, reevaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will, or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me!
I give everything; I surrender!
To whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace.
And though it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, I’m giving in to Something Heavenly.
Time to face up; clean this old house.
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years.
Time to release all my held back tears.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but I believe, you’re up to something bigger than me, larger than life Something Heavenly.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but now I can see, this is something bigger than me, larger than life, Something Heavenly.
Monday, September 29, 2008
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Who dunnit?!
We're having doggie drama. We inherited Lewis's sister, Gracie, this summer while Brian's mom worked long hours. They are 5 years old and best best friends. So, it's really hard to imagine splitting them up. But, after the last week, we might just give both of them away. We've had mysterious messes left all over the house and no one is owning up to them.
Lewis, the loyal, valedictorian in his class, social disordered dog that he is would hold his bladder til Jesus returned before he would go inside. Or so we thought.
Gracie, is very, um, pretty. She's like the popular girl at school. Loves to go to the party, is the life OF the party, but not a whole lot going on upstairs, if you know what I mean. Gracie will go potty pretty much anywhere. Just because she has to go.
Until this point, we were totally sure that Gracie was the one leaving "presents" for us all over the house. But then the runny #2's started popping up. First in the "man" room, (which will someday soon be converted into the nursery). Then at 4:30in the morning last night, in our bathroom. I let Brian take care of that one since I had to get up at 6:30 this morning. Then the culprit let it go again right AFTER they'd gone in the bathroom and outside between the hours of 4:30 and 6:30 am.
So now we're trying to catch them in the act. I'm thinking security cameras, alarms on the carpet, anything. This is unacceptable and I did not get dogs to live in a poop factory. Here's pictures of the two suspects. See if you can decide who the guilty one is.
Gracie and Lewis, look nothing alike but from the same litter
We didn't do it! It was Daddy!! We promise!
Pssst. Mom. It was Gracie. She's so stupid, I kept telling her to hold it. Please don't be mad at me! I know I'm your favorite! :)
Lewis, the loyal, valedictorian in his class, social disordered dog that he is would hold his bladder til Jesus returned before he would go inside. Or so we thought.
Gracie, is very, um, pretty. She's like the popular girl at school. Loves to go to the party, is the life OF the party, but not a whole lot going on upstairs, if you know what I mean. Gracie will go potty pretty much anywhere. Just because she has to go.
Until this point, we were totally sure that Gracie was the one leaving "presents" for us all over the house. But then the runny #2's started popping up. First in the "man" room, (which will someday soon be converted into the nursery). Then at 4:30in the morning last night, in our bathroom. I let Brian take care of that one since I had to get up at 6:30 this morning. Then the culprit let it go again right AFTER they'd gone in the bathroom and outside between the hours of 4:30 and 6:30 am.
So now we're trying to catch them in the act. I'm thinking security cameras, alarms on the carpet, anything. This is unacceptable and I did not get dogs to live in a poop factory. Here's pictures of the two suspects. See if you can decide who the guilty one is.
Gracie and Lewis, look nothing alike but from the same litter
We didn't do it! It was Daddy!! We promise!
Pssst. Mom. It was Gracie. She's so stupid, I kept telling her to hold it. Please don't be mad at me! I know I'm your favorite! :)
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Today
Today started out a VERY difficult day. I was supposed to go in for my final exam to make sure the miscarriage had completed and my body was getting back to normal. I was already a little down because it was two weeks ago today that I lost my little one. And it was around today that I should have been scheduling my first sonogram to see my baby on the screen. But today, I went to the doctor to make sure my body was back to normal.
Instead, I waited at my doctor's office for an hour and a half. Not only that, but I waited in the waiting room with a bunch of other pregnant women and little babies. I've really felt a lot better about being around babies and pregnant women. I used to not be able to handle it, my jealousy would spin out of control. But now that I know I can get pregnant, and I've actually carried a baby in my tummy, I know what it feels like to be a mommy, even if it was just for a couple of short weeks. All that being said, I can handle 1-5, maybe even 5-10 pregnant women/teenie babies around me. Today was overload. For an hour and a half I sat in a super-crowded, standing-room only waiting room with mommies and babies. Meanwhile I was waiting for this doctor to mash on my tummy to make sure all my parts were back to normal after losing my baby.
After waiting the hour and a half, I finally got called back to the room. I changed clothes, had my blood pressure taken and was told to wait a few minutes. Once the doctor came in, the exam would be over shortly. I waited five minutes and the nurse came back in. She said my doctor got called to the hospital with two other patients and I would have to reschedule. But she would book the next appointment as an OB appointment, for pregnant women. In that case, I wouldn't have to wait as long, I would be in and out in no time. What?! You have that kind of appointment available? Why on earth would you make me sit here for an hour and a half, surrounded by cooing little babies, for an exam that would take less than five minutes, when you could have arranged this for me all along?
I stormed out of the office and was crying before I even hit pavement outside. The unfairness of it all shook me. I shouldn't be rescheduling my miscarriage pelvic exam for next Monday. I should be looking at my sweet baby on the screen with my husband next to me. I shouldn't be looking longingly at the strollers, carriers, bottles, socks on the floor, cries, smiles and coos of the babies in the waiting room. I should be rubbing my tummy and thinking fondly of the few short months I lack til that baby is in my arms.
Today just didn't seem fair.
Instead, I waited at my doctor's office for an hour and a half. Not only that, but I waited in the waiting room with a bunch of other pregnant women and little babies. I've really felt a lot better about being around babies and pregnant women. I used to not be able to handle it, my jealousy would spin out of control. But now that I know I can get pregnant, and I've actually carried a baby in my tummy, I know what it feels like to be a mommy, even if it was just for a couple of short weeks. All that being said, I can handle 1-5, maybe even 5-10 pregnant women/teenie babies around me. Today was overload. For an hour and a half I sat in a super-crowded, standing-room only waiting room with mommies and babies. Meanwhile I was waiting for this doctor to mash on my tummy to make sure all my parts were back to normal after losing my baby.
After waiting the hour and a half, I finally got called back to the room. I changed clothes, had my blood pressure taken and was told to wait a few minutes. Once the doctor came in, the exam would be over shortly. I waited five minutes and the nurse came back in. She said my doctor got called to the hospital with two other patients and I would have to reschedule. But she would book the next appointment as an OB appointment, for pregnant women. In that case, I wouldn't have to wait as long, I would be in and out in no time. What?! You have that kind of appointment available? Why on earth would you make me sit here for an hour and a half, surrounded by cooing little babies, for an exam that would take less than five minutes, when you could have arranged this for me all along?
I stormed out of the office and was crying before I even hit pavement outside. The unfairness of it all shook me. I shouldn't be rescheduling my miscarriage pelvic exam for next Monday. I should be looking at my sweet baby on the screen with my husband next to me. I shouldn't be looking longingly at the strollers, carriers, bottles, socks on the floor, cries, smiles and coos of the babies in the waiting room. I should be rubbing my tummy and thinking fondly of the few short months I lack til that baby is in my arms.
Today just didn't seem fair.
Monday, September 22, 2008
My parents!
I received 2 things in the mail today that convinced me who to dedicate my next post to: my parents, Bill and Joyce Allen. My dad is a preacher in North Carolina and today I received his bulletin article from the church bulletin. He had told me he was going to write about me and the miscarriage, but when I read it, I cried today. It was simple and sweet and thoughtful. It told his church family how much he loved his daughter and how deeply sad he feels at the loss of his first grandbaby. Then I looked a little further through the mail and had already received a card from one of the members at their church. I felt so much joy at the thought of being prayed for, not just by people who know and love me, but by people who don't even really know who I am, but love my parents so much that they had to reach out to me.
This weekend my parents were asked to speak at a conference in Raleigh, North Carolina, about raising Godly children. My sister and I, even though we've had our moments, we are still Godly women who strive every day to be closer to our Creator. We both married Christian men who try to lead us to Heaven and have been extremely involved with our church family. This is a testimony to the incredible parents were blessed with. Neither one of my parents grew up going to church on a regular basis. Neither had the every-waking-moment-at-church upbringing that I was blessed to have. But my dad always said that even if he couldn't be the child in the multi-generational faith family picture, he could be the grandpa in the middle, surrounded by all of his Christian children and grandchildren.
While others might disagree, I loved being a Preacher's kid. I loved growing up hearing my Daddy's voice over the speakers in a big auditorium. I loved being taught by my mother and all of her friends. My parents never once forced me to believe in God, but constantly lived examples of faith around me every day. Even though they weren't perfect, they allowed me to not be perfect either. When mistakes were made, (and I was the worst one out of the 2 of us...), I was never unloved or unforgiven. I was always taught that nothing could separate me from God's love and the same thing goes for my parents as well. I always felt loved, funny, beautiful, smart and capable. My parents still tell me I can do anything I want to do and encourage me in any endeavor I contemplate attempting.
One of the most difficult times in my life was when my parents moved to North Carolina. I always thought that I would live all over the place, but my parents would always be home. And it has been a struggle living life without them 10 minutes away. But they have done their very best to call, visit, and provide constant support for Brian and me, and Manda and Paul since they moved almost 3 years ago.
Getting to tell them face to face that I was pregnant was a moment that will forever be etched into my memory. Feeling their joy and amazement at what was about to happen brought me so much happiness. And as our trip to Disney drew to a close and we started to worry about the baby, saying good-bye was one of the hardest things to do. Talking to them through that following week brought me so much comfort. And hearing the pain and sorrow in their voice as they tried to comfort me through the loss again soothed my pain. I know they hurt when I hurt and they feel joy when I feel joy. Their love is not unlike the love my Heavenly Father has for me. They have been constant examples of that love my entire life and I am a better person for being their daughter. My only prayer is that I can be that kind of example to my children, as they have done for me. I love my parents so much and I feel so blessed to be their "baby girl".
Mom and me on the Teacups!
Dad and Brian outside of the Aerosmith Rockin Roller Coaster ride
The four of us at Downtown Disney
The six of us on the Riverwalk in San Antonio at Christmas last year
This weekend my parents were asked to speak at a conference in Raleigh, North Carolina, about raising Godly children. My sister and I, even though we've had our moments, we are still Godly women who strive every day to be closer to our Creator. We both married Christian men who try to lead us to Heaven and have been extremely involved with our church family. This is a testimony to the incredible parents were blessed with. Neither one of my parents grew up going to church on a regular basis. Neither had the every-waking-moment-at-church upbringing that I was blessed to have. But my dad always said that even if he couldn't be the child in the multi-generational faith family picture, he could be the grandpa in the middle, surrounded by all of his Christian children and grandchildren.
While others might disagree, I loved being a Preacher's kid. I loved growing up hearing my Daddy's voice over the speakers in a big auditorium. I loved being taught by my mother and all of her friends. My parents never once forced me to believe in God, but constantly lived examples of faith around me every day. Even though they weren't perfect, they allowed me to not be perfect either. When mistakes were made, (and I was the worst one out of the 2 of us...), I was never unloved or unforgiven. I was always taught that nothing could separate me from God's love and the same thing goes for my parents as well. I always felt loved, funny, beautiful, smart and capable. My parents still tell me I can do anything I want to do and encourage me in any endeavor I contemplate attempting.
One of the most difficult times in my life was when my parents moved to North Carolina. I always thought that I would live all over the place, but my parents would always be home. And it has been a struggle living life without them 10 minutes away. But they have done their very best to call, visit, and provide constant support for Brian and me, and Manda and Paul since they moved almost 3 years ago.
Getting to tell them face to face that I was pregnant was a moment that will forever be etched into my memory. Feeling their joy and amazement at what was about to happen brought me so much happiness. And as our trip to Disney drew to a close and we started to worry about the baby, saying good-bye was one of the hardest things to do. Talking to them through that following week brought me so much comfort. And hearing the pain and sorrow in their voice as they tried to comfort me through the loss again soothed my pain. I know they hurt when I hurt and they feel joy when I feel joy. Their love is not unlike the love my Heavenly Father has for me. They have been constant examples of that love my entire life and I am a better person for being their daughter. My only prayer is that I can be that kind of example to my children, as they have done for me. I love my parents so much and I feel so blessed to be their "baby girl".
Mom and me on the Teacups!
Dad and Brian outside of the Aerosmith Rockin Roller Coaster ride
The four of us at Downtown Disney
The six of us on the Riverwalk in San Antonio at Christmas last year
Sunday, September 21, 2008
For when I am weak, then I am strong.
This morning at church, the sermon was centered on grace and whether or not we can earn it. He discussed the enemies of grace and how they can torment us away from thinking we are saved. One of those was the spiritual desert. Those times in our life when we are in an obsolete, empty universe where it feels like no one hears our cries, sorrows, or joys. One of the scriptures that the preacher brought up was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, describing one of Paul's spiritual deserts. It is one of my most favorite verses, but tonight I decided to read the context surrounding that verse, and it brought some new perspective to my life.
Paul in 2 Corinthians was talking about hardships and how we should not boast in anything, but present our requests humbly before the Lord. He talks in this chapter of the thorn in his flesh that he begged God three times to take away. Now, my smart Bible (NIV, Life Application Bible) talks about how we do not know what thorn Paul is describing though scholars believe it to be some sort of physical ailment that Paul asked to be healed of.
Three times Paul pleaded with God to be healed of this physical ailment. Not unlike the many times I have begged God to heal me of my inability to conceive. Not unlike the days I spent crying out to God to continue the miracle He placed in me with my baby. But like all of those times, God did not heal Paul of that ailment. But simply repsonded with this:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Paul goes on to say:
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my WEAKNESSES, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG."
God does not refrain from healing because He cannot. His works are far greater, than my narrow perspective. Paul, through this thorn in the flesh, was able to "receive greater grace from God, a stronger character, humility, and an ability to empathize with others." Although I am definitley not putting myself in the category of the great Apostle Paul, I empathize with his thorn. And I'm beginning to find it easier to delight myself in this weakness. His grace is sufficient for me. So many times has He answered my prayers, from the mundane to the serious. And though He has not brought healing just yet, His power has been made perfect in me. For I know the weaker I am, the stronger God can be for me. What a blessing to bathe in my Father's lavish grace every morning. And sleep in His strong, capable arms every night. And to be carried in His powerful, nail-pierced hands during the day, even when I cry, even when I struggle, even when I hurt, both physically and emotionally. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!!
And as a side note, the Cowboys are winning, it is FALL (had to seasonally decorate my blog, it's the cool thing to do), and the holidays are just around the corner!! It's not too early to sing, "It's the most wonderful time, of the year..."
Paul in 2 Corinthians was talking about hardships and how we should not boast in anything, but present our requests humbly before the Lord. He talks in this chapter of the thorn in his flesh that he begged God three times to take away. Now, my smart Bible (NIV, Life Application Bible) talks about how we do not know what thorn Paul is describing though scholars believe it to be some sort of physical ailment that Paul asked to be healed of.
Three times Paul pleaded with God to be healed of this physical ailment. Not unlike the many times I have begged God to heal me of my inability to conceive. Not unlike the days I spent crying out to God to continue the miracle He placed in me with my baby. But like all of those times, God did not heal Paul of that ailment. But simply repsonded with this:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Paul goes on to say:
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my WEAKNESSES, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG."
God does not refrain from healing because He cannot. His works are far greater, than my narrow perspective. Paul, through this thorn in the flesh, was able to "receive greater grace from God, a stronger character, humility, and an ability to empathize with others." Although I am definitley not putting myself in the category of the great Apostle Paul, I empathize with his thorn. And I'm beginning to find it easier to delight myself in this weakness. His grace is sufficient for me. So many times has He answered my prayers, from the mundane to the serious. And though He has not brought healing just yet, His power has been made perfect in me. For I know the weaker I am, the stronger God can be for me. What a blessing to bathe in my Father's lavish grace every morning. And sleep in His strong, capable arms every night. And to be carried in His powerful, nail-pierced hands during the day, even when I cry, even when I struggle, even when I hurt, both physically and emotionally. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!!
And as a side note, the Cowboys are winning, it is FALL (had to seasonally decorate my blog, it's the cool thing to do), and the holidays are just around the corner!! It's not too early to sing, "It's the most wonderful time, of the year..."
Friday, September 19, 2008
Just call me Martha Stewart...
Well, today I finally put up the curtains I made with Rachel's mom while Rachel was on bedrest with invitro! And, I'm super excited!! I think they look so awesome! Kaye, Brian's mom, gave me her old sewing machine. And while it is used, it's a really good one. But aside from a few baby quilts I've made, I haven't really used it in the last five years. I get really nervous to do it myself, (Brian's mom is a master quilter) so I just avoid it til I have to do something. And everytime I pick it up to use it again, I have to reread the instructions on how to thread a bobbin, turn it on, etc. Silly huh? I really love to sew, I always have. Now that we're finally in our dream house and I have a little more free time on my hands I think I really want to get started again. There's several babies being born soon that I need to do baby quilts on, so that's my first step. After I finish all my curtains of course! Brenda helped me set up the curtains for the kitchen and I just need to sew them up. Then I am going to make some for the dining room and our bedroom. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the view of my backyard through my beautiful curtains! Thanks Mrs. Brenda Cass!!!
Thursday, September 18, 2008
Why do bad things happen to good people?
It is always a really good day when I get home from work in time to watch the 5 o'clock episode of Friends on TBS. Today the episode was when they were in Barbados for Ross's convention that he was the keynote speaker for. You may remember, (or you may not care at all), that during these episodes, Joey and Charlie broke up, and as a result, Charlie hooked up with Ross and Joey hooked up with Rachel. When they got home from the trip, Rachel wanted to talk to Ross about hooking up with Joey. But Ross, opening his bag to take out a toy for Emma, realized that the 200 shampoo bottles that he took from the hotel, exploded over everything in his bag on the plane ride home. He started freaking out about this unfortunate incident. He was so obsessed with the ruined contents of his bag that he couldn't hear what Rachel was trying to talk to him about. He shouted out loud, "Why do bad things happen to good people?". At first, I was laughing at the sillyness of it all. Oh Ross, you are sooo overdramatic and you overemphasize every thing, big or small to be a huge ordeal. Really? You're going to be upset over shampoo bottles exploding over the bag when so much bad stuff is happening in this world? When hurricanes are destroying cities, stock markets are crashing, people are starving and I just miscarried the baby I've longed for for 2 years?
Then...ouch. I understand losing my baby that I've tried for 2 years to conceive is a sad, painful ordeal. But really, Amy? What makes your pain so much more significant than someone else's? How can I sit so pathetically by and assume that people should be trying to understand me, when I haven't been willing to look past my own pain to see that others are struggling in their own pain all around me? What makes me feel like I'm the only good person that is experiencing pain, hardships, hurt? Yes, infertility is an extremely difficult pain to experience, especially when you feel like everyone else is doing their part to keep the world populated while you just sit idly by. But others have lost children, lost jobs, houses, have been diagnosed with impossible diseases, have to care for parents, grandparents, siblings. Bad things happen to good people and I'm not the only good person bad things happen to.
Father help me. I can get so self-absorbed. So self-consumed with my own problems, with my own pain, with my own successes, that rarely do I take a minute to consider what's going on with others. I want so much to be Your child. To be someone that others look at and can see Your face. Help me to look beyond myself and see Your creation, Your children, YOU.
Then...ouch. I understand losing my baby that I've tried for 2 years to conceive is a sad, painful ordeal. But really, Amy? What makes your pain so much more significant than someone else's? How can I sit so pathetically by and assume that people should be trying to understand me, when I haven't been willing to look past my own pain to see that others are struggling in their own pain all around me? What makes me feel like I'm the only good person that is experiencing pain, hardships, hurt? Yes, infertility is an extremely difficult pain to experience, especially when you feel like everyone else is doing their part to keep the world populated while you just sit idly by. But others have lost children, lost jobs, houses, have been diagnosed with impossible diseases, have to care for parents, grandparents, siblings. Bad things happen to good people and I'm not the only good person bad things happen to.
Father help me. I can get so self-absorbed. So self-consumed with my own problems, with my own pain, with my own successes, that rarely do I take a minute to consider what's going on with others. I want so much to be Your child. To be someone that others look at and can see Your face. Help me to look beyond myself and see Your creation, Your children, YOU.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Great is Thy Faithfulness
Yesterday I woke up needing to go to church. I didn't want to go to Granbury CoC, since we are one of two couples out of 30 that are not currently pregnant or have 1+ children. It's been a struggle to go there since we've moved, but I've tried to be positive. But I knew I couldn't face another Sunday of people asking me if I had any kids, then categorizing me based upon my inability to have them regardless of my desire.
So, yesterday I woke up needing to go to church. I had been a hermit all weekend and it had been wonderful. It was hard to talk about the baby on the phone, I inevitably always started crying. But Sunday was different. I needed to be hugged. I needed to talk about my baby and my grief. I needed to physically feel support. So I nudged Brian and told him I wanted to go to Woodland West. And we then got ready in 20 minutes, drove the hour and made it to WW by the time the singing started.
Although there were a couple of hard times, I am so glad we went. I cried through most of the first few songs. But we were held, we were prayed for, we were blessed. I love my church family so much, it hurts going through this without their support every Sunday and Wednesday night. But I am so grateful we were able to be there today. Tom Norwood is quite possibly the greatest song leader I have ever heard and man was he killing me with the song service. It was a good feeling because even though I love to sing, I physically couldn't because of how much I was crying. So I listened and read the words and worshipped. Two of the songs really spoke to me, they were gifts from my Father to let me know He was thinking of me at that moment.
Here are the words of comfort God rained on me yesterday:
Great is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
He is Able
He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way.
He is able, more than able, to do much more than I could ever dream.
He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be.
And I just wanted to sincerely, gratefully thank you for all of your comments, emails, calls, cards, prayers of support and love. You have helped get me through one of the darkest days and I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me up and carrying me through.
So, yesterday I woke up needing to go to church. I had been a hermit all weekend and it had been wonderful. It was hard to talk about the baby on the phone, I inevitably always started crying. But Sunday was different. I needed to be hugged. I needed to talk about my baby and my grief. I needed to physically feel support. So I nudged Brian and told him I wanted to go to Woodland West. And we then got ready in 20 minutes, drove the hour and made it to WW by the time the singing started.
Although there were a couple of hard times, I am so glad we went. I cried through most of the first few songs. But we were held, we were prayed for, we were blessed. I love my church family so much, it hurts going through this without their support every Sunday and Wednesday night. But I am so grateful we were able to be there today. Tom Norwood is quite possibly the greatest song leader I have ever heard and man was he killing me with the song service. It was a good feeling because even though I love to sing, I physically couldn't because of how much I was crying. So I listened and read the words and worshipped. Two of the songs really spoke to me, they were gifts from my Father to let me know He was thinking of me at that moment.
Here are the words of comfort God rained on me yesterday:
Great is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!
He is Able
He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way.
He is able, more than able, to do much more than I could ever dream.
He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be.
And I just wanted to sincerely, gratefully thank you for all of your comments, emails, calls, cards, prayers of support and love. You have helped get me through one of the darkest days and I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me up and carrying me through.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
Our baby's resting with Jesus
This afternoon I lost our baby. God blessed me so much. I started cramping and bleeding at work. I made the hour long drive home, knowing what my afternoon was going to hold. By the time I got home the pain was unbearable, but in less than 30 minutes, before Brian could even get home, it was all over. God answered my prayer that if it needed to happen, it would be fast and our little one would join his true Father quickly.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Yesterday afternoon I found out my levels had increased, but my progesterone was very low. By last night my spotting had increased, and I really started coming to terms that this pregnancy was not long for this world. Brian and I are doing okay. We're clinging to each other. He is such a sweet Daddy.
I know now that this little miracle showed me I could get pregnant, since we did it without any medication. And hopefully someday soon, we will be able to provide our sweet one with a little brother or sister.
Thank you Jesus, for giving me the most amazing two weeks, to be a Mommy, to have the gift of life in me, to experience a slice of the love that You have for me.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Yesterday afternoon I found out my levels had increased, but my progesterone was very low. By last night my spotting had increased, and I really started coming to terms that this pregnancy was not long for this world. Brian and I are doing okay. We're clinging to each other. He is such a sweet Daddy.
I know now that this little miracle showed me I could get pregnant, since we did it without any medication. And hopefully someday soon, we will be able to provide our sweet one with a little brother or sister.
Thank you Jesus, for giving me the most amazing two weeks, to be a Mommy, to have the gift of life in me, to experience a slice of the love that You have for me.
Monday, September 8, 2008
Dear Baby,
What an amazing 11 days it's been since I found out that you are in my tummy! We were able to tell Daddy's family. They were so excited, your Great-Grandad gave you your first present. He gave us the spoon Daddy's Grandma used to feed her kids and your daddy. What a special treat! And Daddy's Aunt Kim sent us a wonderful present in the mail with some special presents for you.
Then we got to go to Disney World with Mommy's parents. They were so excited to hear the news about you! Daddy played a trick on them when we told them about you, and Mommy's mommy fell off her chair!! We had so much fun at Disney World. You didn't get to ride too many rides because you are so tiny, but you got to see some really great stuff and have your picture taken with Mommy and Daddy and Mickey Mouse! We got you a baby Pluto wrapped in a blanket and Mommy's parents got you a snuggly Tigger to remember your first trip to Disney!
All of our family and friends are so happy to hear that you are coming. You know, Mommy and Daddy have been waiting for you for a long time. But now we are worried that you might not be able to stay with us. Just know that I have enjoyed every second I've gotten to be your mommy. Every night before I go to sleep, I rub my belly, even though you are so tiny and can't feel it, and pray that God keep you safe and strong.
Daddy knew how upset I was that we might lose you. He took us outside and showed us the stars. He told us that God put those stars up there for us and that He loves us so much. I cried, thanking God that he gave me such a wonderful husband in your Daddy. Daddy thinks you are so strong and believes that you are going to be just fine! He even bought you your first movie, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Even though you couldn't hear it, we watched it together on the couch last night.
I know you are doing your best to grow and be strong. But I also know that you may hear Jesus's voice telling you to go home with Him. If you do decide you're not ready to come live with us, I don't blame you. If I heard Jesus calling me to go with Him, I don't think I would want to stay. I know you will be in very good hands with Jesus and you will be waiting for your Daddy and me someday.
But if you decide to stay, I want you to snuggle down deep, find the coziest place you can find. Mommy's working really hard to give you everything you need right now, just like I will be doing when you are out of my tummy and resting sweetly in my arms. Remember, Daddy and I love you so much and we can't wait to see you!
Love, Mommy
Then we got to go to Disney World with Mommy's parents. They were so excited to hear the news about you! Daddy played a trick on them when we told them about you, and Mommy's mommy fell off her chair!! We had so much fun at Disney World. You didn't get to ride too many rides because you are so tiny, but you got to see some really great stuff and have your picture taken with Mommy and Daddy and Mickey Mouse! We got you a baby Pluto wrapped in a blanket and Mommy's parents got you a snuggly Tigger to remember your first trip to Disney!
All of our family and friends are so happy to hear that you are coming. You know, Mommy and Daddy have been waiting for you for a long time. But now we are worried that you might not be able to stay with us. Just know that I have enjoyed every second I've gotten to be your mommy. Every night before I go to sleep, I rub my belly, even though you are so tiny and can't feel it, and pray that God keep you safe and strong.
Daddy knew how upset I was that we might lose you. He took us outside and showed us the stars. He told us that God put those stars up there for us and that He loves us so much. I cried, thanking God that he gave me such a wonderful husband in your Daddy. Daddy thinks you are so strong and believes that you are going to be just fine! He even bought you your first movie, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Even though you couldn't hear it, we watched it together on the couch last night.
I know you are doing your best to grow and be strong. But I also know that you may hear Jesus's voice telling you to go home with Him. If you do decide you're not ready to come live with us, I don't blame you. If I heard Jesus calling me to go with Him, I don't think I would want to stay. I know you will be in very good hands with Jesus and you will be waiting for your Daddy and me someday.
But if you decide to stay, I want you to snuggle down deep, find the coziest place you can find. Mommy's working really hard to give you everything you need right now, just like I will be doing when you are out of my tummy and resting sweetly in my arms. Remember, Daddy and I love you so much and we can't wait to see you!
Love, Mommy
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Dear Heavenly Uterus...
I just wanted to take a few minutes and thank everyone for their love and support the last few days. Brian told me to finish The Shack on Friday, since I was staying home with my feet up all day, waiting for the call. For those of you who haven't read it, READ IT! It is a life changing, relationship changing book, that will make you look at our Lord in a totally different way. And if there's anything that you are going through right now that you are seeking the will of God, or wondering why this is happening to you, it may not clear it all up for you, but it will defintely bring you comfort.
So, I finished The Shack moments before getting the call about my hcg levels, and have spent the rest of the weekend trying to live in the present, trying to find peace in this whirlwind. All of you have left such encouraging emails and comments. I appreciate you all so much. Knowing that I'm not alone during this time means everything and gives me hope that this will turn out well. God has really blessed us with awesome family and friends that have showered us with prayer throughout this whole ordeal.
Even after they had scheduled a trip to the ranch this weekend, after hearing the news and how I was doing with it, Joe and Rachel decided to spend the weekend with us. They came over Friday night and we went out to eat. As Joe was praying, he almost prayed to the Heavenly Uterus. We all snickered and started cracking up laughing as Joe tried to finish the prayer and the waiter stood by waiting to give us the rest of our order. We spent the rest of the night laughing and having fun. Then this weekend, we just laid around, watching season 2 of Arrested Development and eating the food they bought for Bonham. They went to church with us this morning, and I was grateful Rach was holding my hand as we sat through a baby dedication ceremony during service. I know Brian and I would have been okay this weekend, and probably wouldn't have done much differently, but just having you guys here made me feel so much better, and gave me a reason to laugh. We love you guys. Here's a pic of us when we went to Bonham in May to escape Mother's Day.
I go in for the blood test tomorrow morning and will know something Tuesday afternoon. Pray hard for us that my levels are increasing, even just a little bit will give us hope that our baby is growing.
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