Today

Today started out a VERY difficult day. I was supposed to go in for my final exam to make sure the miscarriage had completed and my body was getting back to normal. I was already a little down because it was two weeks ago today that I lost my little one. And it was around today that I should have been scheduling my first sonogram to see my baby on the screen. But today, I went to the doctor to make sure my body was back to normal.
Instead, I waited at my doctor's office for an hour and a half. Not only that, but I waited in the waiting room with a bunch of other pregnant women and little babies. I've really felt a lot better about being around babies and pregnant women. I used to not be able to handle it, my jealousy would spin out of control. But now that I know I can get pregnant, and I've actually carried a baby in my tummy, I know what it feels like to be a mommy, even if it was just for a couple of short weeks. All that being said, I can handle 1-5, maybe even 5-10 pregnant women/teenie babies around me. Today was overload. For an hour and a half I sat in a super-crowded, standing-room only waiting room with mommies and babies. Meanwhile I was waiting for this doctor to mash on my tummy to make sure all my parts were back to normal after losing my baby.
After waiting the hour and a half, I finally got called back to the room. I changed clothes, had my blood pressure taken and was told to wait a few minutes. Once the doctor came in, the exam would be over shortly. I waited five minutes and the nurse came back in. She said my doctor got called to the hospital with two other patients and I would have to reschedule. But she would book the next appointment as an OB appointment, for pregnant women. In that case, I wouldn't have to wait as long, I would be in and out in no time. What?! You have that kind of appointment available? Why on earth would you make me sit here for an hour and a half, surrounded by cooing little babies, for an exam that would take less than five minutes, when you could have arranged this for me all along?
I stormed out of the office and was crying before I even hit pavement outside. The unfairness of it all shook me. I shouldn't be rescheduling my miscarriage pelvic exam for next Monday. I should be looking at my sweet baby on the screen with my husband next to me. I shouldn't be looking longingly at the strollers, carriers, bottles, socks on the floor, cries, smiles and coos of the babies in the waiting room. I should be rubbing my tummy and thinking fondly of the few short months I lack til that baby is in my arms.
Today just didn't seem fair.