Thursday, April 15, 2010

What words can't express...

How many times I've sat at the computer, staring at this screen, searching for words to describe the last few months. And everytime I come up short. Speechless. Awestruck. Humbled. Amazed.

Last I wrote we were beginning the adoption process of a sibling group in the CPS system. January was full of training classes and preparing our home for our children.

February arrived and we found ourselves wrapping up training classes and rapidly filling out paperwork that we knew were the last steps to our babies. We spent weekends then cleaning out rooms, getting our house to code, knowing we were so close.

On February 9th I was one week late and feeling horrible. I've had problems before and decided to take a pregnancy test so I could prove it was negative in order to go to the doctor and get treatment. I went home at lunch and took it, Brian was out of town at a training. Before I could hardly set it down, two pink lines appeared. I fell to the floor and called my husband. He ran out of the training and we immediately began crying and freaking out at this possibility. I called my doctor and she got me in that day for a blood test to confirm. My last pregnancy ended too soon with low hormone levels for the baby and for me, so I wanted to get results as soon as possible. I walked around as a zombie for two days until the tests came back with sky high hormone levels for the baby and for me. Brian got home and we celebrated cautiously-happy, yet waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us.

February 26th Brian and I could hardly get out of bed. It was the day of our first sonogram and we had heard countless stories of empty sacs, no heartbeats, and we were paralyzed with fear. We started the day in prayer, begging God to follow through with this miracle blessing. As I was dressing to go, my sister, Amanda, called and said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now ecstatic and panicked more than ever, I drove to the doctor.

I've had countless sonograms through these last 3 years of infertility and I remember every single time praying they would find a little beating heart instead of ovaries trying to produce something that may or may not be there. Brian stood by my head and we saw 2 little blobs on the screen with one of them flashing in the middle. Trembling, I asked the technician if everything was alright and if that was the heart. She said everything looked perfect and then flipped the switch. Hearing the most glorious sound I've ever heard, Brian and I fell apart, bursting into a thousand tears. My baby's precious little heart was trucking and I finally felt the relief of 3 years lifted off of my shoulders.

I am trying feebly with tears in my eyes to describe the last few months in way that does the miracle we have been privileged to be apart of justice. As of now I am 14 weeks, 3 days and am out of the woods of that frightening first trimester, seeing my belly grow, looking into preschools for my little darling and anticipating 3 weeks from now when we find out whether to shop for pink or blue. I have struggled these last few months being on one hand awestruck and ecstatic and on the other panicked and just waiting for that rug to be pulled out from under me.

What I can't wrap my mind around is why God chose us to play out this miracle. I think back to September, when I found out I had barely any eggs and presented an only 2-3% of EVER getting pregnant. I cry when I think of driving home that day with my stomach at my feet not being able to see the road ahead of me due to the tears. This child is here because GOD wanted this child here. I will forever be in awe of this little one and of THE ONE who picked me to be her mommy. Words can't express the sheer and boundless joy, humility, love, absolute euphoria we feel at the next few months and the years to come. I still have hardly any words to say because often my mouth just hangs open and I marvel at who is growing inside of me right now. But, getting this out is a start, a good beginning to accepting my new reality, my new life, my deep breath my sweet Father gave to me.

10 comments:

kelli pease said...

Amy....your story is so touching! I am so unbelievably happy for you and Brian. You are going to be a fantastic mother!!! Can't wait to see your little pumpkin just a few short months from now.

A Blessed Wife and Mom said...

I am so, so excited for you and Brian! I have prayed and prayed for God to bless you with a precious little soul and am so excited that He is blessing you with your very own little "Bramy". :) I look forward to celebrating with you guys as you prepare to welcome your little one- showers, nursery decorating... woo-hoo! I love you guys!

Dee said...

We're sooo thankful. Love to you both! :) Deanna

GlitteryKitchenTable said...

You are going to be one amazing mother!! I'm so happy for you guys. God truely is amazing!!

Kara Scharrer said...

Wow, Amy. I just now went back and read through older posts before reading your newest post on your blog (which I found through Facebook). Thanks for sharing this journey publicly. You are not only carrying a miracle, you are an inspiration to many. Prayers for a healthy rest of the pregnancy.... :)

Mindy said...

This brings tears of joys to my eyes. God is SO good!!! And I would just like to point out that you referred to the baby as "her"...

I love you and this baby so much and I'm so excited I get to go through this with you!

Kiera said...

We are so excited for you!! I love seeing your mom and dad's face light up any time they talk about yall. You are so blessed and we are all praying for you! Can't wait to confirm, girl or boy!!! Keep us posted on how everything is going!!

Katherine said...

I am just now catching up on this...what an incredible testimony you have, girl!! As I was reading, I was thinking about how if you had just had a baby right off...this might not be near as special. I can only imagine how hard a road this has been...but it blows me away to think about how amazing of a testimony you now have to share and what a blessing God has given you and Brian!!

I cannot wait to see what else He will do as you walk along this journey. Blessings on all 3 of you :)

wangjingping said...

Amy....your story is so touching!

Ryan's Mommy and Daddy said...

Amy,
I was reminiscing through old blog posts of mine and found a comment that you left over a year ago. I clicked on your name and got to read your WONDERFUL news! What a great story God has given you!! I know it's been a tough journey (Our Ryan is 2 1/2 now. We are looking at doing another invitro round at the beginning of the year.), but God wrote this story just for you. May God bless you! Can't wait to see pics of the little one!