How many times I've sat at the computer, staring at this screen, searching for words to describe the last few months. And everytime I come up short. Speechless. Awestruck. Humbled. Amazed.
Last I wrote we were beginning the adoption process of a sibling group in the CPS system. January was full of training classes and preparing our home for our children.
February arrived and we found ourselves wrapping up training classes and rapidly filling out paperwork that we knew were the last steps to our babies. We spent weekends then cleaning out rooms, getting our house to code, knowing we were so close.
On February 9th I was one week late and feeling horrible. I've had problems before and decided to take a pregnancy test so I could prove it was negative in order to go to the doctor and get treatment. I went home at lunch and took it, Brian was out of town at a training. Before I could hardly set it down, two pink lines appeared. I fell to the floor and called my husband. He ran out of the training and we immediately began crying and freaking out at this possibility. I called my doctor and she got me in that day for a blood test to confirm. My last pregnancy ended too soon with low hormone levels for the baby and for me, so I wanted to get results as soon as possible. I walked around as a zombie for two days until the tests came back with sky high hormone levels for the baby and for me. Brian got home and we celebrated cautiously-happy, yet waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us.
February 26th Brian and I could hardly get out of bed. It was the day of our first sonogram and we had heard countless stories of empty sacs, no heartbeats, and we were paralyzed with fear. We started the day in prayer, begging God to follow through with this miracle blessing. As I was dressing to go, my sister, Amanda, called and said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now ecstatic and panicked more than ever, I drove to the doctor.
I've had countless sonograms through these last 3 years of infertility and I remember every single time praying they would find a little beating heart instead of ovaries trying to produce something that may or may not be there. Brian stood by my head and we saw 2 little blobs on the screen with one of them flashing in the middle. Trembling, I asked the technician if everything was alright and if that was the heart. She said everything looked perfect and then flipped the switch. Hearing the most glorious sound I've ever heard, Brian and I fell apart, bursting into a thousand tears. My baby's precious little heart was trucking and I finally felt the relief of 3 years lifted off of my shoulders.
I am trying feebly with tears in my eyes to describe the last few months in way that does the miracle we have been privileged to be apart of justice. As of now I am 14 weeks, 3 days and am out of the woods of that frightening first trimester, seeing my belly grow, looking into preschools for my little darling and anticipating 3 weeks from now when we find out whether to shop for pink or blue. I have struggled these last few months being on one hand awestruck and ecstatic and on the other panicked and just waiting for that rug to be pulled out from under me.
What I can't wrap my mind around is why God chose us to play out this miracle. I think back to September, when I found out I had barely any eggs and presented an only 2-3% of EVER getting pregnant. I cry when I think of driving home that day with my stomach at my feet not being able to see the road ahead of me due to the tears. This child is here because GOD wanted this child here. I will forever be in awe of this little one and of THE ONE who picked me to be her mommy. Words can't express the sheer and boundless joy, humility, love, absolute euphoria we feel at the next few months and the years to come. I still have hardly any words to say because often my mouth just hangs open and I marvel at who is growing inside of me right now. But, getting this out is a start, a good beginning to accepting my new reality, my new life, my deep breath my sweet Father gave to me.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What we heard...
After a lot of praying, talking, researching and praying some more, we've decided to begin the adoption process!
These last three years has definitely been a journey. And after hearing from the specialist that you may not ever be able to conceive your own child, even with the INVITRO process, we had some serious soul searching to do. And I have avoided doing it on here because there was a lot of really personal stuff to work through. But now we've reached a decision and feel really good about it, and comfortable in the direction that God seems to be leading us in. Here's a synopsis of how God led us to this decision:
When I was sixteen I began going to Opportunity Camp, I actually wrote a post about OPP Camp in one of my first blogs, 6/2008. I have no idea how to link things on here, so you're gonna have to look for it if you want to know more. Short story, it's a camp for underprivileged children, most in the CPS system in California. Working with these kids, most foster kids, taught me a lot about our Lord, what it means to be a servant and what the James verse is talking about true religion is ministering to the orphans. Taking Brian there after we got married was also a special experience, but originally, this camp is what inspired me to choose my career working with these children. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life working with these kids, in some capacity or another.
When Brian and I were seriously dating and talking about the goals we had for our lives, two things we talked about were mission work and adoption. We also knew that both of us wanted a big family. Our immediate families consisted of two children, but we agreed that we wanted at least 3 kids, the ultimate goal being 4 or 5. Most importantly though, we agreed that we both wanted to adopt and do mission work at some point in our lives and entered into a marriage where both of those were on the "bucket list".
November, 2006 we began trying for a baby. We had always planned that we would begin trying after 5 years of marriage, but we decided we couldn't wait any longer. We, but especially I, had this image in my head of what our family would look like. We would have a couple of our own, my eyes, his lips, his mom's hair, my mom's smile. Then, we would adopt a couple of children into our family. But after a year of trying, 21 months of working through what I thought was my diagonsis, and 4 months of looking into what our chances were with the real infertility issue, we had to reconsider things. These last 6 months, I have felt that original vision slipping further and further from my fingers. I've always had the feeling that I should prepare myself for never being able to have my own children. Most people told me that I was just jinxing it, or thinking too negatively. Now I see it as God slowly preparing my heart for the plan he had for me.
In January 2009, we received an opportunity to explore a private adoption. It fell through, but with that experience came the realization that we were prepared to take on kids that didn't look like us, or have the same DNA as us, and that we were prepared to do it in a moment's notice, if that were the child God had selected for us. Throughout 2009, we were shown different signs that we now attribute as from God, of people who had gone through the adoption process. Even a foster-to-adopt situation of a stranger living on the street behind us Brian just happened to meet when he took a lost dog back to her neighbor's house. We then realized that we were connected to a couple of families that had experienced fostering-to-adopt. The Varneys knew these people from college, the Gilberts from Granbury are related to one of the couples, and upon going to visit with them, I realized one of the adopted moms was a girl I grew up with going to camp together.
They told us about the organization that they went through, Covenant Kids. This organization is a faith-based foster/adoption agency that gets children from the CPS system in Texas and connects them with Christian parents that are looking to either make a difference or expand their families. From the moment I heard about this, I instantly felt a sense of peace. I can't really describe it, but from that first second with Cami and Sarah in the 3 year old class at church, when Cami was describing her brother and sister-in-law's experience, I just knew this is what we were supposed to do.
Of course, my engineer husband couldn't make a decision based upon feelings alone, so we had to do some serious research, prayer and discussion before both of us came to the conclusion that this not only fits our desire for children, our desire for adoption, but also our desire for a mission. We've since started completing our paperwork and have already started the training, which, Lord willing, we will be finished with at the end of next week. If all goes well, we will be ready for children in a couple of months.
And you might be wondering why I said children. Statistics show that sibling groups are hard to place because most people only want one or two, and babies or toddlers. We are trying to be open to whatever God gives us. We've always wanted a large family and are currently considering being open to a sibling group of 3, though we are trying not to limit God.
The last few months have been spent in grieving very privately for the potential loss of ever carrying my own. That has been something I've desired, and I am not saying that God can't make that happen for me someday. But we are going into this with the idea that having our biological children is something we are giving up, and will just count it as pure joy and blessing if it does happen. I know that God is going to bless us for this sacrifice. Whether it is in this life, or not, I am confident that what we are doing is his will.
"What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4
We are just here for a little while and while we are here, Brian and I want to follow our calling. We are so excited about the coming months and are already praying for our children that by faith, we know are out there right now. We are asking you to pray with us, for their safety, for a hedge of protection around them physically, emotionally and spiritually, for a swift and obstacle-free process, and their quick delivery into our home, their home.
I'm not sure how many people are still reading this blog, I've not been very faithful to it, and it seems like the blog-trend might be failing. But if there is someone out there that would like for me to continue sharing the ups and downs of this journey on here, please let me know. We want to share this process with everyone, because there are so many children out there that need homes. And if we could potentially help educate others who are on the fence about doing this very same thing, that would be awesome!
I've thought a lot about the words to the song I titled my blog after. It really has been kind of my anthem throughout this whole process and it still applies to what we're doing today.
Excerpt from Something Heavenly (Sanctus Real):
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
These last three years has definitely been a journey. And after hearing from the specialist that you may not ever be able to conceive your own child, even with the INVITRO process, we had some serious soul searching to do. And I have avoided doing it on here because there was a lot of really personal stuff to work through. But now we've reached a decision and feel really good about it, and comfortable in the direction that God seems to be leading us in. Here's a synopsis of how God led us to this decision:
When I was sixteen I began going to Opportunity Camp, I actually wrote a post about OPP Camp in one of my first blogs, 6/2008. I have no idea how to link things on here, so you're gonna have to look for it if you want to know more. Short story, it's a camp for underprivileged children, most in the CPS system in California. Working with these kids, most foster kids, taught me a lot about our Lord, what it means to be a servant and what the James verse is talking about true religion is ministering to the orphans. Taking Brian there after we got married was also a special experience, but originally, this camp is what inspired me to choose my career working with these children. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life working with these kids, in some capacity or another.
When Brian and I were seriously dating and talking about the goals we had for our lives, two things we talked about were mission work and adoption. We also knew that both of us wanted a big family. Our immediate families consisted of two children, but we agreed that we wanted at least 3 kids, the ultimate goal being 4 or 5. Most importantly though, we agreed that we both wanted to adopt and do mission work at some point in our lives and entered into a marriage where both of those were on the "bucket list".
November, 2006 we began trying for a baby. We had always planned that we would begin trying after 5 years of marriage, but we decided we couldn't wait any longer. We, but especially I, had this image in my head of what our family would look like. We would have a couple of our own, my eyes, his lips, his mom's hair, my mom's smile. Then, we would adopt a couple of children into our family. But after a year of trying, 21 months of working through what I thought was my diagonsis, and 4 months of looking into what our chances were with the real infertility issue, we had to reconsider things. These last 6 months, I have felt that original vision slipping further and further from my fingers. I've always had the feeling that I should prepare myself for never being able to have my own children. Most people told me that I was just jinxing it, or thinking too negatively. Now I see it as God slowly preparing my heart for the plan he had for me.
In January 2009, we received an opportunity to explore a private adoption. It fell through, but with that experience came the realization that we were prepared to take on kids that didn't look like us, or have the same DNA as us, and that we were prepared to do it in a moment's notice, if that were the child God had selected for us. Throughout 2009, we were shown different signs that we now attribute as from God, of people who had gone through the adoption process. Even a foster-to-adopt situation of a stranger living on the street behind us Brian just happened to meet when he took a lost dog back to her neighbor's house. We then realized that we were connected to a couple of families that had experienced fostering-to-adopt. The Varneys knew these people from college, the Gilberts from Granbury are related to one of the couples, and upon going to visit with them, I realized one of the adopted moms was a girl I grew up with going to camp together.
They told us about the organization that they went through, Covenant Kids. This organization is a faith-based foster/adoption agency that gets children from the CPS system in Texas and connects them with Christian parents that are looking to either make a difference or expand their families. From the moment I heard about this, I instantly felt a sense of peace. I can't really describe it, but from that first second with Cami and Sarah in the 3 year old class at church, when Cami was describing her brother and sister-in-law's experience, I just knew this is what we were supposed to do.
Of course, my engineer husband couldn't make a decision based upon feelings alone, so we had to do some serious research, prayer and discussion before both of us came to the conclusion that this not only fits our desire for children, our desire for adoption, but also our desire for a mission. We've since started completing our paperwork and have already started the training, which, Lord willing, we will be finished with at the end of next week. If all goes well, we will be ready for children in a couple of months.
And you might be wondering why I said children. Statistics show that sibling groups are hard to place because most people only want one or two, and babies or toddlers. We are trying to be open to whatever God gives us. We've always wanted a large family and are currently considering being open to a sibling group of 3, though we are trying not to limit God.
The last few months have been spent in grieving very privately for the potential loss of ever carrying my own. That has been something I've desired, and I am not saying that God can't make that happen for me someday. But we are going into this with the idea that having our biological children is something we are giving up, and will just count it as pure joy and blessing if it does happen. I know that God is going to bless us for this sacrifice. Whether it is in this life, or not, I am confident that what we are doing is his will.
"What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4
We are just here for a little while and while we are here, Brian and I want to follow our calling. We are so excited about the coming months and are already praying for our children that by faith, we know are out there right now. We are asking you to pray with us, for their safety, for a hedge of protection around them physically, emotionally and spiritually, for a swift and obstacle-free process, and their quick delivery into our home, their home.
I'm not sure how many people are still reading this blog, I've not been very faithful to it, and it seems like the blog-trend might be failing. But if there is someone out there that would like for me to continue sharing the ups and downs of this journey on here, please let me know. We want to share this process with everyone, because there are so many children out there that need homes. And if we could potentially help educate others who are on the fence about doing this very same thing, that would be awesome!
I've thought a lot about the words to the song I titled my blog after. It really has been kind of my anthem throughout this whole process and it still applies to what we're doing today.
Excerpt from Something Heavenly (Sanctus Real):
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
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