How I'm Feeling...Really (Thanks Cami)

I know it's been a while...again. For those that care to still check and make sure I'm still here, I am. My surgery went well and I am almost 100%. The only thing that holds me down now is some problems with food, but that is to be expected. The recovery has gone well and I am so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful family and friends that took care of me, prayed with and for me and showered me with love.

The reason why I haven't written much really doesn't have much to do with the gallbladder situation at all. I just haven't felt like writing. In a much needed getaway to my parents' house, I shared with them that since I got sick 3 days before having IUI, I have tried pushing everything out of my head, not wanting to deal with anything until I actually had a reason to deal with it. Of course, my sweet father reminded me that as a therapist that probably wasn't the most healthy thing to do, but if taking a break from reality is what I needed then that's what I should do.

I'm actually nervous writing this blog. It's funny because I'm shaking as I'm typing as I'm watching everything I've kept close to my heart these last few months displayed on the screen. I joked with my sweet friend Cami the other night at Bunco that her post on her blog "How I'm feeling, really." inspired me to do this on my blog. She has such amazing strength that I daily thank God for her in my life. She has gone through more horrifying circumstances that my shallow, narrow perspective can wrap my mind around. But I feel kindred with her some ways because we both struggle with crosses that we've been asked to bear and we also sit and watch the world continue on while we wait to see how God's going to carry us.

The last few months have not been easy for me. I was literally in shock when I was rushed to the emergency room on vacation and was told I was to stay for a week before getting my gallbladder taken out. For months leading up to that moment, I knew I was feeling bad, I just attributed it to the laundry list of meds I was on preparing for IUI coming in three days. There are many things that I am grateful for in that experience and I do not want anyone to think that I do not feel innumerously blessed by the fact that I did NOT get sick in Europe and it was NOT something more serious than a gallbladder. BUT that does not take away the pain and disappointment that I am still struggling with in the holding pattern I've sat in the last several months, waiting as always for my moment to come.

Last Friday was also harder than I expected. It was the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage. I could feel it coming all week and was unsure of how I was going to respond. I cried most of the morning and spent the entire time in prayer and grief for the loss and the fear that I will never hold a child of my own in my arms, that that sweet baby is the closest I will ever be to being a mommy. But after a few hours, I picked myself up and got out of the house. Partly to distract me, partly to not wallow anymore. I had grieved and as I am still completely out of control of this situation, despair would not help me. So I then spent lunch with my hubby, shipped him off to a wet weekend dove hunting and went straight to my friend Sarah's house, where I literally spent the rest of the weekend, surrounded by my precious Granbury girls and their sweet kids that have become such a comfort to me. You girls will never know how much it meant to spend the weekend with you. I was not looking for distraction and I was not looking for pity, sadness or grief. I merely just wanted to be surrounded by you and enjoy you. And you gave me exactly what I needed: laughter, entertainment, and you let me love on and be loved on by your kids.

Also, Rachel and Joe just finished their first trimester with their sweet baby that God blessed them with in their last round of invitro. For those that are wondering, I AM HAPPY FOR THEM! I have prayed diligently for these sweet people for the last two years for a child and am so glad that God has chosen this couple to shower His sweet grace upon. No, it is not easy for me. This is a blog for honesty, so if you don't like it, you don't have to read it. It isn't easy. I am joyful for them and try to be the best support for them as I can and save my sorrow for myself for later. Luckily I have a husband who does not judge me when I cry, only holds me and prays fervent prayers that one day that will be us sharing our blessed news with our loved ones.

We are now at the place where we will, Lord willing, begin treatment again starting this week and hopefully will have IUI done in a couple of weeks. I'm not excited about it, though I am grateful that modern technology has made this a possibility for us. I guess I'm not excited about it because the most I've learned from the last 3 years and the last 3 months specifically, is that I am NOT in control of this situation AT ALL. I am resigned to the fact that God could choose to give us a child, and he could also choose to not. I do feel that having IUI done is in accordance with His will. This I've sought after since July, wondering if that was His reason for holding me back. I do not have hope that I will get pregnant with IUI. I DO have hope that whatever happens, God will continue to carry me, just as he has. If we don't get pregnant, I will be sad. I will be disappointed. But I take comfort that someday it will all make sense, when I can stand back and look at the completed puzzle and not just my one piece that is struggling to find it's fit. I feel that after a couple of unsuccessful rounds of IUI, Brian and I will have some decisions to make regarding what our next step is. Hopefully, we won't have to have those discussions, but whatever happens, I feel at peace that God is working in this, though it does cause me pain sometimes that I really don't have any idea what is next for me.

So for those who are wondering, I am doing OK. There have been many things that I've been blessed with throughout this whole ordeal and I am not closed to receiving or identifying those blessings. Yes, I am still very sad sometimes. I would be lying if I said I wasn't. But I am also not always sad. There is so much to be joyful about and everyday I am seeking that joy out like darkness seeks out a candle. I will never be as I was before this journey began. I feel older, weary. Weaker, yet stronger. I have resigned myself to God's will, though I still take comfort and strength from Him. I continue to recite my favorite verse in the Bible: Nehemiah 8:10 "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

I've added a new song to my playlist that I've played over and over again in the last few months. It's from one of my favorite groups, Shane & Shane, from their Psalms album, it's their rendition of Psalm 13, describing exactly how I'm feeling now...really.