Keep it together

I haven't really been in the mood lately to post anything. Not because there has been nothing significant going on, I just haven't really been in the mood to deal with it. I haven't been writing in my journal, I've hardly talked to anyone about it and I've finally been slammed with it this week.

I feel like I'm starting to understand some things about myself. We're reading a book by John & Stasi Eldridge in our Friday morning Bible study called Captivating. It is all about healing from past and present wounds and allowing God to romance you. I've started thinking a lot about my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. I've been incredibly blessed by loving parents, a great family and a truly blessed life. But I've started to realize that my whole life, I've felt like my job was try to keep it together. To be the responsible one, the one that could be depended upon.

And I think this affects me in my adulthood as well. In a lot of ways, I think I chose my profession because I can keep it together, and I've kind of always been the one that people go to talk about their problems to, it started when I was just a little girl. These last couple of months it feels like I've just been tossed around by Satan. I haven't talked to anyone but Brian about it because I don't like to feel weak and I try to give the impression that everything is okay, that I'm strong and I can take it. This week it culminated with the start of another cycle and I just really couldn't pretend anymore.

So, I confessed it to Brian on Wednesday night, I confessed it to my girls in Bible study today and I'm confessing it now. I'm scared. I'm tired and I'm scared. I'm tired of counting cycles and taking hormone treatments that make me feel horrible and aren't giving me any desired result. It's been almost a year since I first started Clomid the first time, and my body has been on a roller coaster ride ever since. Every 14 days I'm either climbing a hill of anticipation and excitement, or slamming myself down almost to the ground with disappointment at another failed round. I'm also scared. My doctor wants me to try IUI this cycle and is doubling my Clomid. I'm scared because I'm not sure how my body will react to this double dose. We're also not sure if starting IUI is the right time right now, since it is about $600 a pop, non-insurance covered, of course. I'm not sure if I'm ready to start shelling out the dough, while trying to keep the faith that it will not turn out like the rest of my treatment has. I'm scared because I feel like we're almost to the end of treatment and what happens next?

The fear of the unknown combined with the exhaustion (physical and mental) that I feel right now is crashing down on me. I know some of you are saying, "But I thought you were doing so well. You said you are just going to wait on God's timing." And I feel like I am doing well. I feel like I can still be proud of myself that I'm not completely falling apart or giving up, that I can still feel God's hand on my back holding me up. But I also am not going to pretend that this is not the absolute hardest experience of my entire life.
In my despair Wednesday night, I pulled out the Bible, praying that I could find something to give me comfort. And as usual, God provides.

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand, you don't require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, "Look, I have come. As is written about me in Scripture,
I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart."
I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me, too many to count!
My sins pile up so high, I can't see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly Lord to help me.
May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, "Aha! We've got her now!"
But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The Lord is great!"
As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

I will not stop speaking about what God is doing in me and for me. And while I am never going to be feeling great about infertility, and I may never say, "Gee, God. That was really great. Thanks for letting me go through that!", I can still praise him for his unfailing love and faithfulness. He has blessed me with the most amazing family and the greatest friends who have decided to each take a day and pray for us over these next two weeks. I don't think I've ever had that done for me in my entire life. I know I am blessed and I thank God for the work he has done in me.

I understand that I don't have to "keep it together". Why should I? I have a God who's really been the one who's kept me together all along. Now, I just beg that God keep me in his thoughts, that he continue to rescue me and not hold back his tender mercies from me. Please God, don't delay.