What words can't express...

How many times I've sat at the computer, staring at this screen, searching for words to describe the last few months. And everytime I come up short. Speechless. Awestruck. Humbled. Amazed.

Last I wrote we were beginning the adoption process of a sibling group in the CPS system. January was full of training classes and preparing our home for our children.

February arrived and we found ourselves wrapping up training classes and rapidly filling out paperwork that we knew were the last steps to our babies. We spent weekends then cleaning out rooms, getting our house to code, knowing we were so close.

On February 9th I was one week late and feeling horrible. I've had problems before and decided to take a pregnancy test so I could prove it was negative in order to go to the doctor and get treatment. I went home at lunch and took it, Brian was out of town at a training. Before I could hardly set it down, two pink lines appeared. I fell to the floor and called my husband. He ran out of the training and we immediately began crying and freaking out at this possibility. I called my doctor and she got me in that day for a blood test to confirm. My last pregnancy ended too soon with low hormone levels for the baby and for me, so I wanted to get results as soon as possible. I walked around as a zombie for two days until the tests came back with sky high hormone levels for the baby and for me. Brian got home and we celebrated cautiously-happy, yet waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us.

February 26th Brian and I could hardly get out of bed. It was the day of our first sonogram and we had heard countless stories of empty sacs, no heartbeats, and we were paralyzed with fear. We started the day in prayer, begging God to follow through with this miracle blessing. As I was dressing to go, my sister, Amanda, called and said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now ecstatic and panicked more than ever, I drove to the doctor.

I've had countless sonograms through these last 3 years of infertility and I remember every single time praying they would find a little beating heart instead of ovaries trying to produce something that may or may not be there. Brian stood by my head and we saw 2 little blobs on the screen with one of them flashing in the middle. Trembling, I asked the technician if everything was alright and if that was the heart. She said everything looked perfect and then flipped the switch. Hearing the most glorious sound I've ever heard, Brian and I fell apart, bursting into a thousand tears. My baby's precious little heart was trucking and I finally felt the relief of 3 years lifted off of my shoulders.

I am trying feebly with tears in my eyes to describe the last few months in way that does the miracle we have been privileged to be apart of justice. As of now I am 14 weeks, 3 days and am out of the woods of that frightening first trimester, seeing my belly grow, looking into preschools for my little darling and anticipating 3 weeks from now when we find out whether to shop for pink or blue. I have struggled these last few months being on one hand awestruck and ecstatic and on the other panicked and just waiting for that rug to be pulled out from under me.

What I can't wrap my mind around is why God chose us to play out this miracle. I think back to September, when I found out I had barely any eggs and presented an only 2-3% of EVER getting pregnant. I cry when I think of driving home that day with my stomach at my feet not being able to see the road ahead of me due to the tears. This child is here because GOD wanted this child here. I will forever be in awe of this little one and of THE ONE who picked me to be her mommy. Words can't express the sheer and boundless joy, humility, love, absolute euphoria we feel at the next few months and the years to come. I still have hardly any words to say because often my mouth just hangs open and I marvel at who is growing inside of me right now. But, getting this out is a start, a good beginning to accepting my new reality, my new life, my deep breath my sweet Father gave to me.