Something heavenly

A new chapter

2011-06-17T19:25:00.002-05:00

I thought I was done blogging.
I mean, isn't almost everyone done blogging? Unless they've got some sort of special talent to share with the world.
I've been journaling. Someday I will catch up the blogosphere on the last 14 months of my life since I last posted.
Today, I'm looking for a little blog-therapy.
October 6, 2010 I was blessed with a miracle of my very own. Samuel has spent the last eight months providing me with entertainment, joy, sleepless nights, an absurd amount of bodily fluids expelled onto various clothes and furniture, humility, but most of all, a look into the merciful nature of an aboundingly graceful Heavenly Father.
Samuel is more than I could have ever asked for or imagined.
But I wanted more. I've always wanted more. I asked for more.
Not at this specific second, of course, cause that would be crazy to want to raise two babies in a span of one year...
But last month, I thought that was what I had received. A blessing out of nowhere, an unexpected pregnancy that again proves that statistics can be triumphed if you have a belief in the Creator of the Universe.
We acted on the belief that in January we would be bringing a sibling home for Samuel to torment. We spread the news. We started planning for the future. But there was a higher plan in place.
This week I lost that baby. I experienced a second miscarriage in 3 years. I lost a child that I had carried for 10 weeks. That I had, in my head, been giving names to. That I now have to plan an alternate future without.
I don't know how I feel. Precious friends and family have reached out to me. I mostly, if I answer the phone at all, sit silent because I physically can't form words.
I feel like I have been on an emotional roller coaster ride for the last almost 5 years that I can't seem to get off of.
Once again, the control of my life that I am constantly grasping at, is shown to have never been in my grasp to begin with.
All I can do is raise my hands to my Father. I don't understand sweet Jesus. Why do I have two babies resting with you instead of in my arms? Why is it that as soon as I begin to understand the nature of YOU, my boat is rocked and all I can do is search the waters for your presence and peace that surpasses all understanding.
Please hold my babies. Please rock them, sing to them. Tell them how much I love them.
Father, please give me peace. Dry my tears. Help me to once again lift up my face to your glory and rest in the comfort that you are up to something heavenly through my life.

What words can't express...

2010-04-15T17:08:00.002-05:00

How many times I've sat at the computer, staring at this screen, searching for words to describe the last few months. And everytime I come up short. Speechless. Awestruck. Humbled. Amazed.

Last I wrote we were beginning the adoption process of a sibling group in the CPS system. January was full of training classes and preparing our home for our children.

February arrived and we found ourselves wrapping up training classes and rapidly filling out paperwork that we knew were the last steps to our babies. We spent weekends then cleaning out rooms, getting our house to code, knowing we were so close.

On February 9th I was one week late and feeling horrible. I've had problems before and decided to take a pregnancy test so I could prove it was negative in order to go to the doctor and get treatment. I went home at lunch and took it, Brian was out of town at a training. Before I could hardly set it down, two pink lines appeared. I fell to the floor and called my husband. He ran out of the training and we immediately began crying and freaking out at this possibility. I called my doctor and she got me in that day for a blood test to confirm. My last pregnancy ended too soon with low hormone levels for the baby and for me, so I wanted to get results as soon as possible. I walked around as a zombie for two days until the tests came back with sky high hormone levels for the baby and for me. Brian got home and we celebrated cautiously-happy, yet waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under us.

February 26th Brian and I could hardly get out of bed. It was the day of our first sonogram and we had heard countless stories of empty sacs, no heartbeats, and we were paralyzed with fear. We started the day in prayer, begging God to follow through with this miracle blessing. As I was dressing to go, my sister, Amanda, called and said that she had just taken a pregnancy test and it was positive. Now ecstatic and panicked more than ever, I drove to the doctor.

I've had countless sonograms through these last 3 years of infertility and I remember every single time praying they would find a little beating heart instead of ovaries trying to produce something that may or may not be there. Brian stood by my head and we saw 2 little blobs on the screen with one of them flashing in the middle. Trembling, I asked the technician if everything was alright and if that was the heart. She said everything looked perfect and then flipped the switch. Hearing the most glorious sound I've ever heard, Brian and I fell apart, bursting into a thousand tears. My baby's precious little heart was trucking and I finally felt the relief of 3 years lifted off of my shoulders.

I am trying feebly with tears in my eyes to describe the last few months in way that does the miracle we have been privileged to be apart of justice. As of now I am 14 weeks, 3 days and am out of the woods of that frightening first trimester, seeing my belly grow, looking into preschools for my little darling and anticipating 3 weeks from now when we find out whether to shop for pink or blue. I have struggled these last few months being on one hand awestruck and ecstatic and on the other panicked and just waiting for that rug to be pulled out from under me.

What I can't wrap my mind around is why God chose us to play out this miracle. I think back to September, when I found out I had barely any eggs and presented an only 2-3% of EVER getting pregnant. I cry when I think of driving home that day with my stomach at my feet not being able to see the road ahead of me due to the tears. This child is here because GOD wanted this child here. I will forever be in awe of this little one and of THE ONE who picked me to be her mommy. Words can't express the sheer and boundless joy, humility, love, absolute euphoria we feel at the next few months and the years to come. I still have hardly any words to say because often my mouth just hangs open and I marvel at who is growing inside of me right now. But, getting this out is a start, a good beginning to accepting my new reality, my new life, my deep breath my sweet Father gave to me.

What we heard...

2010-01-14T11:59:00.002-06:00

After a lot of praying, talking, researching and praying some more, we've decided to begin the adoption process!
These last three years has definitely been a journey. And after hearing from the specialist that you may not ever be able to conceive your own child, even with the INVITRO process, we had some serious soul searching to do. And I have avoided doing it on here because there was a lot of really personal stuff to work through. But now we've reached a decision and feel really good about it, and comfortable in the direction that God seems to be leading us in. Here's a synopsis of how God led us to this decision:

When I was sixteen I began going to Opportunity Camp, I actually wrote a post about OPP Camp in one of my first blogs, 6/2008. I have no idea how to link things on here, so you're gonna have to look for it if you want to know more. Short story, it's a camp for underprivileged children, most in the CPS system in California. Working with these kids, most foster kids, taught me a lot about our Lord, what it means to be a servant and what the James verse is talking about true religion is ministering to the orphans. Taking Brian there after we got married was also a special experience, but originally, this camp is what inspired me to choose my career working with these children. I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life working with these kids, in some capacity or another.

When Brian and I were seriously dating and talking about the goals we had for our lives, two things we talked about were mission work and adoption. We also knew that both of us wanted a big family. Our immediate families consisted of two children, but we agreed that we wanted at least 3 kids, the ultimate goal being 4 or 5. Most importantly though, we agreed that we both wanted to adopt and do mission work at some point in our lives and entered into a marriage where both of those were on the "bucket list".

November, 2006 we began trying for a baby. We had always planned that we would begin trying after 5 years of marriage, but we decided we couldn't wait any longer. We, but especially I, had this image in my head of what our family would look like. We would have a couple of our own, my eyes, his lips, his mom's hair, my mom's smile. Then, we would adopt a couple of children into our family. But after a year of trying, 21 months of working through what I thought was my diagonsis, and 4 months of looking into what our chances were with the real infertility issue, we had to reconsider things. These last 6 months, I have felt that original vision slipping further and further from my fingers. I've always had the feeling that I should prepare myself for never being able to have my own children. Most people told me that I was just jinxing it, or thinking too negatively. Now I see it as God slowly preparing my heart for the plan he had for me.

In January 2009, we received an opportunity to explore a private adoption. It fell through, but with that experience came the realization that we were prepared to take on kids that didn't look like us, or have the same DNA as us, and that we were prepared to do it in a moment's notice, if that were the child God had selected for us. Throughout 2009, we were shown different signs that we now attribute as from God, of people who had gone through the adoption process. Even a foster-to-adopt situation of a stranger living on the street behind us Brian just happened to meet when he took a lost dog back to her neighbor's house. We then realized that we were connected to a couple of families that had experienced fostering-to-adopt. The Varneys knew these people from college, the Gilberts from Granbury are related to one of the couples, and upon going to visit with them, I realized one of the adopted moms was a girl I grew up with going to camp together.

They told us about the organization that they went through, Covenant Kids. This organization is a faith-based foster/adoption agency that gets children from the CPS system in Texas and connects them with Christian parents that are looking to either make a difference or expand their families. From the moment I heard about this, I instantly felt a sense of peace. I can't really describe it, but from that first second with Cami and Sarah in the 3 year old class at church, when Cami was describing her brother and sister-in-law's experience, I just knew this is what we were supposed to do.

Of course, my engineer husband couldn't make a decision based upon feelings alone, so we had to do some serious research, prayer and discussion before both of us came to the conclusion that this not only fits our desire for children, our desire for adoption, but also our desire for a mission. We've since started completing our paperwork and have already started the training, which, Lord willing, we will be finished with at the end of next week. If all goes well, we will be ready for children in a couple of months.

And you might be wondering why I said children. Statistics show that sibling groups are hard to place because most people only want one or two, and babies or toddlers. We are trying to be open to whatever God gives us. We've always wanted a large family and are currently considering being open to a sibling group of 3, though we are trying not to limit God.

The last few months have been spent in grieving very privately for the potential loss of ever carrying my own. That has been something I've desired, and I am not saying that God can't make that happen for me someday. But we are going into this with the idea that having our biological children is something we are giving up, and will just count it as pure joy and blessing if it does happen. I know that God is going to bless us for this sacrifice. Whether it is in this life, or not, I am confident that what we are doing is his will.

"What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Anyone, then, who knows the good he ought to do and doesn't do it, sins." James 4

We are just here for a little while and while we are here, Brian and I want to follow our calling. We are so excited about the coming months and are already praying for our children that by faith, we know are out there right now. We are asking you to pray with us, for their safety, for a hedge of protection around them physically, emotionally and spiritually, for a swift and obstacle-free process, and their quick delivery into our home, their home.

I'm not sure how many people are still reading this blog, I've not been very faithful to it, and it seems like the blog-trend might be failing. But if there is someone out there that would like for me to continue sharing the ups and downs of this journey on here, please let me know. We want to share this process with everyone, because there are so many children out there that need homes. And if we could potentially help educate others who are on the fence about doing this very same thing, that would be awesome!

I've thought a lot about the words to the song I titled my blog after. It really has been kind of my anthem throughout this whole process and it still applies to what we're doing today.

Excerpt from Something Heavenly (Sanctus Real):
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...

Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly

Update

2009-11-30T21:47:00.002-06:00

It's been another busy couple of months and time has gotten away from me once again. Since my last post, Brian and I have completed two unsuccessful IUI cycles. Our fertility specialist is not recommending we try another cycle and is recommending that we either go for InVitro Fertilization, or pursue adoption. We've spent the last month in prayer and thought about what God wants us to do next. I've never wanted to do IVF, but now that I know it is my only option, I've had to consider it. We have also been approached with a a foster-to-adopt program that mutual friends have done and successfully added to their families through. We are currently looking into that program and are seriously considering adding to our family through adoption.

It is a difficult scenario to consider never carrying my own child. My loved ones are concerned that I will regret not trying everything I can to have my own before considering adoption, because there will always be babies and children who need homes. I would love to have a child that is a combination of Brian and me and the thought of never experiencing that is sad. But lately I've felt more at peace with the idea that God is going to bless us with children, one way or the other. I still do not feel called to do IVF. Brian thinks that is interesting because he always thought we would end up doing IVF if IUI didn't work, just because he knew how much having my own child was important to me. But even facing the possibility that I won't ever get pregnant without IVF, I still do not feel like it is what I need to do.
I'm doing okay right now, though I am dealing with disappointment and confusion about what to do next. I do not want to let my family and friends down, and I do not want to be seen as weak for not doing everything I can to have my own child. I just want us to make the best decision possible for our family.
I guess we need prayers right now more than anything. We need to know what God is wanting us to do. And we need support from our family and friends as we make this decision and in the next few months. I know God's hand is in this, I just need to see which way he is pointing.

How I'm Feeling...Really (Thanks Cami)

2009-09-15T19:00:00.006-05:00

I know it's been a while...again. For those that care to still check and make sure I'm still here, I am. My surgery went well and I am almost 100%. The only thing that holds me down now is some problems with food, but that is to be expected. The recovery has gone well and I am so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful family and friends that took care of me, prayed with and for me and showered me with love.

The reason why I haven't written much really doesn't have much to do with the gallbladder situation at all. I just haven't felt like writing. In a much needed getaway to my parents' house, I shared with them that since I got sick 3 days before having IUI, I have tried pushing everything out of my head, not wanting to deal with anything until I actually had a reason to deal with it. Of course, my sweet father reminded me that as a therapist that probably wasn't the most healthy thing to do, but if taking a break from reality is what I needed then that's what I should do.

I'm actually nervous writing this blog. It's funny because I'm shaking as I'm typing as I'm watching everything I've kept close to my heart these last few months displayed on the screen. I joked with my sweet friend Cami the other night at Bunco that her post on her blog "How I'm feeling, really." inspired me to do this on my blog. She has such amazing strength that I daily thank God for her in my life. She has gone through more horrifying circumstances that my shallow, narrow perspective can wrap my mind around. But I feel kindred with her some ways because we both struggle with crosses that we've been asked to bear and we also sit and watch the world continue on while we wait to see how God's going to carry us.

The last few months have not been easy for me. I was literally in shock when I was rushed to the emergency room on vacation and was told I was to stay for a week before getting my gallbladder taken out. For months leading up to that moment, I knew I was feeling bad, I just attributed it to the laundry list of meds I was on preparing for IUI coming in three days. There are many things that I am grateful for in that experience and I do not want anyone to think that I do not feel innumerously blessed by the fact that I did NOT get sick in Europe and it was NOT something more serious than a gallbladder. BUT that does not take away the pain and disappointment that I am still struggling with in the holding pattern I've sat in the last several months, waiting as always for my moment to come.

Last Friday was also harder than I expected. It was the one-year anniversary of my miscarriage. I could feel it coming all week and was unsure of how I was going to respond. I cried most of the morning and spent the entire time in prayer and grief for the loss and the fear that I will never hold a child of my own in my arms, that that sweet baby is the closest I will ever be to being a mommy. But after a few hours, I picked myself up and got out of the house. Partly to distract me, partly to not wallow anymore. I had grieved and as I am still completely out of control of this situation, despair would not help me. So I then spent lunch with my hubby, shipped him off to a wet weekend dove hunting and went straight to my friend Sarah's house, where I literally spent the rest of the weekend, surrounded by my precious Granbury girls and their sweet kids that have become such a comfort to me. You girls will never know how much it meant to spend the weekend with you. I was not looking for distraction and I was not looking for pity, sadness or grief. I merely just wanted to be surrounded by you and enjoy you. And you gave me exactly what I needed: laughter, entertainment, and you let me love on and be loved on by your kids.

Also, Rachel and Joe just finished their first trimester with their sweet baby that God blessed them with in their last round of invitro. For those that are wondering, I AM HAPPY FOR THEM! I have prayed diligently for these sweet people for the last two years for a child and am so glad that God has chosen this couple to shower His sweet grace upon. No, it is not easy for me. This is a blog for honesty, so if you don't like it, you don't have to read it. It isn't easy. I am joyful for them and try to be the best support for them as I can and save my sorrow for myself for later. Luckily I have a husband who does not judge me when I cry, only holds me and prays fervent prayers that one day that will be us sharing our blessed news with our loved ones.

We are now at the place where we will, Lord willing, begin treatment again starting this week and hopefully will have IUI done in a couple of weeks. I'm not excited about it, though I am grateful that modern technology has made this a possibility for us. I guess I'm not excited about it because the most I've learned from the last 3 years and the last 3 months specifically, is that I am NOT in control of this situation AT ALL. I am resigned to the fact that God could choose to give us a child, and he could also choose to not. I do feel that having IUI done is in accordance with His will. This I've sought after since July, wondering if that was His reason for holding me back. I do not have hope that I will get pregnant with IUI. I DO have hope that whatever happens, God will continue to carry me, just as he has. If we don't get pregnant, I will be sad. I will be disappointed. But I take comfort that someday it will all make sense, when I can stand back and look at the completed puzzle and not just my one piece that is struggling to find it's fit. I feel that after a couple of unsuccessful rounds of IUI, Brian and I will have some decisions to make regarding what our next step is. Hopefully, we won't have to have those discussions, but whatever happens, I feel at peace that God is working in this, though it does cause me pain sometimes that I really don't have any idea what is next for me.

So for those who are wondering, I am doing OK. There have been many things that I've been blessed with throughout this whole ordeal and I am not closed to receiving or identifying those blessings. Yes, I am still very sad sometimes. I would be lying if I said I wasn't. But I am also not always sad. There is so much to be joyful about and everyday I am seeking that joy out like darkness seeks out a candle. I will never be as I was before this journey began. I feel older, weary. Weaker, yet stronger. I have resigned myself to God's will, though I still take comfort and strength from Him. I continue to recite my favorite verse in the Bible: Nehemiah 8:10 "Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength."

I've added a new song to my playlist that I've played over and over again in the last few months. It's from one of my favorite groups, Shane & Shane, from their Psalms album, it's their rendition of Psalm 13, describing exactly how I'm feeling now...really.

Gallbladder-A-Go-Go

2009-07-27T18:31:00.002-05:00

After an awesome weekend with my BFFs, and a trip to the coast with my family, I got an unpleasant surprise. Around 2:30 AM Wednesday morning I woke up with stomach pains that felt like I was having a heart attack. My aunt and uncles started the drive to the hospital in Corpus Christi, but ended up calling an ambulance to take me the rest of the way because I was feeling so bad. After a sleepless night of blown veins, IVs, blood draws, CT scans, ultrasounds, etc, they determined I had pancreatitis and needed my gallbladder taken out. They wanted to keep me in the hospital up to a week to get the infection out of my pancreas and then take out the gallbladder. I couldn't imagine staying in a town where I knew no one, so I persuaded them to let me go if I wasn't on my deathbed, my aunt Jo got me a flight out that afternoon and I checked into Harris Southwest Medical Center in Ft. Worth Wednesday night. The pancreatitis was actually a very mild case as my blood levels were all back to normal within a few days, but my gallbladder still needs to come out. So now I'm at home, waiting for the surgeon to get back in town so I can meet with him and schedule this little outpatient procedure.

I'm actually doing much better. I feel okay, just tired and a little sore. Brian and I are still amazed at the outpouring of love that we felt while in the hospital. For the less than 48 hours I was there, we had a full room almost the entire time, all the way up until I was discharged. And my phone was always blowing up with texts, calls, emails, voicemails. I felt so blessed to feel the love of our friends and family that came to check on me.

I'm ready to get this little procedure out and over with. From what I understand of the surgery, I will be feeling like a million bucks once I get it out. What I think I'm struggling with most right now is why this is happening to me now. Not many of you know, but I was supposed to have IUI this past weekend. For some reason, God did not want me to have this done this month, and what Brian and I can only guess is He is asking us for more patience since we will not be able to even start trying again for a couple of months. Please pray for me and for us as we are trying to stay positive and hopeful, are trying to keep from getting discouraged, and will be hopefully having my gallbladder out in the coming weeks.

The List

2009-07-03T13:40:00.003-05:00

Found this list while I was blogstalking today and thought I'd give it a try! I did pretty well, though there's plenty of stuff left to do, though some of that wouldn't have ever occurred to me ever to do...;)
What have you done?
1. Started your own blog
2. Slept under the stars
3. Played in a band
4. Visited Hawaii
5. Watched a meteor shower
6. Given more than you can afford to charity
7. Been to Disneyworld/Disneyland
8. Climbed a mountain
9. Held a praying mantis
10. Sang a solo
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch
15. Adopted a child
16. Had food poisoning
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty (been to the Statue of Liberty...)
18. Grown your own vegetables
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France (overrated)
20. Slept on an overnight train
21. Had a pillow fight
22. Hitch hiked
23. Taken a sick day when you were not ill
24. Built a snow fort
25. Held a lamb
26. Gone skinny dipping (at dear old Sooner Youth Camp...)
27. Run a marathon
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice
29. Seen a total eclipse
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset
31. Hit a home run
32. Been on a cruise
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
35. Seen an Amish community
36. Taught yourself a new language
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person (Flew out of Pisa, never saw the tower though..)
39. Gone rock climbing
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David
41. Sung karaoke
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant (does a stranger on the street count?)
44. Visited Africa
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight
46. Been transported in an ambulance
47. Had your portrait painted
48. Gone deep sea fishing
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling
52. Kissed in the rain
53. Played in the mud
54. Gone to a drive-in theater (Granbury has a drive in!)
55. Been in a movie
56. Visited the Great Wall of China
57. Started a business
58. Taken a martial arts class
59. Visited Russia (does Ukraine count? It's on the border of Russia...)
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout Cookies
62. Gone whale watching
63. Got flowers for no reason
64. Donated blood, platelets or plasma
65. Gone sky diving
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp
67. Bounced a check
68. Flown in a helicopter
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial
71. Eaten Caviar
72. Pieced a quilt
73. Stood in Times Square
74. Toured the Everglades
75. Been laid off from a job
76. Seen the Changing of the Guards in London
77. Broken a bone
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person
80. Published a book
81. Visited the Vatican
82. Bought a brand new car
83. Walked in Jerusalem
84. Had your picture in the newspaper
85. Kissed a stranger at midnight on New Year’s Eve
86. Visited the White House
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
88. Had chickenpox
89. Saved someone’s life (lifeguarding)
90. Sat on a jury
91. Met someone famous
92. Joined a book club (but I never really read any of it, probably doesn't count..)
93. Lost a loved one
94. Had a baby
95. Seen the Alamo in person
96. Swam in the Great Salt Lake
97. Been involved in a law suit
98. Owned a cell phone
99. Been stung by a bee
The David, in Florence

Time with Friends

2009-07-02T20:28:00.006-05:00

We've been very busy for the last couple of weeks! I've been working on getting put on Medicaid to start getting more clients in my private practice. I've also gotten the chance to spend time with several of my sweet friends. We also got to go to Austin for the Kennedy girls' dance recital and Dylan's basketball game. We had such a great time, we love spending time with them and can't wait to go back!

Dylan's game, he was the only one playing defense!

Mackenzie and me at the game
Mindy and me, this is my favorite picture of us!
Brian at Compass Trading with the girls, he was Mr. Fashion! He picked out new earrings for me, a necklace for Mindy, headbands for the girls & basically entertained them the whole time!
The girls (& Mindy!) performing the routine before we left, so stinking cute!
Aren't they beautiful?
Us with Madison and Mackenzie
Before the dance recital
Just beautiful!
Brian and Dylan trying to entertain themselves before the recital
Performing their dance number to Shoo Fly Fly & Apple Pan Dandy
Madison licking her armpit, talent...

On Tuesday I got to hang out with both of my best friends and their children I love so much! I met Rebecca and Mindy at Rebecca's mom's house and we took the kids to the water park in Hurst. You have to go there if you live in the Metroplex, it was totally worth the $4 ticket if you're not a Hurst resident! The three of us even put on our big girl shorts and went down the big water slide, something neither of us had done in about 10 years! I didn't take my camera, so I don't have any pics, but as soon as I get some I will post them, Mindy's mom got some really great ones.
Me and some of my favorite people

After the water park we cleaned up and the moms were nice enough to let us girls go out on a girls' night. We spent half of the time eating, Mexican and Chessecake Factory, and the other half of the time talking and catching up. I didn't get home until 2 am, but it was totally worth it. I love these girls so much, I don't know what I'd do without them in my life and I can't wait to have girls' weekend in just a couple of weeks! :)

Spain!!

2009-06-22T21:17:00.009-05:00

We really loved Spain, it is our favorite place in the entire world. The culture is amazing, the food is incredible, the scenery is beautiful, the people are super-friendly. When we went two years ago, we went to Sevilla, the previous capital of Spain and is located in the part of Spain called, Andalusia. Andalusia, is the southern part of Spain and really has its own dialect and culture. Granada, where we went this time, is another town in Andalusia nearer to the coast. And again, we had an amazing time, here's the last of our pics:

Granada

About a 1000 years ago, Spain was occupied by the Muslims. That is when they built the Alhambra, the most well preserved castle/fortress in Spain. In 1492, King Ferdinand and Queen Isabella gave Columbus the go ahead to explore for the New World, in the Alhambra. In the 1900s, Washington Irving was staying at the Alhambra. At the time, it was abandoned and inhabited by homeless people (gypsies) and donkeys. But the book that he wrote about The Alhambra became world renowned and convinced the Spanish government to reclaim this ancient structure and make it into a national monument.
The Alhambra
The Alhambra looking out over Granada

You can see the snow covered tops of the Sierra Nevada mountains
The Alhambra Summer Palace
One of the typical Andalusian foods, almost every restaurant/cafe has these legs of ham that have been cured years ago. They take a leg, slice the meat very thin and serve it with different chesses and bread. It is our absolute favorite tapa (appetizer), though it was a little unsettling to see pig legs hanging out everywhere.
Me & my favorite Spanish food, churros. They are like funnel cakes made out of potatoes and dipped in hot chocolate. So incredibly good!!
While we were there, they were having a week long celebration of Korpus Kristi (body of Christ). And how they celebrate is festivals, carnivals, fireworks, parades all day and all night. This carnival started at midnite and lasted until 6 am and everyone was there dressed in flamenco dresses, riding rides, eating, dancing and partying. It was a total blast!
Flamenco
Us walking down one of the streets in Granada, at about 3:30 in the morning! Look how crowded it is!! :)
Us looking out over the Alhambra at sunset
Our hotel receptionist told us about Salobrena, a beach town that is known as a "White Town". Southern Spain is known for it's towns with all white buildings with terra cotta roofs. It was a beautiful town set on a hill, looking out over the Sea.
On top of the castle in Salobrena.
Brian posing out of a window in the castle
The best meal we had in Europe: Tapas (the ham & cheese) and fried fresh fish, and Sangria (my absolute favorite!)
The beach, it was gravel and rock, ouch! The water was super cold, so we baked on the rocks but couldn't cool off in the water...And our hotel lady neglected to tell us that it was a "clothes optional" beach! We just walked head down till we reached an empty part of the "beach". Oh well! It's Europe!
Us on the beach in Salobrena
A parade when we got back from Salobrena at midnite. The guys at the parade were dressed in traditional Spanish attire, vaqueros and flamencos on horseback.

All in all, we really did have an amazing time. We've been glad to be back this week, and have enjoyed seeing friends and family and sleeping in our bed with our puppies. But we are so grateful to God for blessing us with the opportunity to visit Albania and the beautiful people there as well as play for two weeks, just the two of us!

ITALY!! :)

2009-06-18T09:49:00.008-05:00

After Albania we spent a week in Italy. We had gone backpacking in Europe for two weeks together in 2007 and when we were planning on where we wanted to go, we wanted to hit some places we'd never been and go back to some places we wanted to spend more time in. We got a hard time from some that we were going to be gone for a whole month, and it really was a long time to be gone. But I feel so incredibly blessed to have been able to go away with my husband, not for work (though I thank the federal govt. for sending us to lots of great places), for an entire month. It made our marriage stronger and I enjoyed every second of it.

Straight from Albania we went to Venice. We really enjoyed Albania, but there was so much traffic and pollution. It was so incredible to go to Venice straight away. Venice is like no other place, it is eerily quiet because there is no street traffic except for walkers. And the only transportation is by foot or boat. And we love the food and drink and culture of Italy so much, it was just relaxing to be there.

In St. Mark's Square, the cafes on all sides of the square that have been there for hundreds of years, have dueling orchestras. So we got a coffee and listened to fabulous music echoing around the ancient walls of the square.

One of the Venetian islands, Murano, is famous for it's hand-blown glass. This is a haybale (for you Mom:)) made out of little pieces of glass.
YUMMM GELATO! We got at least one gelato a day, how can you be sad when you have gelato every day?
We totally don't have $120 Euro to hire a gondola for an hour, but couldn't miss riding one. So we got on a traghetto ($2 Euro), which is basically a gondola that takes you across the Grand Canal. We met a gondolier that was an Italian that met his American wife while she was on holiday in Venice, they are now married, living in Venice and just had a baby. Now that's Amore!
Aaaahhh Venice...
Rialto Bridge

After Venice we trained to the Cinque Terra (Five Lands), which is just north of Florence on the Meditteranean. The Cinque Terra is made up of five towns on five different cliffs hanging over the Sea. Up until about 50 years ago, there was no road that connected the five towns. But now they are connected by a road, but more famously a trail that is cut into the cliffs on the sea. It is unequivocally the most beautiful place I've ever seen in my entire life. One of the days we were there we took a boat to the furthest town and hiked to each town. At every turn, we gasped because the views were amazing. And there were low spots on the trail all day that we just dropped our shorts (we had bathing suits on underneath...) and went for a swim in the Sea. It was perfect temperature, super deep, super clear (you could see to the bottom) and so salty you could float with almost no effort. It was the most romantic place we'd ever been to and a perfect way to celebrate 6 years of wedded bliss. :)
My hair was super poofy while we were there, pardon the frizz...
On the trail between towns
In between 2 of the towns, the trail was not for the faint of heart. Though it was doable for 2 late 20 year olds in moderate shape, there were parts that were super high and the only thing keeping you from cliff diving into the sea was a rail...
The trail from two of the towns is called Via Dell Amore (Lovers Walk), named for the relationships discovered and committed on this trail between towns. Finally people had a way of meeting and interacting with the townspeople from next door. So tradition started that at the place where you meet, you graffiti your love on the walls and symbolize your everlasting love with attaching a lock to plants, nets, whatever you can find.
Locks on the Via Dell Amore
One of our stops for a swim
Brian eating squid on the trail, a delicacy there on the coast of Italy, though I'm not a fish eater, even I ate some squid, though it was frita (fried)!
View of Vernazza on our way home on the hike. We stayed in Vernazza and if you look closely towards the water, the tower sticking up out of the cliff is right above where our hotel was, built into the cliff/city wall.
This is the view from our balcony off our room. It was literally cut out of the cliff and looking down, you can just see the moon reflecting off the crashing waves and water. So amazing.
Us looking out over Vernazza from the church and cemetary
Out for a swim in Vernazza, there was a beach and sunning rocks, we chose a rock and had a great view of all of the young families and old men in speedos. In truth though, it was still not nearly as crowded as other places we'd been. So it was still relaxing and peaceful.
Dinner our last night at sunset

After we sadly left the Cinque Terra, we headed to Florence for shopping. FYI the best shopping is in Florence, the markets are great and you can haggle with most everyone because the booths mostly carry the same merchandise!
Us in front of the Duomo in Florence

Albania #3

2009-06-15T08:15:00.006-05:00

So I decided to post the rest of the trip in parts. And I figured I would wrap up Albania first. It's amazing to me to think about it being a month ago that we arrived in Albania, not knowing what to expect. We've talked non-stop about the connections we've made there and have already enjoyed getting to talk to some of our new brothers and sisters over facebook and skype. Thank goodness for today's technology!
Here's the story of the rest of our trip in Albania:
This is a picture of the outside of the church building and the church van. Now, the Americans (Brian and I) argued that the van was blue, the Albanians argued that the van was green. We finally settled on that the van was blue-green. Brian decided that the van needed a good name, so he named it the Blue Bomber. They argued it couldn't be that name because it isn't blue, but after talking to Flori last night, the Blue Bomber has stuck, at least for now...

On our last Sunday after church, we took the Blue Bomber an hour away to the coast town, Durres. It was a lot of fun and reminded us of the beach in Texas. It was very relaxing and I'm never going to hate a trip to the beach.
Vjola & me
The group that went to the beach
That day was actually our sixth anniversary. It is so hard to believe that 6 years ago we were just starting out on our life as a married couple. We talked in Durres how we never would have expected to be spending our 6th anniversary in Albania of all places...God has a plan.

After church Wednesday we went to a bar/cafe to watch a soccer/football championship game between Manchester United and I already forgot the other one...I'm sure it's in my journal. We had a lot of fun and just enjoyed extra time spent with our new friends.
Koli & Brian at the game

Thursday Koli & Flori took us on a trip around Albania in the Blue Bomber. They took us to the castle not far from Tirana up in the mountains in a town called Kruja. It was really awesome, neither of us had been to such an old castle before and the view was incredible. Brian says his favorite part of the entire trip was driving in the van with everyone and the great talks we had.

Brian, me, Flori & Sokhol
Koli, Flori & Brian in traditional Albanian hats

During the day on Monday, Wednesday and Friday we spent time with our students that came for English through the Bible studies. It was such a great experience to be reading God's word with these young people. It was pretty amazing that they just would accept the word as truth since it was in the Bible. The kicker was the Word requiring a life change to follow God, I wish we had more time to spend with them, but we look so forward to talking with some of our readers over Skype and look forward to hear about how God will water the seed planted.
Two of our readers, Enida (top) and Mina (bottom) were roommates and reminded us so much of two of our favorite University students back home, Lauren and Kaycee. Hopefully we can keep in touch with them over Skype or email.

The last night Brian taught the youth class (the 20 year olds) and we had snacks after class in the basement. We are going to miss the great discussions we've had with these Christians and have learned so much from their genuine sincerity for the Lord and their love for each other.
Ellen, (the resident missionary) and us. We learned so much from Ellen, this was the purpose of the trip, to shadow a missionary and see if God would want us to ever be missionaries. She is truly a servant of God and has a great heart for the people of Albania. And they have a great love for her too.
Vjola and me
Bledi & Brian
Brian with our favorite drink in the entire world that we can only find in Albania, Fanta Exotic. Man I miss that stuff.

After the snacks we went out again with some of the youth to the same music club that plays 90's American songs. It was fun to be spending more time with them again, we are really going to miss them, though we kinda started feeling old in the idea of partying every weekend. But hanging out with our friends would make it worth it.

Vjola, Ridi & me

We had an amazing time in Albania. We didn't know going there that they were looking for a young couple to come and work with the youth. As we were leaving, we were asked to consider coming there to work with the youth. There is a lot to take into consideration about this decision, we have always wanted to do mission work, but we weren't thinking of it being right now. We have just recently moved to Granbury and settled into our new house. We both have great jobs and are knee deep in fertility treatments. But we keep telling ourselves we are not going to be a couple of Jonahs. If things keep falling into place, we cannot ignore God and will just trust that this is the right decision. Please pray for us as this is a huge decision and we are going to go ahead and finish with treatments this month and next. It will definitley be a summer for God to move in and we hope that at the end we will have a clear picture for what God wants from us.

We're back!

2009-06-13T09:59:00.003-05:00

It's completely hard to believe that we're back after a month. In some ways it feels like we've been gone forever, in others, it feels like we just left. I only got to check my email twice in the last 3 weeks of the trip, which was AWESOME by the way! It felt great to not be super connected for a while! The rest of Albania was incredible, a life changing experience. And then the 2 weeks with just my hubby in Italy and Spain were amazing, we are so blessed. Yesterday our flight got cancelled because of the storms in Dallas, and we almost thought we weren't going to make it home. But we were rerouted through Chicago and finally made it home at 2 am.
So, until I can get the energy to go through our pictures and give a more detailed description of the trip, here's a picture of us at the Italian Riviera, Vernazza, in the Cinque Terra. Otherwise known as Heaven on Earth.

Albania #2

2009-05-23T13:57:00.003-05:00

I can't believe that we have been in Albania for a week. In some ways it feels like we just got here. I can't believe a week has gone by and I haven't had time to even get on the internet! In other ways, it feels like we've been here for years. At first, it was uncomfortable getting used to being in another country. But now we love it here, even though our Albanian is abysmal!
This week has been busy, full of exploring, Bible studies with English students, VBS, church services & activities galore. And lots of cappuccino! :)
Tuesday we went exploring around Tirana by ourselves. We didn't take a local with us, so we of course got lost. We went in search of the lake and ended up walking to the big mountain right out of town...whew! We hiked up to where there was a cable car and took the cable car up to the top of Mount Didte (sp?!). It was very beautiful, though of course I was terrified of the cable car breaking and me falling to my glorious death in Albania. But of course, I lived to tell the tale and show you the beautiful view...

We have had several students coming in for the World English Classes. We each have had five per day and most of them are students at the University. It is very interesting talking with these 20-somethings that claim to be either Muslim or Christian, but really have no idea what that label means. We have spent most of our time talking about how believing in something requires knowing what you stand for and having that foundation makes it easier to make the right decision when the time comes. We really enjoy each of our students and really have tried to set the right example of faith for them.
Eriselda & me (one of my readers that I adore!)

During the gospel meeting this week, Brian and I have held a children's class that I put together before we came. The stories have been centered around Jesus's life. We also taught them some silly songs in English that they loved. But what they really seemed to love were the crafts. They made sheep, crowns with jewels and tambourines to celebrate the joy of the Lord.

Brian is here helping little Sonja that I think didn't say a word the entire time. Our ages ranged from 5 years old to 11. We were so blessed to have Sadete and Irisa translate for us and they were excited to make the crafts as well!

Little Daniel, 6 years old, his parents are hugely involved in the church leadership. They won a visa lottery to go to the States and will be moving to Tennessee next month. It will be a blessing for this family, but will be a loss for this church.

Yesterday was Brian's birthday and the last night of the Gospel meeting. Some of the youth took us out after the meeting was over and we sang Happy Birthday to Brian (29! Sheesh!). We went to a Bar/Kafe for drinks and talked. Then we went to a music club and listened to a live cover band that sang mostly American music. They did sing some songs that were popular in the 90s after the Revolution and the Dictator was thrown out. It was super fun, though we had no voice this morning after yelling most of the night over the cover band. The people at this church are so amazing. We are really growing to love them and have so much fun with them.
Me, Vjola, Ridi, Carla last night

This morning we went with the church to the park for a grill out. It was awesome! We ate ALL day, grilled veal chops, sausage, grilled vegetables with olive oil and salt. YUMMMM!!!
After we ate and talked for a while we played volleyball (which I of course rocked at...Ha, not really). And we played some silly relay games. We also sang some songs, I love hearing them sing some of my favorite songs in Albanian, it's such a pretty language. We also played an Albanian form of Charades, which was full of abstract thoughts and random concepts, like AMBUSH, that were practically impossible to act out. But it was still a lot of fun.
Good Gracious Grillmaster Arion

Flori napping on a Futbol

Brian trying to act out "impression", they really got a kick out of that!

Tomorrow Brian is teaching Bible class, then church and then we are going to Durres, a beach town 30 minutes away with some of the youth. We are looking forward to getting out of the city and seeing some of the countryside of Albania, what we've seen so far is beautiful. Thanks for checking up on us. I love the emails, texts and blog comments. They have encouraged me and encouraged Brian so much.

Albania #1

2009-05-17T16:48:00.003-05:00

We've arrived! Even though I messed up on the timing of getting us to the airport, all of our flights went so smooth. We had plenty of time between flights in London and though we didn't get much sleep, we arrived here in Tirana last night about 8:00 pm, noon Texas time.

Here is a picture of Brian with his ferrari that he left in the London Gatwick airport for other people to take picture with. :)

Church service this morning was wonderful. The church is made up primarily of young people, about our age. Some are married, some are single. Brian got to preach today and he did a wonderful job. One of the church leaders was translating for Brian and when he introduced us, he remarked in Albanian that hopefully this will work out because they are needing a young couple to come and work with the youth of the congregation. Good for Brian, he didn't understand what he was saying, so he just kept trucking along with his sermon!

All of the people are super nice and very welcoming. We went to lunch with Ellen, the missionary here, and a young couple who the husband is one of the church leaders. He picked us up from the airport last night and we found out that he had gone to undergrad with Brian at Harding for the year that Brian was there. He was a couple of years ahead of Brian, so they never met, but it's funny what a small world this is. His name is Sokhol, his wife Stella and him have a one year old daughter named Delisa who is super hyper and hilarious to be around. It was good to get to visit with them today.
We ended up taking a two hour nap, which could be why I'm writing this at midnite...then went back to church for evening services. The church put on a national youth day for the Church of Christ youth in Albania yesterday and had worked endlessly on an hour long play performance. They did an encore performance after church for those of us who hadn't seen it yet. It was outstanding. The talent that the youth have of this congregation is amazing and it has really been inspirational to be around it.
Picture of the play:

After the performance, we went out with another young couple, Erna and her boyfriend Romeo. They took us walking and for ice cream, we just got back a little while ago. They are a sweet young couple who are starting their professional careers. Romeo is looking for more information about the Lord and I'm excited to see a relationship blossom between him and Brian, as I think Brian will be a good influence for him. Romeo seems very cerebral, asking lots of questions, which is right up my husband's alley!
The country of Albania is made up of a lot of young people as a result of the tumultuous history of the country. Sokhol, Stella, Erna and Romeo explained a lot of the history of Albania and how that has affected it today. It is amazing to me that in my & their lifetime, they were living in a country where it was forbidden to worship under ANY religion until about 10 years ago. I think about how that has affected the people of this country and wonder if maybe that is why there are so many young people our age that make up the church. What they searched for most of their lives is finally available to them and they can't get enough of it, it seems. I feel very blessed to live in a country that has a freedom of religion, so I can practice my faith and live it out loud.
Please continue to pray for our work here. We're not sure about what the rest of our time here will hold. We will probably participate in Bible studies, we are holding Vacation Bible school during a Gospel meeting and having a few other parties & meetings while we are here. Our main priority on this trip is to visit with the missionary and really get a feel for if this is something that Brian and I would like to do someday. It has really been incredible to be here with my husband, I love seeing him serve the Lord, and especially get to do it together.
Tomorrow we are moving into our apartment for the rest of our stay. But Ellen offered her computer to us when we need it, so hopefully every few days or so I can check back in and offer a few more pictures of our time here!
Now it's time for bed. Night night!

Leaving Today

2009-05-15T13:45:00.002-05:00

Well, all our bags are packed. The bills are paid. The laundry is done and the rabbits are with their new owner. All that's left is a shower and then off to the airport.
We are flying from DFW to London tonight at 7:30. We will finally arrive in Albania at 7:45 tomorrow evening, which will technically be 11:45 am Texas time.
I've got my VBS planned, all the supplies bought. Brian has his sermon stuff and class stuff printed out to look at on the plane. He is preaching Sunday morning right after we get there, then comes English classes, VBS, a youth class, a gospel meeting and Brian teaching Wednesday night church. When we are not working we hope to visit with children at an orphanage near by, playing with them and loving on them.
After two weeks in Albania, we will be vacationing for a week in Italy, then a week in Spain. Then be headed back across the pond on June 12th. We would appreciate your thoughts and prayers as we make this trip, for our safety and for us to reach some lives and shine Christ's love to the people of Albania.
Today also marks another month of treatment that hasn't worked. We will be taking this month off while we are traveling, then if we are still not pregnant when we come back, we will begin the lovely adventure of IUI. So, also please pray that we are able to get pregnant on our own this month with little baby Italia or Granada! :)
Hopefully I will be able to blog a bit while we're gone. We aren't taking our laptop because we are actually carrying on our backpacks the entire time. That's right girls, I packed a months' worth of clothes (really just 6 shirts, jeans, 3 pairs of shorts, swimsuit, running clothes) in a backpack! Whew! But usually I've been able to get on the internet at least once a week while we're there.
Thank you for all of your prayers and thoughts while we are gone and please check back frequently for any stories from the trip!!

What a week.

2009-05-06T13:25:00.002-05:00

I could just end the post there, but that would leave what 2 readers I have left wondering what I was talking about! This has been one of the busiest times I've had in a while. After the miscarriage, Brian and I kind of secluded ourselves from the outside world for a while. Well, here we are world! I think we've finally gotten our lives back into a sense of normalcy after the miscarriage, work changing, moving, etc. of this past year.

I've been trying really hard to keep caught up at work, since we are leaving next Friday, my last day in the district is next week, so I have to make sure all my students are up on their counseling minutes before I jet out. I've also had some new clients with my business, though I've had to turn down four calls in the last week because we are going out of the country for a month next Friday!

Have I not mentioned that? Oh yeah, Brian and I are leaving in 9 days for a month! We are spending two weeks with a missionary in Albania, and then vacationing for a week in Italy and a week in Spain. We are really excited about it, though we've kind of been trying to prepare ourselves for world-shut down pandemic with this swine flu business. But it looks like we are still going to go, swine flu or not! :) Last year was our 5th anniversary, but we didn't really do anything for it. I had just started treatment, was going a little cuckoo and we were just not in a good place. So we decided to make up for it by our trip this year! Please pray for our work in Albania, safe travel and healthy planes full of people, trains full of people, subways full of people, buses full of people, basically healthy Tindells!

This past week has also been very hard. Saturday, the 2nd, was not only my sweet Daddy's 52nd birthday, but also the due date of our baby we lost September 11th. I've been trying to focus on the positives, my body is responding to treatment, we are going on a great trip, but it has been hard dealing with the thought that I could have been bringing my sweet baby home this week. I'm not sure if there will ever be a year go by that I don't think about that. I decided to go to San Antonio this past weekend to visit my family because Brian went canoeing with a bunch of guys from church. I am so glad I did. I am so blessed with my family who were nothing but positive about my situation, loving towards the loss of my baby, and encouraging, hoping for a pregnancy with multiples. They took my mind off of sad things and put it on joyful things and I love them so much for that.

But it has also been a double blow because like every year around this time, Mother's day is here. I'm so thankful for my mother, motherinlove, grandmothers, aunts, friends that are mothers, etc. You have all taught me how to be a better person by just being around you. But this day is hard for us women whose empty arms are yearning to be filled. I know that day will come and it is all in God's timing (ugh), but that doesn't make this or any Mother's Day any easier. Mothers, I celebrate your joy at the love your children have for you and the blessing you are for them. But please don't forget us "empty-armed" ones this weekend, and be that much more thankful for the beautiful family that you have been blessed with.

Rachel and I talked about if we are going to do anything for our babies this weekend. Last year we merely hid out from Mothers Day in a cabin in the woods. But this year, we don't really feel right about denying that it is happening, since in our own way, we are mothers. We are thinking of ideas of how to celebrate our blessing of being able to carry our sweet ones, even if it was for a few short weeks.

Thank you for still checking in on me, even though I haven't posted as much as I used to. Your prayers and thoughts help encourage me to continue on.

Here is a link to song that one of my sweet friends from Hannah group, Sheila, sent to us. It is a chilling reminder of how infertility affects so many people in so many different ways and a prayer for the hope that all of us have, to one day hold our babies.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JqfGqOx2iDQ

Career Day!

2009-04-24T21:23:00.003-05:00

Brian and I got the chance to speak at a Career Day at Rachel's elementary, Western Hills today. It was soo fun!! My kids didn't seem to care much that I was a play therapist, they just wanted to know when they were going to get to play with the toys that I brought. Brian, on the other hand, was a huge hit! Of course, because he's got such a sweet job...but he really got into it. He brought a contamination suit and hood for the kids to try on, he "contaminated" them with laundry detergent, then used a blacklight to show the radiation. He said the kids had a blast. They thought it was hilarious that radiation pops our popcorn and Brian doesn't in fact glow green because of the radiation. Brian even inherited a super hero name from one of the little girls, "The Nuculator", when she was talking about the equipment at the plant. He started laughing and said he wants a cape now with a big N and little atoms flying around it.
Everyone was telling us how cool they thought our jobs were and how excited they were to have us there. We thought that was really funny, because even though I love my job, I've never actually thought about others thinking it was cool. And it was fun seeing all the kids really getting into Brian's job, nuclear power is super cool.
Today was a great day, it made me that much more grateful that in these times, my husband and I both have jobs and that we have jobs we love!
Thanks Rachel! What a great day! :)

Redeeming Love

2009-04-05T20:55:00.002-05:00

I am reading a book right now called Redeeming Love, by Francine Rivers. It is a Christian fiction novel a sweet friend recommended to me, that is based on the book of Hosea. I recommend that if you have not read this book, you must get it and read it.

If you are not familiar with the book of Hosea, it is about a prophet that the Lord said to make a prostitute his wife. This prostitute left him over and over again, and the Lord told Hosea to go after her and bring her back, over and over again.

It was a love story to the Lord's people, written for them to see that even after the Israelites left God Almighty for idols and other nations, he would still pursue them and bring them back.
In Redeeming Love, not only is Michael Hosea and Angel the prostitute the main characters, but they also share the stage with two voices. The voice in bold letters is the voice of Satan, the voice in italics is the tender voice of God. Both are working overtime in these two characters' lives to bring about the conclusion that each is aspiring to. And it is chilling how Satan's voice is heard more often than the voice of God. But when the Lord speaks, it is quiet and still, reminding Michael to love her as God loves him, calling him beloved, and urging him to calm His lamb.

We've talked a lot lately about hearing the voice of God. Brian was surprised to hear that I have heard God's voice in my life more than once. I don't think I've always heard it though, I really think I've only identified it this last year with the searching, praying and growing I've been forced to do. God has spoken to me constantly over the encouraging and uplifting comments that I've received over this blog, through hugs and support given by so many, through His creation that he stuns me with at certain times, and even through gifts of songs on a wayward radio station in the middle of nowhere that disappears right after that specific song is finished.

I have one fear about God's voice. It is that I will confuse it for that of another voice, that sometimes tells me what I want to hear, other times fills my head with doubt, fear and anger.
I just pray that, like Angel, God will deliver me. That I will be able to differentiate the italic from the bold words. At that time, He will come for me, throw me on the back of his horse and ride me out of the filthy, dirty sin that clings to me like mud in a rainstorm.

I received this verse from my sweet friend, Debbie, at Hannah group Tuesday night. It seemed fitting for this message:
Proverbs 3:5-12
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don't try to figure out everything on your own.
Listen for God's voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he's the one who will keep you on track.
Don't assume you know it all.
Run to God! Run from evil!
Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life!
Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best.
Your barn will burst, your wine vats will brim over.

Happy First Day of Spring!!

2009-03-20T19:31:00.003-05:00

I totally forgot until I heard on the radio this morning that it is the 1st day of Spring!! I totally love this time of year & I had the most wonderful run this morning to celebrate today. It was a beautiful morning, cool with a great breeze. It made me so happy to be outside. I hope that you can get outside this weekend and enjoy the fresh beauty that is SPRING!!

And up we go...

2009-03-19T17:24:00.004-05:00

Welcome to the Amy Magical Fun Ride! This week has been a much better week. Not only because it's been Spring Break, but physically it's just been a better week. I came to the conclusion that my mental health is completely connected to my physical health. Which, as a therapist, I already had an understanding of to some extent, but had never practiced with a case study so intimately...

I'm a control freak in a lot of ways and not being in control of my emotions has really driven me (pardon the phrase), CRAZY this last year. I've really tried taking a dose of my own medicine and started keeping track of my fluctuating feelings, identifying triggers and really preventing public breakdowns by letting myself stay home and recharge. I've always been an extrovert, (someone who gains energy from being around other people) but the last year or so I've changed a lot. I blame some of that on Brian, who has since marriage became more extroverted from his previous introverted (gaining energy from being alone) personality. He's stealing my identity. Good for him.

But I also attribute it to maturity and a natural reaction to the life events I've experienced in the last two years. I do not think being introverted is a bad thing, and I've actually begun to enjoy it. My favorite things to do now are curl up in my big yellow chair with a book, strap on my Iphone and go running (alone) to my awesome playlist of my all time favorite music, shopping for things for the house (alone), I'm sensing a pattern here. Don't get me wrong, I'm still all about hanging out, throwing righteous parties and going out on the town. (Having a Twilight party next weekend for anyone who's interested!! ) I just feel a little more balanced when I get some alone time too.

All this to say, I guess I've learned a lot about myself throughout this experience. I'm trying to get used to the emotional swings that comes from my medicine and the glorious experience that is infertility. And I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, all the while letting myself grieve if I need to. This post is a little scattered, but I guess it's mostly meant to let you know I'm ok, just doing the best I can as I click back up the coaster.

I haven't posted pictures in a while, so here's a couple from the Cowtown. We're running in the Granbury 5k Saturday and I'm really excited that Heather, a fellow run-hating/run-loving buddy will be running with me!

Brian pretending like he's working hard. He ran with me the whole way!
Around mile 2, still smiling!
Before the race started, OMG so cold.
After we ran, still smiling!! :)

And here's some pics of Lewis and one of our new bunnies, Hoppie. We realized Hoppie might have dislocated his shoulder, so we put him on the grass to walk around thinking we may need to put him down if he's in a lot of pain. And then he did the stinkin cutest thing ever and started posing with Lewis. Bad news is, 5 of the 7 (Hoppie not included) new bunnies got out the other night and have gone AWOL. I'm just hoping they've run into the trees and have found new bunny friends to hang out with. So before my bleeding heart breaks, here's some adorable pics to put you in a better mood...

Keep it together

2009-03-13T21:38:00.003-05:00

I haven't really been in the mood lately to post anything. Not because there has been nothing significant going on, I just haven't really been in the mood to deal with it. I haven't been writing in my journal, I've hardly talked to anyone about it and I've finally been slammed with it this week.

I feel like I'm starting to understand some things about myself. We're reading a book by John & Stasi Eldridge in our Friday morning Bible study called Captivating. It is all about healing from past and present wounds and allowing God to romance you. I've started thinking a lot about my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood. I've been incredibly blessed by loving parents, a great family and a truly blessed life. But I've started to realize that my whole life, I've felt like my job was try to keep it together. To be the responsible one, the one that could be depended upon.

And I think this affects me in my adulthood as well. In a lot of ways, I think I chose my profession because I can keep it together, and I've kind of always been the one that people go to talk about their problems to, it started when I was just a little girl. These last couple of months it feels like I've just been tossed around by Satan. I haven't talked to anyone but Brian about it because I don't like to feel weak and I try to give the impression that everything is okay, that I'm strong and I can take it. This week it culminated with the start of another cycle and I just really couldn't pretend anymore.

So, I confessed it to Brian on Wednesday night, I confessed it to my girls in Bible study today and I'm confessing it now. I'm scared. I'm tired and I'm scared. I'm tired of counting cycles and taking hormone treatments that make me feel horrible and aren't giving me any desired result. It's been almost a year since I first started Clomid the first time, and my body has been on a roller coaster ride ever since. Every 14 days I'm either climbing a hill of anticipation and excitement, or slamming myself down almost to the ground with disappointment at another failed round. I'm also scared. My doctor wants me to try IUI this cycle and is doubling my Clomid. I'm scared because I'm not sure how my body will react to this double dose. We're also not sure if starting IUI is the right time right now, since it is about $600 a pop, non-insurance covered, of course. I'm not sure if I'm ready to start shelling out the dough, while trying to keep the faith that it will not turn out like the rest of my treatment has. I'm scared because I feel like we're almost to the end of treatment and what happens next?

The fear of the unknown combined with the exhaustion (physical and mental) that I feel right now is crashing down on me. I know some of you are saying, "But I thought you were doing so well. You said you are just going to wait on God's timing." And I feel like I am doing well. I feel like I can still be proud of myself that I'm not completely falling apart or giving up, that I can still feel God's hand on my back holding me up. But I also am not going to pretend that this is not the absolute hardest experience of my entire life.
In my despair Wednesday night, I pulled out the Bible, praying that I could find something to give me comfort. And as usual, God provides.

Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me, and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh the joys of those who trust in the Lord, who have no confidence in the proud or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds, I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand, you don't require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, "Look, I have come. As is written about me in Scripture,
I take joy in doing your will, my God, for your instructions are written on my heart."
I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news hidden in my heart; I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the assembly of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Lord, don't hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me, too many to count!
My sins pile up so high, I can't see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly Lord to help me.
May those who try to destroy me be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who delight in my trouble be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame, for they said, "Aha! We've got her now!"
But may all who search for you be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation repeatedly shout, "The Lord is great!"
As for me, since I am poor and needy, let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

I will not stop speaking about what God is doing in me and for me. And while I am never going to be feeling great about infertility, and I may never say, "Gee, God. That was really great. Thanks for letting me go through that!", I can still praise him for his unfailing love and faithfulness. He has blessed me with the most amazing family and the greatest friends who have decided to each take a day and pray for us over these next two weeks. I don't think I've ever had that done for me in my entire life. I know I am blessed and I thank God for the work he has done in me.

I understand that I don't have to "keep it together". Why should I? I have a God who's really been the one who's kept me together all along. Now, I just beg that God keep me in his thoughts, that he continue to rescue me and not hold back his tender mercies from me. Please God, don't delay.

M.I.A.

2009-02-23T18:15:00.002-06:00

I know I've been missing in action these last few weeks. I'm sure I have about 2 readers left, probably both of them my parents...

Things have been so crazy here these last few weeks. I started work in Granbury for the school district. The work has been much greater than I anticipated and I've already had to add a 1/2 day to my already 2 day schedule to get the work finished. My parents, grandmother, uncle, girlfriend and new baby all came to visit a couple of weeks ago. I love it when my parents come into town and I loved it even more that my Nanny got to come and I got to hold and hang out with my sweet precious new cousin, Tressie.

Brian's grandad has been very sick and in the hospital for the last couple of weeks as well. They finally figured out what was wrong with him. After treating him for heartburn, gallbladder and stomach issues, it was a hernia behind his heart. After a six hour surgery, he has been able to come home and is resting. I've talked with him a lot and he seems to be doing so much better, though the recovery is still going to be tough.

I've started my second month of Clomid. Today I had an appointment with the doctor and it looks like the Clomid did it's job this month. And they are adding a shot of HCG tomorrow to induce ovulation. I totally love my new doctor and her nurses. They are considerate and sensitive. I feel so blessed to be under their care.

I've also started training for the Cowtown 5k. I run every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, then swim at the Y Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday. It has been so pretty lately, I've enjoyed being out in the sun and the warm weather with my dogs and my hubby. It has also been such a blessing to get to do this with Brian. I'm super nervous about Saturday, but I know, even if I walk the whole thing, I can do it.

I appreciate all of you who still check periodically to see if anything is up with the Tindells! I'll keep you posted on how my run goes on Saturday..aaagghhh!!!

Adoption Watch 2009

2009-02-01T22:27:00.001-06:00

Thursday night I received a call from the adoption counselor of our birth mother. She said that earlier this week, she went into labor and had the baby. She did not however, give the baby to the other family who was interested. The mother ended up giving the baby to a friend of hers. So, that's the end to this exhausting process. Brian and I feel okay about the outcome, though we are just praying God's grace over this little baby and the life that he/she will lead, the family that he/she will have and for protection over her. Thank you so much for all of your thoughts and prayers throughout this whole month. We are so blessed to have such wonderful friends and family. Please also continue to pray for us, as we are almost through our first month of treatment.

First Kiss Day!

2009-01-27T15:22:00.006-06:00

Today is a very special day for two reasons:

#1: Today is my sweet friend Rebecca's birthday! Bec is a super sweet, strong, loving, thoughtful woman who is one of the greatest friends I've ever had. I love you Bec and I hope you have a wonderful day!!
Here's some old school pics of me and Rebecca from college days (I pulled them off my scrapbook, sorry if it's ghetto)....

#2: Today is also a special day, because it is our 9th anniversary of when we started "couplehood". We were friends and "friend-dated" for several months before we made it official. So we always counted our anniversary from the day of our first kiss.
On January 27, 2000, Brian and I were students at Oklahoma Christian University. It had snowed several feet and for the first time ever in school history, they canceled classes. Not because the students couldn't get to class (everyone lived on campus), but because the professors couldn't get there! So Brian and I spent the entire day hanging out with our friends, playing in the snow, and spending some "alone time". Our first kiss was at the duck pond on campus where we usually took lunches and had picnics. It was a really great day, and I am so happy to have spent the last 9 years kissing my man, and can't wait to spend my lifetime kissing him too!
So, now I'm gonna kick it old school and bring out some righteous pics of yours truly and the love of her life!!

Gamma Spring Banquet 2000
First Kiss Day 2000
The first time we won the costume contest...
Homecoming 2000
Gamma Fall Banquet 2000
Spring Sing 2001
Spring Sing 2002
Spring Break trip to San Antonio, 2002
Kansas concert 2002
Gamma Spring Banquet 2003
Winter 2000
Winter 2000
Christmas 1999, Arbuckle Mountains

My painting

2009-01-16T16:21:00.003-06:00

I've been wanting to paint something for our bathroom for a long time. And for those who know me, craftiness skipped me. Not so talented in the art department. But, I decided to copy Mindy and add a few extra touches. So, I did some painting/decopaging and here's the finished product! Not sure if it will stay on this wall, it feels a little small, but we shall see.

Adoption Update

2009-01-15T19:43:00.002-06:00

This has been one of the longest, most amazing weeks I've had in quite a while. Everyday we've talked with our adoption attorney, the birth mother's counselor, and some of our closest family and friends, seeking guidance and prayer for what we should do. After praying and talking last night, we have decided to back away from the adoption. We have not been able to get much information at all about the birth parents and the medical history of this child. There is also another family that is very interested in this child and we feel very strongly that while we don't know everything about their situation, we still feel very strongly that we still have hope of getting pregnant on our own, this may be their only option. We did discuss with the counselor that if this family decides that this baby is not their baby, to contact us. We do not want this baby to go into the system, though the likelihood of her getting adopted is high. We do feel that if we get a call to come to the hospital, we will go, knowing full well it might as well be God calling for us to come get our firstborn.
It has been a difficult week of quickly trying to seek out God's will for this situation, and while we are still waiting on the final outcome, and haven't totally ruled out the adoption of this child, we feel that God has been leading us to this decision and feel at peace at letting this other family have the first choice for this baby.
Thank you for all of your prayers, I'm starting my treatments again this week, so hopefully there will be a baby Tindell on the horizon soon!

Surreal

2009-01-08T19:10:00.002-06:00

I wasn't planning on talking publicly about this just yet, but now I feel like I can take advantage of the situation to let my super faithful prayer warriors start their engines. We have been given the immense blessing of an opportunity to explore a private adoption of a baby due at the end of this month.
You know, just when you are giving speeches about how you are going to lay back, "Let go, and Let God", you get a mouthful of "Hey, I didn't see that coming!".
While we are incredibly excited about the potential blessing this will bring for us, our family and our friends, we are not entering into this process lightly. We always knew adoption was on the horizon for us, we just never anticipated it happening now. Trust me when I say that we are taking this process step by step, trying to listen for the voice of God with every inch.
It will be a long process that will cover a short amount of time, so I will probably not go into it much on here, at least right now. For this time, we are asking you all to approach the throne-room for us and ask solely for the will of God to be made known in this situation. And that you will rejoice with us when we bring our child home, whether that is in less than a month, or when God decides it is time.
I can't thank each and every one of you enough for your constant love and support you've shown Brian and me through this entire process, you are truly God's gift.

A December In Pictures

2009-01-05T19:45:00.011-06:00

Here's our December in pictures...

I don't have as many pictures from North Carolina as I wanted to get. But one of the days that we were there, Mom and Dad took us to the Biltmore house, in Asheville, NC. It was amazing, not just because of the sheer enormity of the house, but also because of the beautiful Christmas decorations it was decked out with!!

This is us after the Biltmore, eating our fancy Biltmore desserts, at the nicest McDonalds I've ever seen!

December was also fun because I became a grandmother!! Ha! Here's some pictures of our bunnies, they're even cuter now!!

Lewis really loves the bunnies, gives them kisses constantly!

We went to San Antonio for Christmas for the week. We got to visit with all of our family and get to see my parents again!!
The now-annual Gingerbread house construction.

The six of us took some time and went down to the Riverwalk to do some shopping and eating. We ate at Casa Rio, a really old Mexican food restaurant on the river and enjoyed the Christmas lights.

Let me take a moment to explain what is wrong with Brian's face. Every year at Christmas, to get a laugh from my family, tick me off, not sure why...but Brian shaves his massive and impressive facial hair into some ridonkulous style. Last year was the handlebars. This year, I don't know what happened, he did kind of handlebar mustache, with hooks for sideburns. It was...Harry Holiday

Christmas Eve: You can see only a small part of the madness. Over 40 of us pack into my Nanny's living room and open up presents, have a wrapping paper fight and start cooking the meal for the big day. It was harder for me than I ever expected. This is the third Christmas I've been trying for a child, but the first Christmas out of those 3 that I have doubts to whether or not I will have one by next Christmas. To say one thing about my family, I am so blessed. Not everyone acknowledged how I was feeling outright, but the hugs, the talks, how considerate everyone was for me, I will be eternally grateful for the family God blessed me with.

Christmas Day

I love Aunt Jo!
Harry Holiday and Brianna
James and me

The day after Christmas, most of us met up again for more Mexican food!! Yum! After a couple of other options that could not seat 35 in less than 2 hours, we fell into La Fogata. It was so much fun, we always draw some attention when we all go out somewhere together. But it is one of the things I am most proud of to do. I think it is amazing that there are so many of us and we are all close and make family a priority. I know it means a lot to my grandparents when we are all together, it happens so rarely!!
O.M.G. Brian
My Nanny and Popo are so cute!
My cousins Cyndi and Melissa!!
One pic of the table, you can't really see everyone, some didn't even make it into the picture and about 10 were missing from dinner that night. That gives you an idea of how many of us are there, and how much attention we can draw...

Saturday after Christmas we left and headed home, to take a quick nap and some showers, then pack into the car and head to Joe T Garcias for more Mexican food (yum) and fun night with our best friends. Grant it, we didn't take our coats off all night, because we ate on the patio at Joe Ts, sat outside at Flying Saucer and were outside walking around downtown Ft. Worth. But hey, that's what's great about Texas, right? It may be cold, but not too cold to still have some patio time, right?!

Last week passed in a blur, such a blur, I didn't even have time to whip out my camera!! Brian's brother, Alex came into town, we went to a New Year's party with some friends in Granbury, then went to Brian's mom, (Kaye's) house to shoot fireworks. We spent New Years Day together eating and watching TV. Kaye and I went to Canton, Friday, where I proceeded to get sick with a 24 hour stomach flu. But by Saturday night, I was all better for Mindy and Brandon to come over and have one of our infamous porch nights.

So, if anyone made it all the way to here, thanks! Hope that you enjoyed our December in Pictures!!

Goodbye my friend,

2009-01-01T19:43:00.003-06:00

Happy New Year Everyone!!

I hope you've had a wonderful holiday season. Ours has been super busy, and I've just learned how to download pictures off of my camera onto our new computer, so I will be posting pics from these last couple of weeks soon.

The start of a new year always brings about the feeling of hope, anticipation, a new beginning. People all over the world join together to mourn the passing of time, and rejoice in the fresh start that comes with a new year. We make resolutions to read more, learn a new language, lose weight, call more, with all of the confidence we had last year when we might have made similar resolutions. The ringing in of a new year allows for a time of introspection in how we did last year, and how we hope to do now. Some of us have had a better year than others, some of us look at 2008 and shudder, counting down the seconds until the clock rings Midnight.

Tonight I want to share a few thoughts about my friend, 2008. It hasn't been completely bad. I am so thankful for our beautiful new house, our wonderful new church, our loving new friends that we have such a blast with. I'm thankful for our opportunity to go to Disney World, North Carolina to visit my parents, South Padre and numerous trips to San Antonio, Austin and Memphis to see our family and friends. I'm especially thankful for the wonders that I've seen God working in my life this year, the countless blessings I've received and the strength that our marriage has experienced.

With as much happiness as I feel at the beginning of a new year, I am also scared to see my friend go. 2008 was hard for so many reasons, wrought with disappointment, heartache, frustration. But I also experienced more personal growth this year than any other. God has blessed me my whole life, but I feel that this year, above any other, He has met me, held me and guided me in the direction He has planned for right now. To be honest, I'm scared of what this year might hold for me, not knowing if I will be taken any lower, or if this year might be the year that I would actually receive my heart's desire. As I was driving to Brian's mom's tonight, I was listening to the song that inspired the title of this blog. A renewed hope was instilled in me, and I immediately started crying. I'm not sure what this year will hold. 2008 was sure full of surprises and hurts. And I know 2009 could quite possibly contain similar experiences.

God laid in my heart tonight a peace that He is working mightily in me at this moment. He did not promise me my heart's desire, but He did promise me that He will continue to cradle my heart and hold me through the hard times, just as He has the whole time. As Mindy put it Saturday night, when she, Rebecca and I were talking about how Granbury called and offered me a job not even 2 weeks after losing my job in Grand Prairie, "God has some serious plans for you Tindell". And while I've always known that's true, it has never seemed as real to me as it does now.

So, it's 2009. Really, nothing has changed. It will take me until March to remember to write 09 instead of 08 on everything. It will be 12 more months of waiting and counting and planning fertility cycles. But I have resolved this year above all, that I will have no other false gods (including my inability to conceive), above my one true God. I refuse to let myself stay sad, angry or frustrated, but will make a conscious effort to set my eyes on my Heavenly Father who will turn my mourning into dancing, I will not give Satan a foothold to steal my joy.

And the God of all grace, who called you to His eternal glory in Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will Himself restore you and make you strong; firm, and steadfast. To Him be the power forever and ever. Amen.

I Peter 5:10-11

Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is my strength.

Nehemiah 8:10

Content

2008-12-21T17:27:00.003-06:00

Our blessed dogs woke me up at 7:30 this morning. Usually we're up by then for early service at church, but this morning, our church combined services for a Christmas service. We also didn't have class, so Brian and I were really looking forward to sleeping late. But alas, the blessed dogs woke me up at 7:30 this morning.

After letting them outside with temps at 23 degrees, I crawled back in bed. By this time, Brian was awake, but after both dogs decided they needed to climb into bed with us, we made an executive decision that we were NOT going to wake up yet. We still had about 2 good hours worth of sleep.

So with Brian in the middle of the bed, me on his left and both dogs on his right, we had a Tindell family snuggle. Brian and the dogs tried to fall asleep, but I couldn't. Partly because I'm my father's child. Once I'm awake, I'm awake. But also because I was enjoying myself. For two hours I just laid there petting my dogs and getting my back scratched by my hubby. And I felt completely content.

Sure, I would have loved to have a baby or two up there with us, but the thought of that nagged me for a milisecond and then I went back to feeling completely content again. It was such a blessed way to start my day, I couldn't help but think of it and thank God for it as all 700 of us worshiped this morning in our church gym. What a great way to start this awesome week of eating, laughing, sharing and thanking God for his most precious gift of all!!

Oh. Man. Thankful List #7

2008-12-18T18:57:00.004-06:00

Today was quite the day. W.H.E.W.
First, I worked my next to the last day in Grand Prairie. Even though I'm really looking forward to working 45 minutes closer to where I live, the day was bittersweet. I wrapped up my time with my kids from one of my campuses this afternoon. A couple of them I've had since I started in the district. It was really sweet because one of them kept adding more pieces to the checkerboard so the game could keep going, while another made me promise his new counselor would be as cool as me. So, for my first thing I'm thankful for this week:

1. My time in Grand Prairie. It hasn't always been great, but the one thing that I've loved is working with the kids, I will miss it.

After work, I went...gasp...Christmas shopping. Aside from slipping from my wet boot on the wet floor and falling on my left knee, which is now swollen the size of a grapefruit, it was a decent experience. I actually...gasp...finished my Christmas shopping!! Second thing I'm thankful for:

2. Close parking spaces at Borders, the Parks mall, Academy and Target, which totally decreased the amount of time it took for me to shop. I'm also thankful for my mom for instilling in me the need to make lists before I shop, it made shopping much easier. Though, Mindy would be distraught at how my list looks, lots of scratching out, rewriting and changed ideas.

3-5 of the Thankful list

3. My hubby, he's currently removing all of the files off of my GPISD laptop so I can turn it in tomorrow. 4 years worth of files, and I get to type my blog while it is done.

4. Lewis. So one of the rabbits had bunnies and they are super cute. Last night, Brian took one of them out and put it down so Lewis and Gracie could see it. Gracie, surprisingly didn't try to eat it. I think she was kind of freaked out by it because she just stood back. Lewis, on the other hand, went right up to it and gave it kisses. Then followed it around as it hopped all around the porch. So sweet.

5. The last week of 2008 is before me. It has by far, not been a banner year, though it's been good for lots of reasons: move to Granbury, start of my private practice, Disney world. All that being said, I'm pretty happy to see it go. Brian and I've already started making plans for 2009. We've decided that in 2009 we're going to get busy again. After spending an entire year taking care of ourselves, we're ready to get out there and start doing again. So far, we're looking into going on a mission trip to Mexico in the spring, going on a trip that my parents gave us before March, and possibly taking a couple of weeks to a month this summer to visit one of our missionaries and do some traveling. We don't want to just be sitting around waiting to get pregnant again. We feel like God was showing us in August that we will get pregnant when He decides it is time. So, until that time, we want to get busy. There's a lot of stuff we want to do, and we are tired of wasting time and not doing it. We could really use your prayers as we try to work through what we feel like God is telling us.

Thankful Thursday #6

2008-12-13T13:36:00.002-06:00

I know, it's Saturday. But I am at my parents' house in North Carolina, so there's a time difference, right?
This has been such an awesome week so far. This is the first time my sister and her husband and Brian and I have all been to visit at the same time. It has been so fun all of us living under the same roof. Mom's already getting a little sad because Manda's leaving tomorrow and we're leaving Tuesday. They've been looking forward to this for months and I know that however much it has been a blessing to me to be here, it has meant that much more to them.
So without further ado, here's my thankful list for this week:
1. The 60 degree temperature it was here after we got off the plane. When we boarded in DFW, it was 28 degrees outside. So far, except for some rain Thursday, it has been B-E-A-UTIFUL!!
2. My parents' cat Corky, Brian calls him a Zepplin, he's really fat, has a super tiny head and really long, skinny legs. But he's our Zepplin. He acts like a dog and when we all lived with Mom and Dad he terrorized Lewis. Lewis is still scared of the word Corky, to this day, even though he hasn't seen him in 3 years. Corky crawls into your lap, gets hair all over you, but loves to be pet and played with.
3. Watching my mom bake and cook. She has a certain way of doing things and she loves to teach us how to do stuff. And I'm on my 4th piece of rum cake since yesterday, so I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be loosing any weight this week.
4. My dad. He surprised me with a great thing yesterday. He recently acquired Skype and took us up to church. He then called UKRAINE and got ahold of one of my dear friends, Alonya. So, I was able to video chat with her and her sweet husband, she got to meet my husband and family. It was such a blessing. Daddy also put one of my posts from my blog into his bulletin article and tells everyone to read my blog. Although it is a little embarrassing, it is one of those things that gives me the confidence to write, express myself, and do anything because I know I have one of my biggest fans cheering me on.
5. Being with my family. Last night we watched some old home movies, played games, ate, and laughed, laughed, laughed. It has been the best time getting to hang out just the six of us and I've loved every second. I love my family and I'm so blessed that we were all able to be here together.

Thursday Thankfuls #5

2008-12-04T18:08:00.002-06:00

I can't believe it's already Thursday!! This week has been a whirlwind of crazy for the Tindells. I'm sitting here drowning in Camp COPE stuff, I've got 2 week old laundry in the washer & dryer, Seinfeld is on, the dogs keep licking me and pawing the laptop, dishwasher with leftover dishes needs to be run, I still haven't packed and I just want to go to sleep! If I wasn't leaving for North Carolina two days after I get back from Kansas, I would not feel as stressed out. I'm literally going to be gone almost 2 weeks! YIPES! But I couldn't let a Thursday go by without a thankful list! I'm on week 5 and its getting to be a little bit of a habit now, it really does work to take your mind off of anything rough in your life when you are busy being thankful and full of praise! I've been thinking about my list all day...

1. Brian bringing Taco Bueno home for dinner tonight so I don't have to create food out of nothing, because that is literally what I have left in my house.

2. Thursday Bible Study girls: Cami, Heather, Sara, Jami, Ginger, Alisha, Marsha, Penny, Susan...we had a great holiday brunch today and I totally love hanging out with you ladies. You've been such a great blessing for me feeling apart of things here in Granbury and I can't wait for our meetings to start back up again!

3. My washer & dryer. After putting off laundry for the last two weeks, I had to crawl over piles between our room and bathroom. But our awesome washer & dryer make it possible to get all of it done tonight! I can't even imagine what it would be like to not have one.

4. My work situation. Opportunities are being dropped into my lap and I know it is God's hand working in my life.

5. Christmas music on the radio. Not only is 94.9 (the Christian station) playing Christmas music, but so is 103.7 (a "worldly" station) playing songs celebrating Jesus's birth. So great!

It's Christmas Time!!

2008-12-02T17:51:00.003-06:00

Sick, sick, sick. That's what the last 8 days have been in the Tindell household. But have we let it get us down? No siree!! Friday Brian was awesome enough to help me drag down all of the Christmas decorations and by Saturday night, all of our Christmas decorations were up! Last year we didn't get to decorate since our house was on the market, so this year I'm loving it!
I'll probably get more after Christmas is over (when they're 80% off), so I can get crazy next year!
I'm actually not going to be in town too much this holiday season to enjoy the decorations, which is another reason why I didn't go all out. This weekend I'm traveling to Ft. Riley, Kansas for Camp Cope, a camp that teaches coping skills to children of deployed and/or injured military. It is such a blessing to work with this organization, I'll post more on it another time.
Then next week, Brian, Manda, Paul and I are all traveling to North Carolina to see my parents! I am so excited since this will be the first time all six of us will be out there together. It's going to be great! Then a few days after we get back is Christmas!!
This is my absolute favorite time of year. I love the music, even though its the same song, just redone by different artists over and over and over again. I love the cold air outside, the fire in the fireplace, all the cookies, cakes, peppermint mochas. I love shopping for everyone and I love spending time with my loved ones.
Most of all, it is so awesome that worldwide, people are remembering the birth of Jesus Christ. It is amazing that even though this holiday is extremely commercialized, and everyone is worried about the perfect gift, traveling and parties, we all still stop for one whole day to rejoice over the birth of the Savior of the World. I hope that you are able to take time this holiday season, amongst all the hustle and bustle, traffic and grouchy shoppers, to remember what's really important and that you get to enjoy and love on those closest to you!

Stockings Brian's mom made for us. I'll be adding more to the mantle. We didn't have a fireplace in our last house, so I'm new to mantle decorating. Any tips?!

The Tree and the puppies, they can hardly contain their holiday cheer.

Thursday Thankfuls #4-Thanksgiving Style!!

2008-11-27T13:18:00.003-06:00

So how cool is it that on my Thursday Thankful list, it also gets to be Thanksgiving! The day that people all over the country gather around tables and celebrate all of the blessings they have received!

Today, Brian's family gathered around my table, which was a special treat for me! I decided that since I'm hosting, I would cook the meal, Long Family style, just like my grandmother. Then Brian decided he wanted to roast a goose (random, I know, he's been talking about it for two years, he had to do it today!). So, all except goose, we had a San Antonio Thanksgiving! Everything turned out perfect, and we all ate too much! And to top it all off, the COWBOYS WON!! It is a good day! I hope that each and every one of you had a blessed holiday today, complete with good food, family and football! And so, without further ado, my Thanksgiving Day Thankful list.

1. Being sick. Brian and I both got really sick this weekend and have been feeling AWFUL all week. But the good part was that we got sick together! So we literally spent 5 straight days laying around and being together.

2. Kleenex. We ran out and had to use toliet paper and paper towels. Ouch. Enough Said.

3. Infertility. Seriously, you ask? And don't get me wrong. I would much rather be getting my little one ready for bed right now rather than typing about it. But my infertility has changed my life in so many ways. It has brought me into new relationships that I would not have had before. It has brought Brian and me closer together than we have ever been. It has taught me patience like nothing else could have. Waiting for my time of the month, waiting to test to ovulate, waiting to ovulate, waiting for my time of the month...for 24 straight months. And it has not been easy. But through this time of waiting and growing, God has brought me close. It has been in those moments of fear, desperation, extreme sadness and pain that I have cried out to God and he has met me there, calling out to me, "Further still, sweet one".

4. My Nanny. I love my Nanny for so many different reasons, she's loving, she's funny, she's always worried and wondering how everyone is doing (which is a lot of worrying since there's over 40 people in her immediate family). Nanny's also old school. She uses her dishwasher to STORE dishes, not wash them. She only washes things by hand. Which, after cooking for over 40 people, can add up to a lot of dishes. But she's always taught me about living simply and though doing things the hard way sometimes is a little slower, it gives you time to spend with each other (side by side, washing and drying, taking turns grinding ingredients by hand). I love watching her cook. She always gets really excited when she gets to cook for all of us and she's really good at it too. And it is from years of watching her cook and learning at her side, along with learning from my mom and all my aunts, I was able to cook most of the meal today from memory, something I thought I was incapable of doing.

5. My Jesus. When I think about what I was doing last year at this time, I realize I had no idea what was in store for me up ahead. The one thing that has not changed at all has been Christ. I am so thankful he lived and died on this Earth, and I'm so thankful for the special relationship we share that just gets better every day.

Thursday Thankfuls #3

2008-11-20T23:05:00.002-06:00

Here's my list for today:

1. Buttercream and Pumpkin Pie candles from Yankee Candle Company
2. A fire in our fireplace
3. My sweet husband snoring on the couch. He took off tomorrow so we could move into my NEW OFFICE!!
4. Heather and Cami for my awesome new bag with Agape Family Center embroidered on the front.
5. A visit from a couple of elders at our church here in Granbury. We were able to learn about some exciting ways to get involved and are so happy to finally feel like we are becoming apart of our new church family.

A side note, please pray for our friends Joe and Rachel. We have struggled virtually side by side with our infertility for the past two years. They have attempted invitro fertilization twice. One ended in miscarriage around the time we lost our sweet baby. The second one, though they were celebrating a pregnancy for two weeks, has also ended in miscarriage. Please lift them up as waves of desperation and hopelessness are crashing upon them.

Clean my Closet

2008-11-18T21:58:00.003-06:00

I was reading in our book tonight from my Wednesday night Psalms of Ascent class. I came across I Peter 5:5-7 and it really called out to me.
"Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another because: God opposes the proud, but gives grace to the humble. Humble yourselves, therefore, under God's mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxieties on him because he cares for you."
I feel like humility has always been something I've struggled with, I think most oldest children do. But this isn't just talking about being humble with others, but being most importantly, humble towards God. In doing so, I believe that God is actually more powerful and adept at solving my problems and handling my circumstances than I am. Though, he will lift me up in his due time, (which could be soon, or not until eternity), I am called to give my concerns, my cares, everything to him.
This is difficult to swallow for me because I feel like I've worked hard trying to iron out my future. I have plans. But, as in lots of things, my plans don't always seem to coincide with God's plans. It has been a humiliating process to gradually start handing things over to him. I'm still working on it. But I think the thing I've learned most of all is that God is actually big enough to take on everything of mine: the fabulous, the junk and everything in between.
It's like I'm this little kid that's been asked to clean out my closet. First of all, I would rather be playing outside or doing something fun, so I'm already upset I have to go through it at all. Second, there is some really gross stuff in my closet: old food wrappers, dirty clothes, who knows what that is in the corner over there....Third, there's some really great stuff in there I don't want to give away, stuff that even though I don't use it and it's not necessarily good for me, I'm so attached to it, I can't bear the thought to part with it.
But God's standing in the hallway knocking on my bedroom door with the trash bags, waiting to take everything from me. Ready to clean out this cluttered, dirty mess and give me a clean start.

Thursday Thankfuls #2

2008-11-12T23:42:00.006-06:00

Well, it's almost Thursday. I'm syncing my new IPHONE (happy birthday to me...) and while all 2050 songs are loading, I've got some time to kill...So, here's my list for this week:

1. My new IPHONE! After playing with the Kennedy Iphones this weekend, I looked into getting one, just for fun. I found out for $20 less a month than what I was paying at Verizon (without internet) I could get an Iphone with internet and texting. So, I did it. I'm sooo impulsive, but as of yet, haven't regretted it for a second! It freaking rocks!

2. Airplanes, especially the one that is taking me to Becca tomorrow.

3. Brian for holding down the homefront (and hopefully doing some cleaning before small group on Sunday night) while I'm gone. He loves me and my friends so much and is so great for letting me love on them, even if that means I don't get to love on him for a few days.

4. Doc called yesterday and I ovulated this month! (TMI ALERT!) Aunt Flo did come to visit today, but I'm so thankful that two months after the miscarriage my body is already getting back to normal, and maybe even more normal than it has ever been! Keep praying, hopefully baby Tindell will be just around the corner...

5. My mom! Today (well, Thursday), is her birthday! My mom is one of the most loving people I know. She is always awesome at remembering birthdays, anniversaries, complete with cards and gifts. She is thoughtful, smart, funny, friendly and sweet. Mom always makes it very clear that her kids are most important besides her God and her husband. I can't wait to come see you in a month and I'm so happy you were born today! I love you so much Mom and hope that you have a wonderful, exciting, fabulous birthday today!!! :)

Waise the Woof!!

2008-11-10T17:42:00.005-06:00

This weekend we went to Austin to hang out with the Kennedys! It was so much fun! I've been there a few times this year, but Brian hadn't been back since we spent New Years with them. We had a total blast! The girls attached onto Brian, which he was just a big softie for them. Mindy and I laughed at how he's going to be a big mushy puddle if he ever has any daughters!

Brian and Mackenzie

We hung out at their house on Friday night, complete with pizza, porch time and go fish! Before the kids went to bed, we played a few hundred rounds of go fish-kennedy style. After I got the hang of the rules, it was so much fun! Of course, everyone won, which resulted in a "raise the roof", which the girls called "waise the woof". It was hilarious!

Saturday we were really busy. After a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries and some episodes of XMEN from the 80s, we were out and about. We went to Red Lobster for lunch, which, shockingly, is one of Dylan's (one of the pickiest eaters I know) favorite restaurants. The kids loved looking at the lobsters in the tank and decided they were all boys since none of them were pretty.

After Red Lobster, we went for a shopping extravaganza all over Austin. The boys went to a cigar shop, Mindy got to experience the wonder of Francescas and we went to a play therapy store in south Austin.

Once we got home, Brian wanted to make hot tea, and the kids decided that even though they've never had it, it sounded like something they should have too. So Brian made one cup of hot tea for the kids, who said it tasted like hot water. Since we drained the last of the milk with our Crunch Berries that morning, Brian then proceeded to sweeten it with sprinkles. So, even though they thought it tasted incredible, it looked like a black gooey mess. Yummm...it was really cute though because they were so into making hot tea, which unless you live in Europe, is pretty much a grown up drink.

If you look closely, you can see the yummy goodness of "sweet hot tea"

Saturday night the boys made some mean fajitas and Mindy made some tasty margaritas and we had another porch night of talking and laughing.

Sunday was church, which I love watching the kiddos singing. Mackenzie sat next to me and grabbed my hand several times while we were singing. So cute! After a yummy lunch at Chilis, and the kids were down for their nap, Mindy and I headed to High School Musical 3!! I don't know why the boys didn't want to go, it was classic greatness and horrible cheesiness all in one and I can't wait to see it again!

We had so much fun this weekend and are so blessed to have such great friends. Brian and I talked on the way home how great it is that Brian grew up with Brandon and after almost 10 years of friendship with both of them, we are still so close, even though we don't see each other all of the time. Every time we get together it is like no time has passed at all. I'm so happy that my kids are going to have the Kennedy kids to show them the ropes and hang out with, even though Brandon can't wait to get back at us for making their kids crazy every time we get together. We love you guys so much and can't wait to see you again!

Here's some more pictures from the weekend:

Me and Madison

Brian and Dylan
Old BFFs rock! (Notice Kenzie grabbing onto my jeans during the picture. It was so sweet. Love that kid.)

Mommy and Mackenzie (otherwise known as Mommy and Mini-Mommy)

Thursday Thanksgivings (even tho it's Friday)

2008-11-07T09:01:00.003-06:00

Thursdays are shaping up to be my favorite day. Not only are my most favorite shows on Thursday night, but at 10 in the morning I attend a ladies' Bible study with some of the girls in my class. It has been such a blessing learning from and getting to know all of these women. Penny, our group leader has been doing a series on how to pray, envisioning a garden of prayer with everything we could include. One of the parts of the garden is the Bridge of Appreciation.

This is where we turn to God and thank him for all of the blessings he is doing in our life.

I have heard it said to me so many times throughout the last couple of years that thanking God for his bountiful blessings will help turn my mourning into dancing. And it's true. I find myself able to be joyful when I can thank him for any little or big thing that is going on around me. And when I am not thanking him, I get so self-consumed with my own pain, I am not that great of a wife, a friend, a Christian, well you get the idea. So I have decided to set a goal and post at least 5 specific things every week I am grateful for. This is really for my own benefit to look back onto when I get weepy or selfish. But I hope that it encourages you to begin thinking about your blessings as well!

So here's my thankful list for yesterday!!

1. Brian: he took off today and is cooking me eggs with cheese and pancakes!
2. Cell phones: Wednesday was my birthday and I think I was on the phone for a good 6 hours, texting and talking to my loved ones.
3. Gas at $1.92 a gallon
4. My car and the ability to travel wherever and whenever I want to. Like today, we are leaving to spend the weekend in Austin with the Kennedys!!!
5. Chicken Madeira and Chocolate Coconut Cheesecake with my sister before a day of shopping and talking on my birthday

My very own Jordan Knight

2008-11-04T21:44:00.004-06:00

Saturday night we had our Bible class's 80's costume party. I've been looking forward to this for weeks, Brian, on the other hand, dreaded it for weeks. And of course, his lack of choice in costume, allowed me to choose for him. I still had spare 80's stuff from the New Kids concert. So, I brilliantly decided that he should go as Jordan Knight (consequently my fave New Kid), and I would go as his groupie. I got him all dressed up in his duds and took his picture, then printed those pics and put them into buttons. They turned out great! Here's some pics of me and my very own Jordan Knight. (I think he really had fun, AND we won the most creative costume award!! Whoohoo!)

Our group pic, you can barely see me, but oh well!

I can't help myself, he's sooo hot!!

My very own Jordan Knight

He really got into it!

My buttons

Okay, I love this man. And let me tell you why. In the last five years in our marriage, I've seen him triumph and fail. But nothing has stopped him from loving me and loving our God. He is constantly acting as the spiritual leader in our family, which I appreciate so much. He tells me he loves me constantly, scratches my back every night before I go to sleep and is working very hard to support me in starting my private practice. This month has been hard for several different reasons, and today it kind of culminated with me bawling. I see now that our relationship has gotten so strong because he just held me while I cried, he didn't try to fix it or tell me that I shouldn't be upset. He is my very best friend, he is my most trusted confidant, my sweet husband. Today I realized that God has blessed me with the one person who will never judge me, will always consider me first, will always be there for me and no matter who comes and goes, will be steadfast in his devotion to me. I love my man!!

Blessings

2008-10-30T19:02:00.004-05:00

I have so many blessings and happy things to share with you! This week, though it's been very busy, and wrought with major decisions, has also been full of blessings and God's workings.

First of all, I am now a buisness owner! After much pondering, we have decided to open up my private practice. This is coming after a week of very painful decisions and seeking of God's will. I was offered a wonderful job opportunity last week that sent me into a tailspin. I've been wearing my family and friends out for their advice and prayers on what to do. I finally asked God on Sunday to speak very plainly about what I should do. Monday was full of his overwhelming answer. Within hours of each other, I got a call that the job offer was not going to be as good for our family as we originally thought, that my position in Grand Prairie would not continue after Christmas and my builder in Granbury called to say that he could set me up with a small office, for half of my original price, including a month to month lease. It became very clear to us that God was trying to tell me to step out on faith and start my practice.

So, I've signed all the papers and have already placed an ad, for what from now on will be the Agape Family Center. The Center will provide individual, group and family therapy, play therapy, parent training and more to the children and families of Hood County and beyond. Thanks for all of your prayers and support, I'm so blessed to have such great family and friends who continue to seek God's will for my life.

Now for a blessing list of things I'm thankful for this week:
1. Brian, he has been unswerving in his support for me and desire for me to succeed in my career.
2. Feeling the presence of God so close to me this week. I literally feel like as I'm walking he's holding my hands above me, leading every step.
3. Email and text messaging. Monday was full of communication with my family & friends deciding what to do. Love living in the 21st century!
4. My new doctor in Granbury, she's a Christian, is super sweet and has a great plan to help my infertility.
5. Thursday night TV & the premiere of 30 Rock
6. Sonic Rt. 44 Vanilla Diet Cokes half off during Happy Hour
7. The warm sunny days and the chilly, starry nights here in Granbury.
8. The Beth Moore, Psalms of Ascent class I'm going to on Wednesday nights.
9. My new curtains and mirror in my dining room, and again my sweet husband for helping hang them up!
10. FALL!! Complete with 1/2 off decorations at Hobby Lobby, high school football (Brian's 10 year High School reunion tomorrow) & an 80's Costume Party with our Bible Class Saturday! (80's and Costume Party are consequently two of my all-time FAVORITE words, so you can guess how pumped I am about that!)

I really have felt so at peace about everything going on in my life right now. For the first time in a long time, I'm not worried about when I will be pregnant again. I don't know when it will happen again, but I feel so blessed to have been pregnant this year at all, it was a special gift that my Father gave to me. I'm not worried about the future and I feel so safe having God so close.

Isaiah 40: 29&31
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.

Here's some pics of the dining room curtains and some of my fall decorations!

I haven't hemmed them yet, but they're beautiful to look at until then! Look carefully at the dining room table. This is the emptiest it will EVER be. It's right by the garage door, so it becomes our dumping ground when we walk in.

I love my pumpkin!

My Fun Friday!

2008-10-25T16:37:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I got to spend the entire day with my best friend Rebecca, her sweet baby Hadley and the rest of the Ellis family (who let me crash their family night). Rebecca and I roomed together senior year in college and have been friends for almost ten years. I also grew up with a ton of good-looking, Christian men that I always tried to set up with my friends. Bec was no different, I knew of one of my friends that was just perfect for her. But when we tried to set them up, the timing didn't work out. The night Brian and I got back from our honeymoon, we were shocked to find out my bridesmaid Becca and my usher Marcus were on their first date! Seems they struck up some conversation during the reception, and my prediction was correct!

Now Marcus and Becca, two of my best friends, are married and live in Memphis. Becca and I have been through so much in our friendship: boy drama, sickness, family problems, marriage, grad school, careers and now parenthood. Marcus and Bec have a beautiful baby girl, Hadley Rene, who is the most fun, happy little thing you could meet. At first, I thought she looked like her Daddy, and I still do, from the nose, up. But Hadley's smile is all her Mommy's. She has a beautiful smile that lights up the room and brings everyone joy.

I am so blessed to have a friend like Rebecca. I love our talks, whether they be about the little stuff like sno cones and Christmas music, or big stuff like relationship problems and career decisions, Bec always listens, is always concerned and is always there with great advice and strong support. I love you so much Rebecca and I can't wait to come see you in November!!

Here's some pictures of yesterday:

I love your blog!

2008-10-22T17:21:00.005-05:00

Heather nominated me for the "I love your Blog" award! Yay! I love Heather Blevins and her blog!! She's my new friend and already I have made such fun memories with her! She has adorable sons, Reed and Hudson. Heather also is a gourmet cake maker, for a HOBBY!! You should totally check out her blog (link list on the right) to see some of her work. She is truly gifted, is a great mother, an awesome wife, a phenomenal Christian and a fantastic friend! So, thanks Heather!!!!

So here's my one-word answers to the I love your blog quiz....

1. Where is your cell phone? dunno

2. Where is your significant other? work

3. Your haircolor? brown

4. Your mother? loving

5. Your father? hilarious

6. Your favorite thing? house

7. Your dream last night? NKOTB

8. Your dream/goal? privatepractice

9. The room you're in? living

10. Your hobby? sewing

11. Your fear? barren

12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? home

13. Where were you last night? Cheesecake :)

14. What you're not? quiet

15. One of your wish-list items? wii

16. Where you grew up? Arlington

17. The last thing you did? shower

18. What are you wearing? comfy

19. Your TV? projector

20. Your pet? underbite

21. Your computer? wireless

22. Your mood? peaceful

23. Missing someone? parents

24. Your car? awesome

25. Something you're not wearing? bra...(i said comfy)

26. Favorite store? Anthropologie

27. Your summer? beach

28. Love someone? Brian

29. Your favorite color? pink

30. When is the last time you laughed? today

31. When is the last time you cried? today

there ya go! I nominate Andrea, Ashley, Becca, Maggie, Mindy and Rachel, Tanya and Taylor!!!

Hangin Tough, 1987 to "Summertime" 2008

2008-10-20T18:56:00.006-05:00

So, last night I got the insanely awesome opportunity to go to the New Kids on the Block concert! I'm not ashamed at all to say that I am an enormous BLOCKHEAD. I've loved them since the third grade. I had the sleeping bag, the pillowcase, the buttons, the sleepshirt, and the People magazine. The 1991 People magazine that they were on the cover of. I got into a fight with the KMART cashier when I bought it. She said that New Kids weren't going to last much longer, and I not so respectfully told her that she was stupid and they were bigger than the Beatles. Or had she not been reading up on her TIGERBEAT?! My mom embarrassedly dragged me out of the store. So here's to you girls, ages 25-35, you moms who let your daughters drool hopelessly over these boys, to the Kmart cashier wherever you are, our boys are back, and man do they still got the right stuff! I'll be loving them FOREVER!

Rachel, Kara, Manda and me, rockin our New Kids shirts

Oh my gosh, are we the cutest sisters EVER?? As adults, we're best friends. When we were little, New Kids was pretty much the only thing besides God and the same parents that we had in common.

The five of us at House of Blues (thanks for the discount Holly!)

Manda and Me basking in our concert high in Victory Park

Ooohhhh, they're still sooooo good!!

There's the boys, singin in a circle in the middle of a mob of screaming girls my age acting 15 years younger.

The final bow after an Encore of Step by Step and Hangin Tough

I've got some video that I tried to post, but it took FOREVER to upload. So, if someone wants to see video, tell me an easier way to put it on here than just uploading it through blogger!

Welcome to Holland

2008-10-18T21:59:00.002-05:00

I've been attending a ladies Bible study on Thursday mornings at our church here in Granbury. It has been such a blessing for me to get to know these women better. I've also learned so much from them already, some who have experienced hurts and trials much worse than I could ever imagine. They've all been quick to bring me in, give me their support and love. Their faith and strength is example to me. This was read by the study leader, Penny this past Thursday. It is intended for parents of special needs children, but I think it can apply to all of us who thought life was going to be one way, but it turned out much different than expected. I know I'm slowly learning to appreciate Holland.

WELCOME TO HOLLAND
I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......

When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.

After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."

"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."

But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.

The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.

So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.

It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.

But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."

And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.

But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland.

Emily Perl Kingsley

In the Savior's arms

2008-10-15T20:31:00.003-05:00

Today, October 15th, is the National Day of Remembrance for Pregnancy and Infant Loss. Please continue to keep those of us who have lost little ones in your hearts and prayers today. So many of you have encouraged me through our loss as you have experienced losses of your own. I pray for God's everlasting peace to cover you today and that you can seek comfort that our Savior himself is holding our loved ones in his arms and that we too will see them face to face someday.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:13-16

My rock

2008-10-14T09:03:00.002-05:00

Since Bobcat man came Friday and scraped away all of the blessed weeds and the top inch of layer of ground from our backyard, Brian and I spent the last three days handpicking up each blasted rock and throwing it into what will soon be the "Firepit Patio". I have no earthly idea how to build a patio, but Brian has had some experience with it at his mom's house and he's a mechanical engineer, that should count for something, right?
Back to the rock transplanting: Yesterday I was mostly in charge of picking up rock, as Brian was trying to seed the ground that had just been "tilled". He came over and observed a load I had just dumped into the pit, picking up one rock after another and claiming: "This isn't a rock, Amy, it's clay. We don't want to put this in as the foundation of our patio. Clay shrinks and expands, rock stays firm. We don't want all of the gravel, sand and then flagstone to buckle under us, or the patio to not be straight."
Yesterday, I got frustrated with that statement. Why can't I just leave all those Rock-imposter clay lumps in there? They're hard like rock! But I was tired of bending over for 10 straight hours, so I was a little grumpy.
This morning, I was thinking about it as I was looking at the 16x16 hole in our ground that will one day soon be a patio, complete with fire pit. I'm looking forward to the end result of patio furniture, some potted cactus, roasting marshmallows on a chilly evening, singing devo songs under the stars. Then a song popped into my head:
Jesus, You're my firm foundation. I know I can stand secure.
Oh Jesus, You're my firm foundation. I put my hope in Your Holy Word, I put my hope in Your Holy Word.
I have a living hope, I have a future. God has a plan for me, of this I'm sure.
Your Word is faithful, mighty with power, God will deliver me, of this I'm sure.
Jesus you're my firm foundation. I know I can stand secure.
Oh Jesus, you're my firm foundation. I put my hope in Your Holy Word, I put my hope in Your Holy Word.
Building this patio is a lot like building my life. I can be like the wise man, who built his house on the rock: lining my life first with God's word and constantly communicating with Him. Or, I could be like the foolish man who built his house on the sand. I can line my life with what I think looks like religion, or being holy, or even with comforts that I enjoy every day. But when the rains come in and the floods come up, my little life is just going to go SPLAT.
I feel like God has carried me through a SPLAT. He has given me a second chance to rebuild my life on what is important: HIM, my husband, my family, my church, my friends, my job. My priorities were out of whack and I was using building materials that were not going to stand the test of time. I only feel alone when I am not looking up at Him. I only feel lost when I'm not responding to His hand on my shoulder, guiding me. I only feel like the ground from underneath me is cracking when I have not stood on the ROCK.
Once again, my sweet husband has taught me an invaluable lesson, even though he was talking patio. I'm so grateful for that man, God has blessed me so much by putting Brian in my life by using him to speak to me.

The Clean Dream Team

2008-10-11T19:52:00.003-05:00

I'm not so much of a "deep" cleaner. Actually, I'm not much of a cleaner. Word of caution, if you show up to my house unannounced, beware that there will be a layer of dog hair coating the floor, cobwebs in every corner, and dust on every piece of furniture. But, I am obsessed with dishes, I love doing them (weird huh?), so you will probably not see a dish in my sink.
Today was my deep clean day. I got tired of "spot" mopping. Bec taught me this art form when we lived together in college and I've tried to perfect it ever since. But today was the day for the mopping. I HATE HATE DOUBLE HATE mopping. But in Canton, Heather told me about the Swiffer Wet Jet. She said it makes mopping wayyy easier. Today was also the day for the shower to be cleaned. I HATE HATE DOUBLE HATE cleaning the shower, (really the whole bathroom). My mom told me about the Mr. Clean Magic Reach and that it changed her life in bathroom cleaning.
So yesterday I packed into Walmart and purchased what would soon change my life in regards to house cleaning forever. May I introduce you to, the Clean Dream Team:
Dottie Dyson, Slick Swiffy and Baldy McClean
We got Dottie when we lived in our last house. It got old really fast using two different floor tools to clean carpet, hardwood and tile. It was the best investment in a cleaning tool we've ever spent.

A close second is Slick Swiffy. Thanks Heather for telling me about him! He's given me new hope in clean floors!

And Mom, I LOVED LOVED LOVED Baldy McClean! Sweet Goodness did my shower look fantastic after I was done!

Welp, that's what I did today! Hope everyone had a great Saturday!!

Fun with Bunnies

2008-10-10T10:18:00.005-05:00

Last weekend while I was in Canton, Brian brought home 3 new additions to our little family. Yes, I agreed to it, I know some of you are thinking, "Amy, you can't complain about this because you brought it upon yourself". And I just want to let you know, I hear you, and I'm still probably going to complain about the smell and the poo. So, Brian brought home 3 bunnies. More like, rabbits. Like the kind that they pull out of magic hats, though they have creepy red eyes that scare the begeezus out of me. One is a male, two are females, who Brian so wonderfully informed me are both knocked up. So, even though I'm dying to be a mother, it looks like I'm going to be a grandmother first. Super. I don't know the first thing about birthing baby bunnies. But at least I'm hoping their super-fertility will rub off on me!
So, without further ado, let me introduce you to:
FLOPSY (surrounded by his two new best friends)

MOPSY
And COTTONTAIL

Needless to say, the bunnies have gotten a lot of attention. Lewis just wants to be near them non-stop. They always stay in their cages, but Flopsy (the boy) gets to have his cage on the grass when we're home. So Lewis likes to lay next to him and watch him. We got Gracie again last night, and she's just down right obsessed with them. She cried for 30 minutes last night when we went to bed because she wanted to be out with them. And our neighbor dog, Emma, Lewis's girlfriend, comes over all the time to hang out in our little stockyard.

Today we're having the "Bobcat Man" come over and scrape the back half of our lot so we can lay out grass and form flowerbeds, build a fire pit, patio and gazebo. So, Brian and I were out surveying the lot and laying out stakes for Bobcat Man. Usually the dogs are at our heels chasing the millions of rocks that are the reason for our inability to mow and thus our weedfest in the backyard. But they were so into the rabbits, they didn't even care what we were doing.

Here's before pictures of our backyard. I really regret not having a catalogue of before/after pics of our last house since we did so much work to it. So, we are making sure we do that with this house. Though, there's not much to do, thankfully. And I threw in a picture of our front yard too since so many have asked me about it.

WEEDFEST '08!

For those who've stuck with this ridiculously long post to the bitter end, I'm taking a poll and need your votes. I've been debating on whether or not to paint our bedroom and other rooms in the house. I'm not painting the living/dining/kitchen area because it's all one big room and already a great color. But the rest of the house is the same color, on the walls, and ceilings. It's pretty and I don't mind it (I love art and bright colored curtains as you can tell), but also don't want to be boring. So, vote please...to paint or not to paint??

Some wonderful things...

2008-10-06T21:06:00.005-05:00

This weekend I got the wonderful opportunity to go away for the weekend with some new friends. A few of the girls in my class at our church in Granbury invited me to go to Tyler for the weekend for the sole purpose of relaxing AND shopping in Canton! I had such a fabulous time with these girls and I am so blessed for my new friends!!

And for another wonderful thing...I finished my kitchen curtains!! Yay!! I'm really happy with the way they turned out, since I have never made any curtains like this before! Brian was a little unsure, he didn't know those qualified as curtains since they weren't long. I guess we learn something new every day! Enjoy the pics of my kitchen, I'm super excited!!

lcwwqgxn

2008-10-01T17:54:00.003-05:00

That is the code I had to type in to leave a comment on Heather's blog. I'm about done with these little codes in the stupid encrypted font that you don't know if you're typing a q or a g or a t or a f. Booo Blogger, now you're just TRYING to be difficult.

Something Heavenly

2008-09-29T23:16:00.003-05:00

I thought I'd write tonight about the song that inspired the title of my blog. It is playing at the bottom of my page and has been my ballad that often gets me through the day.
I first heard this song in May, while I was having my breakdown from my medication. I started crying immediately because this song was expressing exactly how I was feeling at that moment. I love the way that it starts out as a sort of prayer to God for healing and rebuilding, as the author feels that his whole life is crashing down around him.
So often during the last two years, I know when I am not trusting God. It feels like the time when I was lost on a hiking trip in Colorado. I too felt like I was climbing aimlessly, not really knowing where I was going, just trying to figure it out on my own. It's during these times that I've tried to make sense of everything on my own. I've let jealousy, anger, disappointment deprive me of my joy, and I've let my own selfish will direct my steps, instead of resting in God's hands.
I have by no means relinquished control. That's part of my problem. I get so worked up when things don't go my way. My sweet husband keeps telling me that although I sometimes feel abandoned, left out, God has yet to show that He's abandoned me. And that though chaos continues, and I feel like I am just getting hit left and right by the waves, God is working.
There have been so many times in the last few months that I've just replayed this song over and over in my car. I sometimes sing it, speak it, scream it. I've used this song many times to give words to what I cannot find words to express.
I don't know what God is up to. That is part of the reason why I began this blog. I have journaled off and on throughout these past two years. I really wanted a place that I, not only could release what builds up in me from day to day, but also have an avenue that others could read and somehow benefit from the work God is continuing in me. I know His story is not done with me. And though I'm not sure what His mighty plan is next for me, when and if I will get to hold my first child in my arms, and I am constantly wondering what He wants me to do when I grow up, I know that He is up to something larger than life in me. Something bigger than me. Something Heavenly.
So please, read the words, listen to the song. I hope that it touches you, and brings you to a closer understanding of what God is actively doing with you.

SOMETHING HEAVENLY
It’s time for healing, time to move on.
It’s time to fix what’s been broken too long.
Time to make right what has been wrong.
Its time to find my way to where I belong.
There’s a wave that’s crashing over me and all I can do is surrender.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos, somehow there’s peace.
And it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, but I’m giving in to Something Heavenly.
Time for a milestone, time to begin again, reevaluate who I really am.
Am I doing everything to follow your will, or just climbing aimlessly over these hills?
So show me what it is you want from me!
I give everything; I surrender!
To whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but somehow there’s peace.
And though it’s hard to surrender to what I can’t see, I’m giving in to Something Heavenly.
Time to face up; clean this old house.
Time to breathe in and let everything out that I’ve wanted to say for so many years.
Time to release all my held back tears.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but I believe, you’re up to something bigger than me, larger than life Something Heavenly.
Whatever you’re doing inside of me, it feels like chaos but now I can see, this is something bigger than me, larger than life, Something Heavenly.

Who dunnit?!

2008-09-27T17:26:00.003-05:00

We're having doggie drama. We inherited Lewis's sister, Gracie, this summer while Brian's mom worked long hours. They are 5 years old and best best friends. So, it's really hard to imagine splitting them up. But, after the last week, we might just give both of them away. We've had mysterious messes left all over the house and no one is owning up to them.
Lewis, the loyal, valedictorian in his class, social disordered dog that he is would hold his bladder til Jesus returned before he would go inside. Or so we thought.
Gracie, is very, um, pretty. She's like the popular girl at school. Loves to go to the party, is the life OF the party, but not a whole lot going on upstairs, if you know what I mean. Gracie will go potty pretty much anywhere. Just because she has to go.
Until this point, we were totally sure that Gracie was the one leaving "presents" for us all over the house. But then the runny #2's started popping up. First in the "man" room, (which will someday soon be converted into the nursery). Then at 4:30in the morning last night, in our bathroom. I let Brian take care of that one since I had to get up at 6:30 this morning. Then the culprit let it go again right AFTER they'd gone in the bathroom and outside between the hours of 4:30 and 6:30 am.
So now we're trying to catch them in the act. I'm thinking security cameras, alarms on the carpet, anything. This is unacceptable and I did not get dogs to live in a poop factory. Here's pictures of the two suspects. See if you can decide who the guilty one is.
Gracie and Lewis, look nothing alike but from the same litter

We didn't do it! It was Daddy!! We promise!

Pssst. Mom. It was Gracie. She's so stupid, I kept telling her to hold it. Please don't be mad at me! I know I'm your favorite! :)

Today

2008-09-25T22:45:00.002-05:00

Today started out a VERY difficult day. I was supposed to go in for my final exam to make sure the miscarriage had completed and my body was getting back to normal. I was already a little down because it was two weeks ago today that I lost my little one. And it was around today that I should have been scheduling my first sonogram to see my baby on the screen. But today, I went to the doctor to make sure my body was back to normal.
Instead, I waited at my doctor's office for an hour and a half. Not only that, but I waited in the waiting room with a bunch of other pregnant women and little babies. I've really felt a lot better about being around babies and pregnant women. I used to not be able to handle it, my jealousy would spin out of control. But now that I know I can get pregnant, and I've actually carried a baby in my tummy, I know what it feels like to be a mommy, even if it was just for a couple of short weeks. All that being said, I can handle 1-5, maybe even 5-10 pregnant women/teenie babies around me. Today was overload. For an hour and a half I sat in a super-crowded, standing-room only waiting room with mommies and babies. Meanwhile I was waiting for this doctor to mash on my tummy to make sure all my parts were back to normal after losing my baby.
After waiting the hour and a half, I finally got called back to the room. I changed clothes, had my blood pressure taken and was told to wait a few minutes. Once the doctor came in, the exam would be over shortly. I waited five minutes and the nurse came back in. She said my doctor got called to the hospital with two other patients and I would have to reschedule. But she would book the next appointment as an OB appointment, for pregnant women. In that case, I wouldn't have to wait as long, I would be in and out in no time. What?! You have that kind of appointment available? Why on earth would you make me sit here for an hour and a half, surrounded by cooing little babies, for an exam that would take less than five minutes, when you could have arranged this for me all along?
I stormed out of the office and was crying before I even hit pavement outside. The unfairness of it all shook me. I shouldn't be rescheduling my miscarriage pelvic exam for next Monday. I should be looking at my sweet baby on the screen with my husband next to me. I shouldn't be looking longingly at the strollers, carriers, bottles, socks on the floor, cries, smiles and coos of the babies in the waiting room. I should be rubbing my tummy and thinking fondly of the few short months I lack til that baby is in my arms.
Today just didn't seem fair.

My parents!

2008-09-22T21:03:00.003-05:00

I received 2 things in the mail today that convinced me who to dedicate my next post to: my parents, Bill and Joyce Allen. My dad is a preacher in North Carolina and today I received his bulletin article from the church bulletin. He had told me he was going to write about me and the miscarriage, but when I read it, I cried today. It was simple and sweet and thoughtful. It told his church family how much he loved his daughter and how deeply sad he feels at the loss of his first grandbaby. Then I looked a little further through the mail and had already received a card from one of the members at their church. I felt so much joy at the thought of being prayed for, not just by people who know and love me, but by people who don't even really know who I am, but love my parents so much that they had to reach out to me.

This weekend my parents were asked to speak at a conference in Raleigh, North Carolina, about raising Godly children. My sister and I, even though we've had our moments, we are still Godly women who strive every day to be closer to our Creator. We both married Christian men who try to lead us to Heaven and have been extremely involved with our church family. This is a testimony to the incredible parents were blessed with. Neither one of my parents grew up going to church on a regular basis. Neither had the every-waking-moment-at-church upbringing that I was blessed to have. But my dad always said that even if he couldn't be the child in the multi-generational faith family picture, he could be the grandpa in the middle, surrounded by all of his Christian children and grandchildren.

While others might disagree, I loved being a Preacher's kid. I loved growing up hearing my Daddy's voice over the speakers in a big auditorium. I loved being taught by my mother and all of her friends. My parents never once forced me to believe in God, but constantly lived examples of faith around me every day. Even though they weren't perfect, they allowed me to not be perfect either. When mistakes were made, (and I was the worst one out of the 2 of us...), I was never unloved or unforgiven. I was always taught that nothing could separate me from God's love and the same thing goes for my parents as well. I always felt loved, funny, beautiful, smart and capable. My parents still tell me I can do anything I want to do and encourage me in any endeavor I contemplate attempting.

One of the most difficult times in my life was when my parents moved to North Carolina. I always thought that I would live all over the place, but my parents would always be home. And it has been a struggle living life without them 10 minutes away. But they have done their very best to call, visit, and provide constant support for Brian and me, and Manda and Paul since they moved almost 3 years ago.

Getting to tell them face to face that I was pregnant was a moment that will forever be etched into my memory. Feeling their joy and amazement at what was about to happen brought me so much happiness. And as our trip to Disney drew to a close and we started to worry about the baby, saying good-bye was one of the hardest things to do. Talking to them through that following week brought me so much comfort. And hearing the pain and sorrow in their voice as they tried to comfort me through the loss again soothed my pain. I know they hurt when I hurt and they feel joy when I feel joy. Their love is not unlike the love my Heavenly Father has for me. They have been constant examples of that love my entire life and I am a better person for being their daughter. My only prayer is that I can be that kind of example to my children, as they have done for me. I love my parents so much and I feel so blessed to be their "baby girl".

Mom and me on the Teacups!

Dad and Brian outside of the Aerosmith Rockin Roller Coaster ride

The four of us at Downtown Disney

The six of us on the Riverwalk in San Antonio at Christmas last year

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2008-09-21T21:35:00.004-05:00

This morning at church, the sermon was centered on grace and whether or not we can earn it. He discussed the enemies of grace and how they can torment us away from thinking we are saved. One of those was the spiritual desert. Those times in our life when we are in an obsolete, empty universe where it feels like no one hears our cries, sorrows, or joys. One of the scriptures that the preacher brought up was 2 Corinthians 12:9-10, describing one of Paul's spiritual deserts. It is one of my most favorite verses, but tonight I decided to read the context surrounding that verse, and it brought some new perspective to my life.
Paul in 2 Corinthians was talking about hardships and how we should not boast in anything, but present our requests humbly before the Lord. He talks in this chapter of the thorn in his flesh that he begged God three times to take away. Now, my smart Bible (NIV, Life Application Bible) talks about how we do not know what thorn Paul is describing though scholars believe it to be some sort of physical ailment that Paul asked to be healed of.
Three times Paul pleaded with God to be healed of this physical ailment. Not unlike the many times I have begged God to heal me of my inability to conceive. Not unlike the days I spent crying out to God to continue the miracle He placed in me with my baby. But like all of those times, God did not heal Paul of that ailment. But simply repsonded with this:
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."
Paul goes on to say:
"Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my WEAKNESSES, so that Christ's POWER may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weakness, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG."
God does not refrain from healing because He cannot. His works are far greater, than my narrow perspective. Paul, through this thorn in the flesh, was able to "receive greater grace from God, a stronger character, humility, and an ability to empathize with others." Although I am definitley not putting myself in the category of the great Apostle Paul, I empathize with his thorn. And I'm beginning to find it easier to delight myself in this weakness. His grace is sufficient for me. So many times has He answered my prayers, from the mundane to the serious. And though He has not brought healing just yet, His power has been made perfect in me. For I know the weaker I am, the stronger God can be for me. What a blessing to bathe in my Father's lavish grace every morning. And sleep in His strong, capable arms every night. And to be carried in His powerful, nail-pierced hands during the day, even when I cry, even when I struggle, even when I hurt, both physically and emotionally. For when I am weak, then I am STRONG!!

And as a side note, the Cowboys are winning, it is FALL (had to seasonally decorate my blog, it's the cool thing to do), and the holidays are just around the corner!! It's not too early to sing, "It's the most wonderful time, of the year..."

Just call me Martha Stewart...

2008-09-19T22:01:00.003-05:00

Well, today I finally put up the curtains I made with Rachel's mom while Rachel was on bedrest with invitro! And, I'm super excited!! I think they look so awesome! Kaye, Brian's mom, gave me her old sewing machine. And while it is used, it's a really good one. But aside from a few baby quilts I've made, I haven't really used it in the last five years. I get really nervous to do it myself, (Brian's mom is a master quilter) so I just avoid it til I have to do something. And everytime I pick it up to use it again, I have to reread the instructions on how to thread a bobbin, turn it on, etc. Silly huh? I really love to sew, I always have. Now that we're finally in our dream house and I have a little more free time on my hands I think I really want to get started again. There's several babies being born soon that I need to do baby quilts on, so that's my first step. After I finish all my curtains of course! Brenda helped me set up the curtains for the kitchen and I just need to sew them up. Then I am going to make some for the dining room and our bedroom. But for now, I'm just going to enjoy the view of my backyard through my beautiful curtains! Thanks Mrs. Brenda Cass!!!

Why do bad things happen to good people?

2008-09-18T17:02:00.004-05:00

It is always a really good day when I get home from work in time to watch the 5 o'clock episode of Friends on TBS. Today the episode was when they were in Barbados for Ross's convention that he was the keynote speaker for. You may remember, (or you may not care at all), that during these episodes, Joey and Charlie broke up, and as a result, Charlie hooked up with Ross and Joey hooked up with Rachel. When they got home from the trip, Rachel wanted to talk to Ross about hooking up with Joey. But Ross, opening his bag to take out a toy for Emma, realized that the 200 shampoo bottles that he took from the hotel, exploded over everything in his bag on the plane ride home. He started freaking out about this unfortunate incident. He was so obsessed with the ruined contents of his bag that he couldn't hear what Rachel was trying to talk to him about. He shouted out loud, "Why do bad things happen to good people?". At first, I was laughing at the sillyness of it all. Oh Ross, you are sooo overdramatic and you overemphasize every thing, big or small to be a huge ordeal. Really? You're going to be upset over shampoo bottles exploding over the bag when so much bad stuff is happening in this world? When hurricanes are destroying cities, stock markets are crashing, people are starving and I just miscarried the baby I've longed for for 2 years?

Then...ouch. I understand losing my baby that I've tried for 2 years to conceive is a sad, painful ordeal. But really, Amy? What makes your pain so much more significant than someone else's? How can I sit so pathetically by and assume that people should be trying to understand me, when I haven't been willing to look past my own pain to see that others are struggling in their own pain all around me? What makes me feel like I'm the only good person that is experiencing pain, hardships, hurt? Yes, infertility is an extremely difficult pain to experience, especially when you feel like everyone else is doing their part to keep the world populated while you just sit idly by. But others have lost children, lost jobs, houses, have been diagnosed with impossible diseases, have to care for parents, grandparents, siblings. Bad things happen to good people and I'm not the only good person bad things happen to.

Father help me. I can get so self-absorbed. So self-consumed with my own problems, with my own pain, with my own successes, that rarely do I take a minute to consider what's going on with others. I want so much to be Your child. To be someone that others look at and can see Your face. Help me to look beyond myself and see Your creation, Your children, YOU.

Great is Thy Faithfulness

2008-09-15T20:59:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I woke up needing to go to church. I didn't want to go to Granbury CoC, since we are one of two couples out of 30 that are not currently pregnant or have 1+ children. It's been a struggle to go there since we've moved, but I've tried to be positive. But I knew I couldn't face another Sunday of people asking me if I had any kids, then categorizing me based upon my inability to have them regardless of my desire.
So, yesterday I woke up needing to go to church. I had been a hermit all weekend and it had been wonderful. It was hard to talk about the baby on the phone, I inevitably always started crying. But Sunday was different. I needed to be hugged. I needed to talk about my baby and my grief. I needed to physically feel support. So I nudged Brian and told him I wanted to go to Woodland West. And we then got ready in 20 minutes, drove the hour and made it to WW by the time the singing started.
Although there were a couple of hard times, I am so glad we went. I cried through most of the first few songs. But we were held, we were prayed for, we were blessed. I love my church family so much, it hurts going through this without their support every Sunday and Wednesday night. But I am so grateful we were able to be there today. Tom Norwood is quite possibly the greatest song leader I have ever heard and man was he killing me with the song service. It was a good feeling because even though I love to sing, I physically couldn't because of how much I was crying. So I listened and read the words and worshipped. Two of the songs really spoke to me, they were gifts from my Father to let me know He was thinking of me at that moment.
Here are the words of comfort God rained on me yesterday:

Great is Thy Faithfulness
Great is Thy faithfulness, O God my Father;
There is no shadow of turning with Thee;
Thou changest not, Thy compassions, they fail not;
As Thou hast been, Thou forever will be.

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

Pardon for sin and a peace that endureth
Thine own dear presence to cheer and to guide;
Strength for today and bright hope for tomorrow,
Blessings all mine, with ten thousand beside!

Great is Thy faithfulness!
Great is Thy faithfulness!
Morning by morning new mercies I see.
All I have needed Thy hand hath provided;
Great is Thy faithfulness, Lord, unto me!

He is Able
He is able, more than able, to accomplish what concerns me today.
He is able, more than able, to handle anything that comes my way.
He is able, more than able, to do much more than I could ever dream.
He is able, more than able, to make me what He wants me to be.

And I just wanted to sincerely, gratefully thank you for all of your comments, emails, calls, cards, prayers of support and love. You have helped get me through one of the darkest days and I just wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart for holding me up and carrying me through.

Our baby's resting with Jesus

2008-09-11T19:30:00.003-05:00

This afternoon I lost our baby. God blessed me so much. I started cramping and bleeding at work. I made the hour long drive home, knowing what my afternoon was going to hold. By the time I got home the pain was unbearable, but in less than 30 minutes, before Brian could even get home, it was all over. God answered my prayer that if it needed to happen, it would be fast and our little one would join his true Father quickly.
Thank you everyone for your thoughts and prayers. Yesterday afternoon I found out my levels had increased, but my progesterone was very low. By last night my spotting had increased, and I really started coming to terms that this pregnancy was not long for this world. Brian and I are doing okay. We're clinging to each other. He is such a sweet Daddy.
I know now that this little miracle showed me I could get pregnant, since we did it without any medication. And hopefully someday soon, we will be able to provide our sweet one with a little brother or sister.
Thank you Jesus, for giving me the most amazing two weeks, to be a Mommy, to have the gift of life in me, to experience a slice of the love that You have for me.

Dear Baby,

2008-09-08T21:23:00.003-05:00

What an amazing 11 days it's been since I found out that you are in my tummy! We were able to tell Daddy's family. They were so excited, your Great-Grandad gave you your first present. He gave us the spoon Daddy's Grandma used to feed her kids and your daddy. What a special treat! And Daddy's Aunt Kim sent us a wonderful present in the mail with some special presents for you.

Then we got to go to Disney World with Mommy's parents. They were so excited to hear the news about you! Daddy played a trick on them when we told them about you, and Mommy's mommy fell off her chair!! We had so much fun at Disney World. You didn't get to ride too many rides because you are so tiny, but you got to see some really great stuff and have your picture taken with Mommy and Daddy and Mickey Mouse! We got you a baby Pluto wrapped in a blanket and Mommy's parents got you a snuggly Tigger to remember your first trip to Disney!

All of our family and friends are so happy to hear that you are coming. You know, Mommy and Daddy have been waiting for you for a long time. But now we are worried that you might not be able to stay with us. Just know that I have enjoyed every second I've gotten to be your mommy. Every night before I go to sleep, I rub my belly, even though you are so tiny and can't feel it, and pray that God keep you safe and strong.

Daddy knew how upset I was that we might lose you. He took us outside and showed us the stars. He told us that God put those stars up there for us and that He loves us so much. I cried, thanking God that he gave me such a wonderful husband in your Daddy. Daddy thinks you are so strong and believes that you are going to be just fine! He even bought you your first movie, The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh. Even though you couldn't hear it, we watched it together on the couch last night.

I know you are doing your best to grow and be strong. But I also know that you may hear Jesus's voice telling you to go home with Him. If you do decide you're not ready to come live with us, I don't blame you. If I heard Jesus calling me to go with Him, I don't think I would want to stay. I know you will be in very good hands with Jesus and you will be waiting for your Daddy and me someday.

But if you decide to stay, I want you to snuggle down deep, find the coziest place you can find. Mommy's working really hard to give you everything you need right now, just like I will be doing when you are out of my tummy and resting sweetly in my arms. Remember, Daddy and I love you so much and we can't wait to see you!
Love, Mommy

Dear Heavenly Uterus...

2008-09-07T20:16:00.004-05:00

I just wanted to take a few minutes and thank everyone for their love and support the last few days. Brian told me to finish The Shack on Friday, since I was staying home with my feet up all day, waiting for the call. For those of you who haven't read it, READ IT! It is a life changing, relationship changing book, that will make you look at our Lord in a totally different way. And if there's anything that you are going through right now that you are seeking the will of God, or wondering why this is happening to you, it may not clear it all up for you, but it will defintely bring you comfort.

So, I finished The Shack moments before getting the call about my hcg levels, and have spent the rest of the weekend trying to live in the present, trying to find peace in this whirlwind. All of you have left such encouraging emails and comments. I appreciate you all so much. Knowing that I'm not alone during this time means everything and gives me hope that this will turn out well. God has really blessed us with awesome family and friends that have showered us with prayer throughout this whole ordeal.

Even after they had scheduled a trip to the ranch this weekend, after hearing the news and how I was doing with it, Joe and Rachel decided to spend the weekend with us. They came over Friday night and we went out to eat. As Joe was praying, he almost prayed to the Heavenly Uterus. We all snickered and started cracking up laughing as Joe tried to finish the prayer and the waiter stood by waiting to give us the rest of our order. We spent the rest of the night laughing and having fun. Then this weekend, we just laid around, watching season 2 of Arrested Development and eating the food they bought for Bonham. They went to church with us this morning, and I was grateful Rach was holding my hand as we sat through a baby dedication ceremony during service. I know Brian and I would have been okay this weekend, and probably wouldn't have done much differently, but just having you guys here made me feel so much better, and gave me a reason to laugh. We love you guys. Here's a pic of us when we went to Bonham in May to escape Mother's Day.

I go in for the blood test tomorrow morning and will know something Tuesday afternoon. Pray hard for us that my levels are increasing, even just a little bit will give us hope that our baby is growing.

I'M PREGNANT!!!

2008-09-05T18:24:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm sure most of you have heard the news. Last Friday, I took a pregnancy test on a whim and it came back positive!! So, we've had much rejoicing and excitement over the last week or so. We were able to tell Brian's family at a family dinner that night, and my parents face to face in Orlando.

I know I've had some serious prayer warriors throughout the last two years of trying. And your job is not over yet. On Wednesday I started spotting, which my doctor says is not abnormal, but is definitley something to watch. Then I went in for my blood test yesterday and my HcG (pregnancy hormone) was super low, only 36. So, either I'm just barely along, my HcG will be low throughout the pregnancy, or I'm already in the process of losing the baby. I've started coming to terms with the fact this may not be my first baby, though it is my first pregnancy. But I need everyone to pray more than ever, that this is simply not true. That the sweet soul in my belly right now will hold on tight and continue to grow stronger and continue to develop. This comes at such a confusing time, when Saturday, Rachel and I were rejoicing our babies, and Monday mourning what would soon be the loss of Rachel's. This doesn't make sense and at times has seemed cruel, though I just keep trying to make sense of it all and keep a positive outlook. I can't stop crying sometimes and other times, I feel at peace, knowing it's going to be alright.

I'm going back in to the doctor on Monday to see if my levels went up, I should know something by Tuesday afternoon. Thank you all for your sweet comments, emails and prayers throughout this whole ordeal, and with the loss of Kim last week. I love you all so much!

Kim

2008-08-29T22:42:00.004-05:00

Yesterday, a dear friend of ours decided to take her life at the top of a hotel in downtown San Antonio. Kim dated my "uncle" James (my mom's youngest brother, 3 yrs. older than me) several years ago and has never quite let go of his heart. She suffered from Bipolar disorder and Schizophrenia. Kim was spunky, incredibly small, very very smart and hilarious to be around. She also cared very deeply for my uncle and our family, often bringing a present for everyone, all 40 of us, at Christmas. But she declined in her mental health so quickly these last couple of years. It became too difficult for James to stay so close when her mental state cycled so violently.
So I'm asking tonight that you pray for Kim's soul, sweet Kim's family, and especially for James. He is really taking it hard of course, wishing that there was something that he could have done. Me and Kim in October
James (on the left) and my other uncle Jeff

New Hair

2008-08-28T20:02:00.003-05:00

Well, I did it! After Rachel highlighted her hair, I thought I would gather the courage to do it too! I've never really been a makeup or hair person. Low Maintenance is my style. But I thought it would be fun to do something different!! Here's some pics:

For my mom and Jody Thornton...

2008-08-26T21:03:00.006-05:00

Because you guys are probably the last two people that are still checking my blog to see if I've posted anything new in the last 5 weeks!! Well, I may not even have Jody anymore, so it's just you and me Mom!!
The last five weeks have been nothing short of an exhausting, emotional roller coaster. When last we talked I had just gotten back from South Padre. That feels like ages ago! Well, two days after I came back, I left again for San Antonio to go see my mom. My dad was in Ukraine for 3 1/2 weeks and so she spent the middle of the time in San Antonio. We had a blast! We went to Buerne, TX and shopped in antique stores, and went to see Journey/Heart/Cheap Trick in concert. That was awesome!

After San Antonio, I was supposed to spend a few days at my best friend, Mindy's house. I'd been at her house for about 15 minutes when I got a call that my 2 day/week contract at Grand Prairie that we had settled upon when I left in June, was denied. We had a change in management in Special Education and the new leaders did not think that it was good for the students or the district. So, they decided to deny it without even discussing it with those of us involved. Therefore, I had to jet back up to DFW and try to schedule a meeting with the new boss. This is still, two weeks before I was supposed to return back on my contract.
Even after I tried to display my case in the best way I knew possible, it was still decided that I could either return to the district five days a week, or resign without any penalties (the time to request release from contract had passed a month ago). I was devastated. I went into a funk, my little quiet, brooding, protective state that usually ends with me crying on my bathroom floor. I felt like I couldn't get a yes to anything I'd been asking for. I had this all planned out. I would work in GPISD for two days a week and use that money to fund my private practice, which after it got off the ground, I could quit GPISD all together and just work in Granbury.
But I felt like God just kept saying no and doors just continued to be shut in my face. Mindy said that God closes doors sometimes, but just to keep my eyes open because he might open another one. Brian said not to be so upset. If I still wanted to start my practice, to go ahead and work in GP until it got off the ground. So, I made my decision, I was going to work in GP for 5 days a week until December, save all of that money, start my practice and hopefully everything would still work out. So I went to Austin as I had planned the week before and hung out with Mindy and her family. It was just what I needed. We went shopping, I tried on a dress and the kids told me how pretty I looked (that's never a bad thing to hear), saw Mamma Mia, sang the soundtrack to Mamma Mia, even though it made Madison cry, and stuffed our face at McDonalds. I sent my decision over email to GP and got a call almost immediately from my supervisor stating that she didn't think I had understood my options. I could return 5 days, resign, or come back contract for 2 days a week. 2 days?! YEAH I GUESS I DIDN'T GET THAT PART...I still don't know or understand how or why she changed her mind. But, like a slap in the face, God took something I thought I'd had figured out. He made me wait, not knowing the outcome, only to trust that He would take care of it. Then he answered my prayers, but gave me more than I had worked out in the beginning. Although it was earth shattering to me at the time, God was telling me, "See silly daughter, how I take care of this little thing. Now how much more incredible is it going to be when I give you your children? Trust me, I work all things for good!"
After those excruciating 8 days, the rest of the last two weeks have flown by! I finished my visit in Austin, came home and picked up my parents. My dad married off our dear Audrey Faye Gushwa Lugo, here's a pic of Rach and Tanya and me at the wedding:

I started back to work last week and hung out with the Varneys during their invitro procedures!! Check out Rachel's blog: rachelvarney.blogspot.com for all of the details. In short, everything has gone over-the-top amazingly! God is answering so many prayers, please pray for the darling little babies that they will hang on and that on Saturday, Rachel and Joe will find out that they are pregnant!

No one deserves babies more than these two. They are two of my dearest friends in my entire life and I can't wait to hold a couple of mocha babies in 9 months!!

This is what is on the outside of the fertility clinic! So funny!!!

So, now you're caught up. I promise I'll write soon about my souvenir from Padre, though most of you know what it is anyway! Brian and I are going to Disney World with Mom and Dad on Saturday, so if I don't post til next week, you'll know where I am!!

South Padre!!!

2008-07-22T19:58:00.012-05:00

We just got back from an incredible week in South Padre with some of my family. It was awesome! We got to take out our sailboat, I got to lay on the beach and get really brown, ate some good food and had a blast with my family. Here are some pics from this past week!

Our sailboat!! It was so happy out on the ocean. The waves were soft and the wind was just enough. It was almost silent out on the boat. One of the times that we took it out, Brian and I saw dolphins! There were about 10 of them, including a baby dolphin! They jumped and swam around the boat, close enough to touch and one even swam in between the hulls of the boat and took a look at us! It was great! I was so proud of my aunts and all my cousins, even the little ones went out on the boat!!

Every night we cooked dinner and hung out at the condo. One night we had a dance party! It was so fun! Another night we went and took sunset pictures on the bay.

My cousin Rusty

Cyndi and me doing our best gangsta pose

My Aunt Jo "dancing" with Brian

Sunset picture of the Tindells...that was picture 5 of 8 that Brian ruined. Honestly, why do I bother...

Some more of my cousins doing their best gangsta pose...and Brian...doing his...best...gangsta...nevermind.

Me, Cyndi and Rusty...we are three of the first set of Long grandchildren. There's 14 grandchildren and 7 great-grandchildren. Most of you know my mom's the 2nd oldest of 9 children...so this is only a small percentage of the whole bunch!

We also went and saw the sea turtles conservation center. Last year, Brian and I happened upon the baby sea turtle release early one morning when we were out fishing. These guys are so big and really make me think to be careful with my trash and where I dispose of things...its amazing how just a helium balloon could affect a sea turtle 7 hours from where I live!

My cousins Tyler and Kaitlyn feeding "Crush", remember "Finding Nemo"??

On our last day, Brian and I threw a line over the side of the boat and I caught a 2 ft long Spanish Mackeral!! I could barely touch it, let alone gut it and stuff, but it was by far the biggest fish I'd ever caught!!! And it tasted really yummy all fried up!

Then in the next run, my cousin Jake caught almost the exact same fish!! Awesome!
I'll have to fill you in on my special souvenir tomorrow...here's some pics of the after trip in San Antonio.

My Popo being silly

Guitar Hero rocks!!

Nanny making my Great-Nanny's homemade pound cake recipie! Yummy!!

My Nanny's so ghetto-fabulous...

My cousin Shaughn and his sweet baby Celeste

My baby cousins Brianna and Celeste...so cute!!

My uncle James and our parrot Tom-Tom

Brian and the kiddos, all of my family loves him so much, especially the kids. I'm so blessed! Thanks for sticking through all these pictures, I love my family so much and feel so blessed to be have such a big family that I'm so close to!

4th of July

2008-07-11T21:27:00.004-05:00

Last weekend was super fun, some of my family came into town from San Antonio. We went to some of the hot spots here in town, and spent some time at our new house and my sister Manda's new house. For anyone trying to plan next year's 4th of July vacation, plan on coming to Granbury! We went up to the highest spot in our neighborhood that looks out over the lake. From there we could see all the fireworks that people were shooting from their houses. Then after an hour and a half, the Granbury fireworks (which are of the top 5 best in the nation) started. They were amazing! We took the kids to Dinosaur Valley in Glen Rose, my cousin David was so excited he couldn't stand it! Then we went to Babe's for dinner and to Manda and Paul's house. Sunday we went to church in the park downtown and then to the feach. David loved the kiddie water park. Here are some pics from last weekend:

Firework fun on the hill...we were all a little tired there towards the end!

David wanted to take a bath in our bathtub, so the kids played in the water. Aren't they super cute!?

Dinosaur Valley, you gotta go!

Dance party in my living room

What a cutie!

This week has been a busy one. I've been in training most of the week at UNT's Play Therapy Summer Institute. I've been working on getting my private practice ironed out this week as well. Until God blesses me with a little one, I've really become at peace with helping out other little ones that need some extra love and support. Please pray for me as Brian and I are getting ready to step out into our own buisness. I pray that it will be not only profitable for our family, but fulfilling for me personally, as well as a tool for God's healing here in Granbury and Hood County. If you have any advice, or know a good CPA, let me know!!

We're going to South Padre tomorrow for a week, so I won't be on for a while. Have a great one, we'll see you when we get back!

Best week ever!!!

2008-07-03T10:29:00.008-05:00

So, if last week was a little sad and pathetic, this week has been just the opposite! Thank you God for blessing me with this week! Here's a rundown of what's been going on:

Saturday night:

We took Brian's mom to the Fort Worth Symphony Concert in the Botanical Garden, laser light/firework show for her birthday/mother's day present. After sitting in the car in the parking lot for an hour and a half, waiting out the massive storm that went through the area, we got to go in. Yeah, we had to sit under umbrellas (ella, ella, hey, hey hey) and it was a recording of the symphony, but it was AMAZING!! Here's a pic:

Sunday: HAIRSPRAY!!

Jody and Kaycee Thornton, a family that my family has been friends with all my life, decided to give me free tickets to Hairspray. Kaycee had gotten them for Christmas, but couldn't go because she wouldn't be back in time from Opp Camp, so they gave them to Rachel and me, since they know what crazy Hairspray friends we are. It was AWESOME! The chorus was fantastic, the performers were incredible, the seats were great (14th row!). We are totally blessed! Here's a pic of us right before they came and took my camera...

Monday:

Our best friends from Austin were in town visiting their families for the 4th, and haven't seen our house yet. So Brandon and Mindy came over and we had mexican food on the patio at Ayala's, dollar margaritas, then went back to our house and talked for about 5 hours. All of us except for Brian were on vacation...sorry Brian! It was so fun and felt so good to be with a couple who has stuck with us through a lot of good and bad. Here's a pic of Brian and Brandon, then Mindy and I, (could you tell we're excited?)

Tuesday:

Met Rachel and Heather, the girl from my support group who got her embryos implanted last week, for lunch and a movie. You can't hate on Fish n Chips and Baby Mama! If you haven't seen Baby Mama, you MUST go see it. Brian says it helps us laugh off the hurt of infertility...

Wednesday:

Yesterday was just what I needed. Rebecca, my other best friend, her mom and Hadley, her sweet baby girl, came out to see my house with Mindy, her three kiddos and Kim, Mindy's mom. I love these kids like they are my own, so it was so great to get to play with them and love on them. We went to three of my favorite places in Granbury: my house, Maurice's (a rockin clothing store) and the feach (fake beach). We wrapped it all up with SNOCONES! It took Bec coming in for me to finally get my first snocone of the season. Thanks Bec, for sharing my ridiculous passion for snocones...

It felt so good to get to be with these two girls and their families. Mindy and Bec, you guys are my constants (thanks for the word Min). I know it's been hard to know what to say to me, but just knowing you guys are praying for me and thinking of me means everything. I love you both tons! It was really hard to see them go, I didn't realize how much I needed to see them. But then I got an awesome surprise! Brandon was driving in to hang out with Brian and he picked up Mindy somewhere by Kaye's house and brought her back. So we had another great night of eating and talking and laughing on the porch. I love you guys. Here's some pics from yesterday:

Dressing room fun at Maurice's

Hadley at the Feach! Adorable swimsuit!

Dylan, Maddie and Kenzie swimming. And not one of the 3 of us brought our suits...no worries, if one of the kids got too far out or started to drown, I was going to sacrifice my semi-dry clothes since I live the closest...

I love these girls!

Today I get a break to clean my house, then we have family coming in for the 4th festivities! So it looks like the fun doesn't stop here folks! Thanks for all of your thoughts, prayers and sweet comments and emails, I'm truly blessed to have such amazing friends and family! Happy 4th!

Not the team I'd like to be on...

2008-06-30T00:32:00.002-05:00

Driving home from HAIRSPRAY (more on that tomorrow, thanks Thorntons!), I had some time to think. I know you all can remember getting picked for something and the feeling that comes with that. Getting picked to play on the PE dodgeball team, getting picked to sit with the popular girls, getting picked for the softball team, getting picked by that really hot guy for that date, or that banquet, getting picked by your sorority to join, getting picked by "the one" (with hopefully a fancy diamond)...When I think about getting picked for those things, I feel happy, content, proud. But what about when you're picked for something that you don't want to do, or don't think you can handle?
This past week has been quite a doozy. My friend Heather got implanted with two healthy embryos and is awaiting to see if she's pregnant. Another friend, Taylor, after years of battling infertility, lost her sweet baby Nathan just a few moments after he was born, due to a genetic disorder, Trisomy 13. My friend Rachel started her meds to begin her 5 week invitro adventure. And I, after a month off of Clomid, got another visit from "Aunt Flo", though expected, its never fun. I began thinking tonight about all of these women. I know when we were kids, and we wrapped our favorite baby dolls up in blankets and pushed them in strollers, we never dreamed having a child might not be in our future, and at the very least, we would have so much hardship in something that we were always taught was so natural.
Then I started to think about the blind man in John 9. I, like the blind man, have contemplated that my infertility has been punishment for certain things that I've done wrong. Many of you know, (or have heard), that I have not had the most honorable past...shocking for a PK, right? I've struggled before with blaming myself and putting loads of pressure on myself to give my husband a child. I mean, no other woman in my family ever had trouble conceiving, why should I? But then I seek comfort in the words Jesus said to this man moments after healing him, "This happened so that the work of God might be displayed in his life." You see, God chose this man to display His mighty work. And I, like my friends Heather, Rachel and Taylor have been chosen so that the work of God might be displayed in our lives. That it's not by our power or work, but by HIS alone that we are healed.
So now I sit with these thoughts running through my head. God chose me to carry this burden. He could have given me a baby in 2006 when Brian and I first started trying. But instead he CHOSE me for this team. And I have to wonder how much I have displayed the work of God in my life since we began our infertility journey. I've been frustrated to the point of yelling at God. I've been jealous, jealous of the new mothers at church that get to hold their babies, jealous of the moms that have little ones running around their legs, jealous of my family and close friends and the bonds that they share with their children. I've been angry. Angry that the beautiful house and life that Brian and I share would be wonderful to bring a child into, but so far, is still empty. I've prayed that God give me a baby, or to take this desire from me, so far He has done neither. I've prayed for faith, yet continuously doubt.
And I'm now at a crossroad. God is waiting on one side, beckoning me to come sit at His feet and put all of my trust and hopes in Him, waiting to give me the peace that comes with the understanding that He is in control and He is already with me and my children. And fear and darkness is sitting on the other side, waiting for me to continue down the road that I'm on, only to take every last hope, every last ounce of peace I hold away.
No, this is not the team I'd like to be on. I'd like to be on the team that has other problems but at least has her husband and her children. I'd like to be on the team where I get to say, "I'm just so tired, cause you know you don't sleep once you have kids". I'd like to be on the team that gets to complain about morning sickness and late night feedings, scraped knees and doctor bills. But I didn't get picked for that team, at least not yet. God chose me for this team. And sometimes looking at the giants of faith that I'm playing with, I don't know how well I'll do. But I know that my God is calling the plays. He's watching the pitches and He's waiting for just the right second to put me in the game. I just hope that I'm ready when He calls me to the plate.

Opportunity Camp

2008-06-28T14:54:00.004-05:00

Today at Daybreak camp in California, around 100 kids have just left a week-long camp called Opportunity Camp. I've been involved on and off with Opp Camp for 10 years, in fact, camp is the reason I chose the career field I am in now. I went in high school for our mission trip, as a youth intern in college and then was blessed to bring my husband for two years. Opp camp takes kids that are referred by the Contra Costa County Child Services Department into the mountains. During this week, counselors and staff from all over the country dedicate a week of their life to not only teaching kids about Christ, but showing His unconditional love and acceptance to them. For some of these kiddos, it is the first time in their life that ANYONE has shown this kind of attention and acceptance to them. It is always a very difficult week, but a blessed one.

Brian and I were supposed to be there this year, but because I was having such a bad reaction to my medicine, I decided it was best I not go. And my sweet husband decided to stay home with me. This not only hurts because I want to be there with these kids, but it hurts because I'm missing seeing Brian be with these kids. Of all the church stuff and mission trips we've done together, this is my most favorite. I fell in love with Brian all over again, watching him step out of his comfort zone and see these kids look at this dorky white guy and ask him if they could go home with him. Here are some pictures of camp from last year.

Brian cheering with his cabin in circle time.

Destiny and me

Brian and his boys

My girls-Cabin 8!!

PS. Please pray for me today, I'm bummed out about missing camp, feeling kinda crappy and disappointed because today is another month with no baby in my belly...

Poor Puppy

2008-06-23T22:47:00.003-05:00

My sweet puppy needs prayers. Saturday night he chased something into the neighbors yard and came back with his front right leg completely cut to the muscles from his elbow down to his paw. He has some weak stitches holding up the skin so it could heal, but he is probably going to be hurting for 2 months. 2 months! The vet said he can't go for walks, play outside or swim (his most favoritist thing to do EVERR) for at least 2 months. So, poor puppy. Now he's on antibiotics and pain medicine twice a day, just after his sister just got off pain meds for getting run over by a diesel truck (don't ask). So, thanks Lewis, summer's going to be a blast!! Poor puppy.

FEACH DAY!

2008-06-21T11:48:00.004-05:00

My best friend Rachel and I have committed to spending at least two days a week together this entire summer. It's for our own, and our spouses' sanity. Two hormone-medicated women just need to go ahead and be locked up together instead of expecting their husbands to have to deal with all that mess....

So anyway, on "Granbury" day, we decided to try the new Sandy Beach on Pearl Street, just outside of the square in downtown Granbury. To let you know a little about Granbury, it is divided in half by a very large, beautiful lake, that we live off of. We discovered the new and improved beach going in around Memorial Day and thought we'd check it out! Even though Joe says it's a fake beach, "a feach", it was AWESOME! We took our little lawn chairs and joined a handful of other people on the sandy shore. We walked out into the water, without shoes! It is sand all the way out, a big area for swimming, no mud and hardly any rocks. It also has grass cabanas with picnic tables, palm trees and a water park for the kiddos. Here are some pics, maybe this will get some of you out here to see me!

I've arrived!!!

2008-06-19T23:08:00.000-05:00

Well, we've been at our house for four months and the Tindells have finally gotten internet!! We are now on the information superhighway!!
I didn't really need it while I was in school, but since I've been out of work for 4 days, I was about to go crazy without it! So, I checked into the one company that provides internet service to our boondock area, and hooked us up!! I will defintiely spruce up the page and add some pics later, but for now, let's all bask in the enjoyment of having internet access!!